How can you tell that you are a sex addict?

Sure: sex is awesome! The more often, the better, because it lifts your mood, improves your relationship and is even good for your health. Can you ever have too much pleasure then? In fact, there are people who are addicted to orgasms, and for whom the desire for them becomes a serious problem. But do not worry, just because you often and like to have the sex, it does not mean that you are sick. I’ll explain what’s behind this disease and how you can recognize it.

What is sex addiction?

The term “sex addiction” colloquially refers to the problem of no longer being able to control one’s sexual urges and having to compulsively satisfy them over and over again. “Officially, this phenomenon is called hypersexuality, because it is more a disorder of impulse control than an actual addiction,” explains couples therapist Christine Geschke from the Psychologicum in Hamburg.

Those affected are then no longer concerned with closeness, eroticism and passion, instead they only chase the next orgasm, the next kick, similar to a drug. An estimated one in 15 Germans has at least such tendencies, and men are affected significantly more often than women. “This could be due to the fact that sexuality is easier and more reliable for men than for women.

How does a sex addiction develop?

The disease develops in a gradual process. “Often there is a feeling of inner emptiness or frustration behind it, which needs to be compensated for,” the therapist explains. Also, when you have self-doubt or feel inadequate in some way, sex can serve as an escape. The orgasm is like a rush that then numbs these thoughts for a moment, and you want that again and again. After some time, however, normal sex or masturbation becomes routine, and it then takes new and more frequent stimuli to be satisfied.

At some point, one can no longer get out of this vicious circle and gradually loses control over one’s own sexual behavior. “Those affected often don’t notice the problem until even a high porn consumption is no longer enough or the relationship suffers,” Geschke describes. But by then they are usually already very deep in this compulsive behavior and can hardly get out again without help.

Is porn addictive?

“One of the main symptoms of hypersexuality is high consumption of Internet porn,” says the expert. On the net, you don’t need a partner and there are no longer any social inhibitions like in the real world. Instead, you can let off steam uninhibited on sex sites and click your way through a wide variety of fantasies and practices. As a result, hypersexuals can get satisfaction for a relatively long time without any major problems in everyday life. However, the disease only gets worse because the compulsive behavior can become more and more entrenched.

But whether porn triggers a sex addiction as well is controversial. After all, many people watch such videos, but only a few become addicted to them. They rather reinforce the tendencies that some already have anyway, but can then become a serious problem.

How can I tell if I’m a sex addict?

One thing up front: just because you have a healthy libido doesn’t mean you have to worry about it. Do you like to have fun solo and look for inspiration on the Internet? That’s perfectly normal and even healthy. And if you often roll around passionately in the sheets with your sweetheart, you can confidently rejoice in that. “It becomes problematic when, despite everything, you never really feel satisfied, you can no longer control your desire, or your partnership suffers,” Geschke explains. She names the following warning signs you should watch out for:

You masturbate very often.

Do you touch yourself several times every day? Also regularly at work or on the road? Then you should ask yourself if it’s really voluntary or if you do it more out of habit or even compulsion.

You watch porn for hours on end.

“At what point porn consumption becomes too much is hard to say,” says the therapist. But if you’re always on these sites for hours at a time, and maybe even neglecting other things to do so, you should take notice.

You have others in bed all the time.

“Many sufferers change sex partners frequently,” explains the expert. Especially if you have the feeling that one and the same person can only bore you in the long run, this is a warning signal.

Your partner doesn’t keep up.

You want to constantly, but your girlfriend does not? Admittedly, this problem exists in many partnerships. Nevertheless, you should look into it. In the worst case, otherwise both get the feeling that one of them is not “enough”. “This puts an enormous strain on both of you and, unfortunately, also leads to side jumps again and again,” describes the couple therapist.

You’re never really satisfied.

You’ve just come and you’re already longing for the next time? “Over time, a habituation effect sets in and those affected feel less and less actual satisfaction,” says Geschke.

Sex plays an increasingly important role

“At some point, everything revolves around experiencing the next climax,” the therapist describes. Instead of focusing on work, plans are made about how to get the next woman into bed, or the evening with friends is replaced by the laptop and tissues. “At the latest when the behavior has negative consequences in everyday life, you should change something,” advises Geschke.

How can you treat sex addiction?

You are not sure if your sexual behavior might become compulsive? Then the most important and hardest step is to first admit that thought. “Talking about sexual problems is enormously difficult. But once hypersexuality is recognized, it can be treated well,” the therapist explains. Therefore, if you suspect you’ve lost control of your sexuality, here’s what you can do:

Be honest with yourself.

There are no embarrassing or “wrong” thoughts in front of yourself. Find a moment to yourself where you can quietly reflect on your sexuality. Go through our list of symptoms. But in doing so, look at how you really perceive it, not how you might like it to be. Whatever the outcome, you are not weak, inadequate, or unmanly; keep making that clear to yourself.

Find someone you can trust.

Talk to someone you trust. This may or may not be your partner or girlfriend; you can also go to a professional such as a sex therapist. Talking out your thoughts and hearing others’ opinions and support helps immensely.

Learn to break old patterns.

“In the case of hypersexuality, behavioral therapy is the best thing to do to break the vicious cycle,” advises Geschke. In the process, you first find out what patterns of action are actually bothering you, and gradually learn tricks to stop giving in to these impulses. “In addition, it is worthwhile to find out the causes and treat those as well,” says the therapist.

Accept the situation.

Yes, you’re facing a challenge right now, and yes, solving it will take some time. But you are not alone in this, there are others with the same problem and those around you will have your back. Keep in mind that in the end you will be happier than you are now, and that you will be able to enjoy sex much better.

The most important thing for a cure is the insight of the person affected,” explains the expert. But that’s not so easy, because the term sex addiction sounds pretty negative and is met with a lot of incomprehension. The fact that the World Health Organization (WHO) now officially recognizes the disease is definitely a step in the right direction. “If society is made more aware of this disease, it will be easier for those affected to accept it.

Is sex addiction just an excuse?

A tricky question: Can an addict be blamed for his immoral behavior? Celebrities like Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen or Harvey Weinstein in the #metoo debate justify their escapades with their sex addiction. It’s a difficult balancing act: hypersexuality is an official disease and must be taken seriously in any case, because no one is voluntarily affected by an addiction or compulsion. But if the problem becomes so big that you or others suffer from it, you have to get professional help early on. One thing is certain: There is no excuse for sexual assault!

A lot of sex is great, but the addiction to it is a serious disease, which is often kept secret. If you somehow can’t enjoy your pleasure anymore, let this thought go and find someone who can help you. Then you will quickly get out of this vicious circle or not get into it at all.