How to have Hotter Sex: Consent

Do you want to have hotter sex? Listen up. (Transcript from my podcast V is For episode 2 "V is for Voluntary)

Wouldn’t life be simpler if you could just do what you want and not have to do things that you don’t want? Listen for tips on how to Marie Kondo your sex life. Does it spark joy? No. Get rid of it.

Happy Tuesday, how was the Christmas holiday for you? 2020 what a weird year. My brother-in-law listened to the first episode and gifted me a new mic setup so hopefully, the audio is a little better today.

You probably don’t care, but I had great sex this week. We’ll get into later, first let me tell you about my childhood.

Do you care? Probably not, but I’m going to tell you anyway, I grew up a whole bunch of different religions and variations of Christianity from non-denominational protestant to actively methodist, to even considering converting to Mormon, and finally attending an Augustinian Catholic university where each theology class pushed me further and further into full-blown atheism. Probably not what my alma mater wants to hear.

I’ve grown up with a lot of thoughts about what sex should be and guilt around having sexual desires. I think my mom didn’t want to me get an uncurable illness or become pregnant in high school, but now that I’m a married adult having sex with my illness-free partner, sex still feels wrong sometimes.

Here she is asking for grandkids and I’m like “mom, you know in order to have grandkids, I need to have sex, and you pretty much made me afraid of penises every day of my life for the first 18 years.” Okay enough about my mom, otherwise I’m going to have to call this podcast Mommy Issues, and enough about religion. I have A LOT of very very religious friends. You know the people who wear cross necklaces, have bible quotes and #jesussavedme in their instagram bio as my friends and coworkers, and I will be dedicating an entire episode to sex and the Catholic Church. Spoiler alert my friends love sex “in the right context because it glorifies God” but that is not today’s episode and I have no ill feelings toward anyone who religion means a lot to them and informs their sex life. I want you to know where I come from and that religious values don’t impact me anymore.

Consent.

Wow Vera, that sounds like the most boring topic ever? Consent is easy, don’t rape people. Also, consent is not sexy.

Wrong. You want to know one of the sexiest things about my partner beside his abs? He always asks for consent, after 10 years, after marriage, and still to this day makes sure he has consent before and during any physical interaction and we do a check-in afterward to make sure everything felt good. I never ever have to worry about my partner going too far or coercing me into doing something I am not comfortable with, and I’m comfortable with a lot some days and not comfortable with a damn thing other days.

Somedays I say put it in my ass and forcibly hold me down other days it’s don’t fucking touch me or you may do missionary in the gentlest manner ever and say sweet words of affirmation in my ear.

So Vera How do I ask for consent in a way that doesn’t ruin the mood?

May I take your shirt off now? May I kiss you? No no no, that’s lame. I’m already a shriveled up dry desert with closed gates like that scene in Game of Thrones where people try to get into Qarth but die instead. I’d rather die than have sex with someone who thinks consent is the above.

The first part of consent happens outside the bedroom or the apartment. It comes from being comfortable with the person your with, someone you just met at the bar, that hot person from economics class, your partner, and yourself. I’ve always said, I know if I’m down to fuck or not based on if I have shaved before heading on a date. But I reserve the right the change my mind at any time.

The easiest way to explain this is just to give an example. So let’s talk about the other day when I had some really hot consensual sex.

But Vera, you’re married, he doesn’t have to worry about getting consent, he knows you are going to say yes.

WRONG.

I thought about this episode and podcast and you all while I was laying on my back with my partner between my legs doing some sort of licking rubbing thing that was surely tiring his tongue and only moderately stimulating me. His tongue can’t do what my vibrator can. Can we just get this over with? We'd been together for 10 years and have had more conversations about sex than most couples. So why was I laying here, letting him do his thing, thinking “how long is long enough in which I can pull his head up, start kissing him, grab the lube and start riding his dick?” How long is long enough that he won’t get his feelings hurt. But I knew I’d be letting you down, if I hopped on his shaft, and didn’t get enjoyment out of the foreplay.

Speaking of you, my listener, what shall we call ourselves? I propose cunts, but have been told cunt is controversial and distasteful. Oh well, I’m reclaiming the word for us. From now on, until I can think of a good word that starts we V, we are Cunts and these are our cunt chronicles.

Back to me laying on my back. I decided to speak up, and risk emasculating him, I said "use your fingers" and placed his two fingers on either side of my clitoris.

He asked, "circles or side to side?"

Circles, always circles.

Oh, now that felt better, but when I do it myself, I'm a bit rougher. So I spoke up again, "you can use more pressure."

Oh sir, now that felt great. Without giving you a rundown of the rest of the night, let's just say I orgasmed 3 times, compared to my typical 0 to 1 times.

So V, what does this have to do with consent?

Everything. I trust my partner 100% to only ever do things that I approve of. It also means that I take control of what happens and have to ask for what I want. I am responsible for my own orgasms; just like I'm responsible for my own feelings, thoughts, and actions, but that's a topic for another day.

This venture started the night before when I was looking hella cute in my granny panties and stained old college tee scrolling through instagram in bed, when J started rubbing my back. Oh the dreaded this isn’t really a back massage, yup now he’s rubbing my butt, he wants sex, I want to send memes to my friends. So I rolled over, gave him a big kiss, and told him “fuck no, I’m not having sex tonight.” After a little pestering, he finally agreed to put his dick back in his pants, and go watch football or some other manly thing. I, however, remembered that I never want sex at night. At night I want to go to bed, me, my blankets, my weiner dogs curled up beside me, and no penises penetrating anything. So I proposed, how about we have sex tomorrow at 9am?

Scheduled sex. I can get a good night's sleep. Wake up in the morning and make sure I’ve brushed my teeth, shaved my vulva, and am ready to go. Also since I know it’s coming I can warm myself up a little bit in the shower. I’ll resist the shower head because that’ll bring me to climax and I just want to arouse myself with some fingers and hot water.

That’s how I got the confidence to tell J exactly how to put his fingers and what pressure to use. I had just done it to myself mere minutes ago. I knew what felt good to my body on that day.

Cunts, you wouldn’t believe how many women expect their partner to bring them to orgasm, but they don’t know for themselves what feels good. Every body is different, and heck your body may be different from day to day, mine is.

Have you ever had mindblowing sober sex with someone on the first attempt. I haven’t. We usually have to figure each other out a bit first and communicate until it’s great. I’ll disregard drunk and high sex here because sex is totally different when drunk or high.

Consent, okay I swear I’m getting on topic. It’s about being on board with your partner, in a trusting situation. It’s about knowing that you or your partner can change their mind at any time. Do you know how many times J has been mid-intercourse and then for one reason or another it stops feeling good for me and I make him stop right then and there. I hop off that dick and he can finish himself. Or I ask for anal (usually when I am super hammered and refuse anal foreplay) and after one thrust, I’ve realized I’ve made a terrible mistake and need him to take his shaft of pain far far away from me while I drunk girl cry in the shower for an hour.

Alright so we trust our partner and are in tune to their body responses, we ask if they want to do something, continually checking in if things feel good, if they want harder, softer, faster, slower. And before assuming that something that was okay last week, yesterday, heck earlier today is okay, we check in that it’s still okay. Consent is about asking another person to get your way. Consent is about cooperatively achieving a goal of mutual pleasure. I know I’m happiest when my partner is enjoying themselves. So I’m always making sure J is having a good time.

Something that is a lot of fun, but you need consent beforehand, wake up morning blowjobs.

Would I be okay if I woke up in the middle of the night to J touching my vulva or breasts? No, absolutely not. When I am sleeping, I am not to be touched, except by my dogs. But J, oh my gosh, nothing makes him more excited than when I can’t sleep at 3 am, so I pull down his PJs and start sucking on balls and stroking him. He wakes up the happiest man on the planet. I know that he loves it. He has told me that at any time I can wake him up with a BJ. For me it’s selfish, I want to want him up so I have someone to talk to during my insomnia. For him, he gets to lay there half asleep while he gets a blow job. It’s a win-win scenario. But don’t do things like that unless you’ve first established that that sort of thing is okay. Just because a previous partner liked it doesn’t mean your current one will -- and that goes for a lot of things.

Since the first episode we’ve received some messages from the cunt crew:

First, so many of you have said that you first thought something was wrong with you because you couldn’t orgasm from oral in 5 minutes like your partner. You aren’t normal. Vulva owners on average take a lot longer than penis owners to orgasm. And if we are all in our heads overthinking everything we won’t really enjoy the experience. So my challenge for you is even if you are having regular sex with a partner, treat yourself tonight. Hold your toys or showerheads off for a little bit and pleasure yourself with your fingers. Bonus points if you can set up a mirror to watch. See your parts engorge. Contract and flex your muscles and watch what happens down below. See what you like with your fingers so you’ll be better able to guide your partner next time it’s sexy time. Oh and schedule some darn sex if you are like me and don’t really enjoy impromptu sex. I much rather have it to look forward to than feel like I suddenly have to be turned on and ready to perform.

Also, cunt crew, y’all like taking home trophy t-shirts just as much as I do. I guess I should clarify since this whole episode is about consent, that the penis owners I sleep with know and allow me to take the t-shirts, I’m not stealing. Makes me excited that one day we can have our own merch line and suggest to our partners that if they don’t want us to steal their t-shirts and hoodies, they should buy us cunt crew merch.

See you next Tuesday. Write into the podcast by DMing me @Visforpodcast on IG and supporting by listening on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Please if you’ve listened this long, please go through the trouble to rate 5 stars on apple and leave a positive review. It makes the podcast easier for others to find and will help us get a sponsor so we can keep this podcast going.

All my love, V

Disclaimer: this is for entertainment and general educational purposes only. Nothing in the above constitutes medical advice. If you are having issues or concerns, please see your doctor.