It’s 5:17 am. I’m laying on the couch wondering where life will take me now. How will I survive once June 1st comes? I publicly announced on Twitter yesterday that I will no longer be involved in any form of sex work as of June 1st. My main job is Escorting. I quit porn in 2013 and luckily have never gone back to filming. I have yet to be done with all of it. I have tried more than once to stop escorting, but my financial responsibilities always led me back to the dark industry I have come to loathe.
Don’t get me wrong, escorting afforded me to live a big life. It was never stress free though. It never led me to the goals that brought me to it in the first place. I never bought a house or put away a hefty savings to retire on. I never put myself through school (I tried) and got a degree to fall back on. At this point... I just get by... Every month. Every time I work I feel like I lose an authentic, Sacred part of myself. My body aches from the “rigorous physical activity” and my soul is sick. After being a sex worker for 12 years I am waving the white flag and calling it quits.
I never Imagined how depressed and lost I would feel from selling my body. I used to argue, “my body, my right”, in my younger years. Now I understand why people who cared about me were so concerned. As an escort I constantly make myself vulnerable to men & a heap of other risks. No matter how independent or in control I felt in a session , my clients are the ones that walk away back to their lives after our appointment. Then I’m left with the realization that escorting has become my life. It’s lonely, it’s competive, it’s expensive to mantain. My self esteem and self worth are incredibly low. Why? Because I am surrounding myself with men who value me for my looks and sexual performance. That’s it.
I’m 34 and I want more. I’m in recovery and it’s been incredibly hard to do this job Sober. To get touched when I really don’t want to get touched is the worse. To pretend I like to be in the company of sex addicts and men who cheat on their wives & call it a hobby is HARD WORK. To act like I love it and cannot wait to see them again... it makes me sick. To constantly get reviewed and rated like a product instead of a human being has worn thin.
I have made many bad choices. The first one obviously, was getting into this industry. I never knew how lonely it would be. How complicated it would make my life. How hard it is to have a relationship while doing this Job. I never thought it would be so hard to walk away from something I hate. How do you go from making $600/hr (sometimes more) and walk away with no plan? How will I pay my $3,000 rent, take care of my 7 animals, take care of myself, pay the many bills? I don’t know these answers yet, but I know I am capable of doing more in my life. I know I’m worthy of a more fulfilling life. I deserve to give myself more and this time I cannot look back.
I decided to document my Journey here. So, here goes day 2. I’m collecting my 6th month Sobriety Chip this morning at my morning meeting. My Sobriety means everything to me. I don’t want to die a miserable alcoholic death and never experience the life I truly want for myself. If I pick up I know I will die. It leads me straight to Suicide because I feel so stuck in this industry. There’s so much trauma I have to heal from. My story isn’t a glamorous one. I hope to make it an inspiring one though.
Here’s to a new day... here is to the rest of my life! I’m ready to start making time for my dreams. I’m a writer, an artist, a photographer, an animal lover, a survivor. I’m a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, a woman who wants to help others. First, I must help myself. I’m resilient, I’m smart, I’m savvy, I’m kind & compassionate. I’m so much more than a sex worker and I’m ready to prove that to myself.