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I Don’t Know How to Fake an Orgasm

And I don’t want to learn

By GB RogutPublished 3 years ago 6 min read
19
Photo by Deagreez from iStock

It was my first time.

He was considerably older than me, so I believed him when he said he knew what he was doing.

We kissed. We touched. He went down on me. We fucked.

I will not go as far as to say I felt nothing. Yeah, it was fun at moments, but, all and all, it wasn’t good.

I had heard that anxiety could get in the way of pleasure, so I did my best to relax and be in the moment. After a while, I felt how his breath quickened, and I heard him moan.

It was over.

He let out a sigh and asked, “Did you come?”

“No,” I said.

“Well, this was your first time; it’s not unusual that you didn’t have an orgasm,” he said.

It wasn’t?

As I said, he was supposed to be the expert.

Down the Road

We kept on seeing each other. He introduced me to porn and the normal behavior a woman must exhibit during sex.

He would point out what the women on the TV did, the clothes they wore, and the sounds they made.

I would stare at the screen in disbelief. It was honestly hard to tell whether or not those women were enjoying themselves.

It sounded as though if they were in a lot of pain.

“See,” he would tell me. “That’s what women do during sex. They scream in pleasure. You don’t need to hold back. It’s okay to express yourself.”

I looked at him. What was he talking about? I was not holding anything back. The absence of moaning and screaming had a very specific reason:

Lack of enjoyment.

Don’t give up!

We kept on trying. And trying. And trying some more. My first intercourse induced orgasm kept on evading me.

However, I had no problem orgasming through masturbation.

Not only that. I was able to get myself off very quickly. Still, I decided to deprive myself of it for a while. Maybe I was selfishly spending all of my orgasms in myself.

After several months, it finally happened. I had an orgasm while his mouth was on my clit and his index finger on my G-spot.

I honestly believe he was happier than me.

Problem Not Solved

From then on, orgasms were an elusive wonder for me. Sometimes they would happen but, most of the time, they wouldn’t.

Fun fact: the guys on the other side of the equation used to be more worried than me.

They took it as a personal offense. “Why aren’t you coming?” would be the big question. “I think you are holding back,” would be the recurrent comment. “When women are enjoying sex, they scream and moan nonstop.”

There it was again…the obligation to turn myself into a noise machine.

From time to time, I would have sex in such a way that, yes, oh yes, would make me sing at the top of my voice.

This meant I could make the required sounds. But, why wasn’t it happening all the time?

Why?

Now I was worried. Was something wrong with me? Why couldn’t I moan like the women on the TV?

Then, during a conversation, a man said to me, “all the women I’ve ever had sex with had an orgasm. Every single time. And I have had lots of sex.”

This gave me pause.

All of them? All the time?

And then, it all clicked for me. I even felt a wave of compassion for this fella. What he was saying was statistically impossible. There’s no way he had a 100% orgasm rate.

However, it was possible that, sometimes, some of his partners faked. And, once I saw this, it was impossible to unsee it.

Study the Past

I did a review of my sexual encounters. I realized that, whenever I felt pleasure, I had been very vocal about it. I would moan, scream, or laugh.

On the other hand, when what was going on brought me no emotion whatsoever, I would go mute.

I couldn’t bring myself to make a sound when what was happening produced no enjoyment.

I decided to try to change that. I thought if I made an effort, I could convince my partner I was having fun. They seemed to worry so much when I didn’t come. Worse: they would sometimes get angry.

But I couldn’t bring myself to do it? It just felt wrong.

Why Me?

Hard as a tried, I couldn’t shake the feeling there was something abnormal about me. Why couldn’t I moan on cue?

I felt ashamed. Inadequate.

A few years after the birth of my son, came a discovery. He was autistic and *gasps* so was I.

So many things about me made sense. Fuck, most of my life came into focus. Finally, an explanation to so many things…

I realized that I do not laugh when a joke isn’t funny. I don’t try to spend time with people I don’t like. And I don’t even attempt to do small talk. Not that I haven’t tried.

But, the result is that if I’m not feeling it, then I can’t fake it.

The good news? It works both ways. When something or someone fascinates me, I won’t be able to hide it. This comes with some downsides, of course. Sometimes I wish I had more filters, but it’s a learning curve.

So, Normal?

What is normal during sex? What is the acceptable moaning quota a woman must provide? What’s the minimum erection time a guy must sustain?

Who the fuck knows?

Why do we do this to ourselves? Wouldn’t it be healthier just to find out what works for our partner and ourselves?

I decided I would not waste another moment thinking about the way I supposedly should sound like when I’m having sex.

First of all, I can’t fake something I’m not feeling. It’s just not possible. If I’m not having fun, my companion is going to know.

Second, faking would keep my partner and me from having the necessary conversations to make sure we both are getting our fair share of pleasure.

And third, I don’t want to. I don’t care what porn thinks a woman should sound like. I want to be in the real world, and I need a partner who sees me. Someone who wants to hear the actual murmurs of my soul, and does not require me to play by a script the TV keeps on repeating.

And Now?

A most curious thing has happened. In the past couple of years, now that I have stopped worrying so much about it — and thanks to some lifestyle changes — I’m enjoying sex more than ever.

Yes, there’s a lot of moaning, a good share of screaming, and even more laughter.

I cannot help to think it is because I’m no longer analyzing what I should look or sound like while in bed. I’m sticking to being me. I am enjoying myself, and I don’t ever want to stop.

And no, I still don’t want to fake it.

Originally published by me in Sexography.

sexual wellness
19

About the Creator

GB Rogut

Jack of all trades, mistress of poetry. Mexicana. Bi. Autistic. She/Her. You can support me on Patreon https://www.patreon.com/musingabout or visit my tree https://linktr.ee/GbRogut

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