Does anyone else try to guess if someone is having sex or not? Just me? Okay, great.
A new acquaintance. A co-worker. A stranger walking toward me in a mask in the middle of a pandemic while the elevator slowly closes.
It's not that I'm spacing out, I'm just thinking about sex. The sex I'm currently not having. Okay, I guess I am spacing out a little.
Even though I'm on hiatus from it at the moment, I'd like to be ready for it when it happens. I'd like to prepare my mind and body when the time comes to engage in it again.
In that spirit, read on for some ways to improve your sex life while not having sex at all.
Ways to invest in it, not obsess over it. Never mind the co-worker trying to figure out why you're staring at them over lunch.
Take a Break from Social Media
Being quarantined taught me that when I'm horny, I'm usually scrolling. When I'm scrolling, it's only a matter of time before that horniness becomes anxiety.
I used to blame Instagram, but now I just blame myself. I've realized my habitual lurking allows me to lust after a type of beauty that is often a filtered facade.
Imagination is great, but comparison is not. The latter causes me to disconnect with those around me because I'm too busy envying an ambiguous, sexy brand someone's promoting.
If comparison and envy are not feelings you're interested in, try deleting social media for a weekend and see what happens. Then, try turning it off for a week or an entire month. See if you discover an energy to connect with people in real time, like you did before TikTok. The desire is within you. It's likely been stifled by over-stimulation.
The desire for intimacy with others is a prerequisite for sex. We can't achieve this if we're only showing them a preconstructed version of ourselves through the lens of altered reality.
Treat Your Body to Some Sensitive Self-Care
When was the last time you bought a present for your body? A massage, a pedicure, something that allowed you to sit back and let someone or something else take care of you?
As we enter year three of the pandemic, how about a Reiki session to unblock your chakras? A yoga flow class? An experience where there is an energy exchange that causes positive, physical reactions on the cellular level?
For me, an empath who is hyper-aware of incoming energy, it's imperative I decompress. I'm sensitive, I exhaust easily. I tend to absorb everything around me until I realize a recharge needs to happen. Only in recent years have I begun to treat myself to these kinds of pleasures to encourage my body to let its guard down. To allow for freedom to explore different ways my body can let go.
Specifically, I began exploring float therapy a few months ago. It's the one where you lie in an Epson salt-filled tank for upwards of an hour. During a session, I lie down in warm water while dim lighting and magnesium envelop me like a cavernous womb. The benefits are numerous. Chief among them is the invitation for my brain to finally shut down.
I'd encourage everyone to find something that can be a gift to your senses during seasons of less sexual activity. It doesn't have to cost a lot. It can be as simple as taking a leisurely walk around your neighborhood at sunset.
Remember, the beauty of sex lies in bringing your entire self to the table, not a portion. Freeing yourself, so you can be who you long to be in the presence of someone else.
Make time in life to recharge before making that journey. Let yourself receive now so that you can receive again when the opportunity for intimacy arises.
Instead of Porn, Try Pelvic Floor Meditation To Give Your Private Parts Some Love
I write a lot about my thoughts regarding pornography. My mixed feelings on it. How, at one point, it almost ruined my sex life altogether.
As such, my relationship with porn has included time apart from it. Time away from the computer to reclaim my sex drive. I've begun recalibrating the mechanism to make sure I'm only looking at naked women in real life.
If, like me, you have a tendency to get a lost in porn when not engaging in sex, might I suggest another alternative? It's called pelvic floor meditation. It's designed to allow our most sensual areas to let go at a time we may be obsessing over them.
In the self-care conversation, it's one thing to schedule a massage, but another to honor the most intimate parts of our bodies. These areas need tenderness, too. The parts required for penetrative sex, but that we put tremendous pressure on to fulfill us during periods of sustained abstinence.
Perhaps you want to release something, but don't feel like masturbating. You want to feel sexy, but don't want to take the edge off. Why not choose something that falls gently between the erotic and your erogenous zones? With this practice, you may just find that sweet spot, but only touch it with your mind.
Activating yourself without giving your sex drive over to the intensity of pornography is something you can take ownership of today. It may even open up new realms of self pleasure, but only if you decide to take it there.
With consistency, you'll grow more sensitive and self-aware the less you touch yourself. It's counterintuitive, but then again, "less is more" can be found in every sex manual since the dawn of time.
Practice the Timeless Art of Conversation
Finally, even when the pandemic ends, most of us will still be potential shut-ins thanks to the combined effects of technology and social media usage. We are living quietly, but on the inside, screaming. We long to connect, but fear missing out if we put our phones down long enough to step outside.
For the sexually inactive, this is heightened. It can mean we are without a lover or with less chance of coming into contact with one unless we use download an app.
But here's what's interesting: no one escapes loneliness, whether in a relationship or not. Everyone is looking to connect with someone, even without a global pandemic.
The best way to prepare for sex? Your mouth. It's the doorway to connection that often goes unopened. Through conversation, we unlock and enter people on both mental and emotional levels. It's what we've been preparing for our whole lives, but often reject in favor of online swiping.
For the single guy afraid of intimacy, go talk to the woman at the coffee shop. For the woman recovering from a bad breakup, don't be afraid to open yourself to a conversation if it feels respectful and safe.
The advice I give myself is this: it's easier to act your way into a new way of behaving than trying to think yourself there. Oh, and don't be afraid to make it flirty. Life is too short to not let someone know you're into them.
If you've read this far, you've realized this article isn't really about sex. Not explicitly, anyway. There is certainly much to discover in the way of technique and connecting with a partner over the course of our lifetimes.
No, this article is about starting over. Rebooting. Using time apart from it to form a connection with yourself that can sustain you long after the excitement of the act is over.
If sex is creative energy, shouldn't we be careful that we don't run out? Let's store it up while creating more intimacy with ourselves, then transfer it to our partners to usher in the sex lives of our dreams.
We are here to ignite new realities through sex, not stifle them. With effort and soul, yours can become deeper than you ever imagined if you are willing to prepare to receive it well.
Very well written. Keep up the good work!
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