I wonder what made me like it so much

I love being submissive. Not just sexually, but in life too. Being of service is something I crave, maybe even being a little dismissed. That is why I went into food service. What better environment to fulfill my submissive needs? Of course, I can't exactly ask my boss to put me on my knees and tell me I'm a good girl, but I can always say "Yes sir" when he sternly asks me to get more to-go boxes ready.

I've always loved being useful. Anytime I can do something for someone, I'll do it. I'll pick up food for my roommates and their boyfriends and insist they don't pay me back, I'll offer to tutor people for nothing in return, if someone needs to get their laundry but they don't feel like walking to the laundry center, I'm your gal. Honestly, the rush I get from doing what I'm told concerns me a little.

Sometimes I wonder if being submissive conflicts with my being a feminist. After all, we fought for so long to have to right to not be submissive to men and here I am enjoying it most of the time. But then I remember we fought for the choice not to be submissive. And choice means I can always choose to be submissive if I want.

I think most people who knew me would be surprised knowing I like being submissive. After all, I am the most out spoken, stubborn, man-hater I know. The idea of me getting an emotional high after one of my tables was rude to me is almost laughable. My friends who truly know me wouldn't bat an eye.

They wouldn't be surprised because they know under all the bark and bite is a girl with lots of daddy issues and religious trauma who wants to stop thinking for a little bit. Oh, to kneel at the feet of someone I trust while they stroke my hair and tell me I'm enough. But alas, it seems I'm too busy to find a suitor.

So I keep waiting tables. I keep refilling drinks, bringing food with a smile on my face, and secretly loving it when I have to resolve a problem with a customer. I wonder if that makes me creepy. It not in a sexual way, I promise. It can just feel so stable being told what to do. You don't need to balance any other thoughts or feelings, just worry about the person your serving and giving them the best possible experience.

I think it stems from being the oldest sibling in my family. I'm so used to being a third parent that care comes naturally to me. Are you hungry? Let me make you a grilled cheese. Are you sick? I'll spend six hours making homemade chicken noodle soup for you. You have an interview? Borrow my good shoes. Don't go out like that! You have a stain on your shirt, here's a tide pen. I packed you lunch and dinner for your long day! Oh, we have unexpected company? I'll make them tea and cookies while everyone else sits in the living room talking, and I'm in the kitchen occasionally chiming in.

I suppose my submissiveness arose from not so great conditions. But it's not all bad. People need service workers, and I need the service industry whether or not I'd like to admit it. As much as I complain about the stress of working in food service, it is actually one of my favorite professions. The fast pace, the food, and of course the structure and healthy hierarchy.

So there you have it. Why I like being submissive, despite being the loudest woman I know (yes, its possible if you want). You can in fact have your cake and eat it too.