How to bring more fun in bed and in the relationship

In the beginning, you were attacked every few hours. A few months later, still every night. Then the opportunities arose only on weekends. And now you have to strain to remember the last time? It’s not just you. But what’s the reason?

It may be hormonal. You simply secrete less of the pleasure hormone neutrophin and all the more oxytocin, also called the “bonding hormone” by researchers. No sooner does emotional satisfaction set in than physical pleasure goes down the drain.

Yet they say that good sex is essential for a happy relationship. Studies say that the more often you have sex, the better it is. Is great happiness now in danger? And what can you do? First and foremost: stay calm! It’s not all that bad — and above all, it’s: normal. For most people, the frequency of sex apparently decreases with the duration of the partnership. Even studies show that.

What if one wants to, but the other does not?

Often the sex lull is not a problem at first. Psychologist Professor Ulrich Clement of Heidelberg University, whose bestseller “Good Sex Despite Love addresses the problem, describes two possible scenarios, but only one of them is problematic: “If the whole thing happens peacefully and consensually, there’s no problem.” So if you’re both content to watch your sex life die and no one suffers, there’s no need to go crazy — not to mention that sex is healthy in many ways and boosts self-esteem, burns calories and feels good.

“It gets difficult in the other case,” says the sex therapist. “When one wants and the other doesn’t — or wants differently. As soon as the expectations differ, there are conflicts.” A familiar image: one partner wants sex, the other doesn’t feel so good. Partner 1 begs, pleads, at some point exerts pressure — and partner 2 closes himself off even further. Again and again there are arguments. What to do? “Some couples manage to step out of this argument and take stock soberly: What is actually our problem? At this point, it is important that the accusations stop and wishes are expressed. Not always: You do this and that. But rather: I would like us to try so and so.” If nothing else helps and separation is imminent, there is always the option of going to a couples’ therapist. At this point, however, we do not want to start from the extreme case.

How do you have better sex with too much stress and too little time?

On the contrary, let’s assume that you both agree: We want to have more sex again, but everyday life is getting in the way. One of you is constantly stressed, things have to be done and problems have to be solved all the time. There’s always a rush, there’s never time, and when there is, no one has the peace, the need, or the strength to still rise to erotic adventures. Especially since the people on TV and in the magazines are all much more attractive than the two of you anyway. So you hang around on the couch in front of the TV and feel the dissatisfaction gnawing at you — or the fear that the other person might be dissatisfied with you.

Stop! Stop the spiral of frustration! Our tip: Why don’t you go outside? No, not together. Just you. Or just your partner. Do something separately. Don’t hang on each other like naked mole rats in a cave. There’s no magic formula for more or better sex in your relationship — but by crawling closer and closer or into each other, it won’t get better. On the contrary, anything so close and so normal eventually becomes unsexy and uninteresting. “A couple is always moving in a field of tension between two actually contradictory states — passion and familiarity,” says Clement. “We always want both, but basically desire and intimacy are mutually exclusive. Desire needs distance. I can’t desire what I already have or think I have. There are couples who manage to maintain this difficult balance.

Better sex by keeping your distance

It sounds paradoxical: If you want more erotic closeness, you should keep your distance. Of course, it’s difficult to artificially create distance with someone you’re with every day, share a bathroom every morning, and have seen in dirty underwear and without a haircut. It is equally difficult for your loved one to be with you. Especially because the distance must not seem artificial.

Expert Clement thinks nothing at all of put-upon games in which one partner tries to make the other artificially jealous by flirting around. “These are unproductive trickery.” Two things are much more important.

1. never to lose sight of your own person with all love and consideration, to develop yourself further, not to do everything right for the other person — because that would mean to disappear completely at some point. (No, you should not cultivate your couch potato syndrome even more! It’s about things that make you interesting).

2. also to give the other person room for development — and to register these changes. That means: You should keep your attention awake from the beginning, the/the partner:in not lose sight of. “Many think they have the other person safe and become inattentive,” says the psychologist. “As a result, they miss changes that might just make the other person interesting. After all, one:e partner:in continues to develop, and not always in parallel with the other. Therein lies the exciting thing.” This is not to say that you should now perform masquerade balls and costume parties in front of each other. “Just look at when people find their partners most interesting. It’s most likely to happen when they see the partner talking to others or doing an unfamiliar activity.” Surely this new interest in you doesn’t awaken while cuddling on the couch in front of the boob tube.

Better sex with more attention

Also, don’t try to change the world in bed with new, groundbreaking ideas. you won’t become more attractive to a woman or man all at once because you buy a love swing and immediately screw it under the covers. That’s more of a scare. They always say you have to be more creative — but that only increases the tension. “That’s where I’d rather take the pressure out a bit,” Clement advises. “There’s nothing wrong with someone being creative, but many people aren’t — and then they think that God knows what’s being asked of them.” It’s better to look attentively and discover the other person’s needs than to get bogged down by strained creativity. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put yourself out there. Just don’t unpack exotic novelties unless you’re asked to. Leave the experimental in the closet for now and bring out the seducer instead.

How to improve your sex life with seduction

Get active! Clement: “Basically, it is promising when seduction comes into play. As a variation, it is preferable to demanding and whining in any case.” You may your beloved: of course, do not plump. “It is a matter of meeting the taste. There we are again with the attention.”

So, to know how the other person wants to be seduced, you need to know their desires and fantasies. You also need to know what time of day or night she’s most likely to feel like having sex — that may well have changed due to a new job or a different hobby, for example. You need to know in which outfit your partner feels particularly desirable, which movie has most recently fired her or his imagination, which perfume she or he likes to smell or would have liked to smell on you lately. Close your eyes and go for it won’t work. You have to become an agent in your own cause. The goal of your mission: to understand your partner as a riddle again — and to crack it.

When the partner can’t come

Not so long ago women were downright discriminated against by men when sex didn’t really work out. They were simply told, “You’re frigid!” Loosely translated, men understood this to mean a coldness of feeling that took away women’s desire for sex and prevented the longed-for orgasm. But the truth is different: Frigidity does not exist at all. What does exist, on the other hand, without a doubt, are women (and many men, by the way) who climax only rarely or with great difficulty. The reasons are numerous and very individual. Psychotherapist and gynecologist Dr. Frank Koch, for example, names three possible causes:

1. psychogenic causes

The early years of development have a decisive influence on sexual behavior. If sexuality was tabooed in the parental home, one does not develop a sense of familiarity with one’s own body later on. Emerging fears and feelings of guilt do not allow one to enjoy sexuality. In such cases, psychotherapeutic treatment approaches can help, such as behavioral or sex therapy.

2. situational causes

Partnership conflicts can severely affect sexual feelings. Stress, arguments and lack of trust in the partner inevitably lead to negative sexual experiences. Couples therapy with a trained sex therapist can counteract these conflicts.

3. partner-related causes

In the most common cases, ignorance is the root of the problem. Many men know too little about the female anatomy. In other words, the key to female ecstasy is proper stimulation. The expert’s tip: “Sex is charm all over the body.” And if you are charming enough, you will get to know and love your beloved’s enchanting body more closely. But even after initial successes, don’t forget: eroticism is a high art that doesn’t work according to the simple “open sesame” principle.

Conclusion: Talk about it!

Of course, it’s also important that you listen to your partner, that you talk to each other — without communication, there’s no good sex. Clement: “Many people are afraid of talking because they are afraid that something will be talked to pieces. The danger definitely exists, depending on whether someone talks opinionatedly or contemptuously, whether someone always behaves tactically in the dialogue or stonewalls and blocks.”

Don’t try to push through your maximum demands, and don’t necessarily look for a solution. Otherwise it will quickly sound like: okay, once a week, preferably on the weekend, three times a month I’m on top, once you, deadline next Saturday. There is no manual for good conversations, but they should be constructive and characterized by curiosity about the other person. Remember: not everyone always wants to talk about everything.