First Love

It started out innocently. It wasn’t my intention to go all the way. But when you’re young, and someone says they care about you, that they love you, you fall for them. Especially when you’ve never done anything like that. I had never been in a relationship before, I had never had a boyfriend, and I had never been kissed. Twenty-one years old, and I haven’t ever had sex.

But, strangely enough I knew how to flirt. I knew how to get someone to look at me in that manner. I had men in their forties looking at me when I was sixteen. I couldn’t help it. I was pretty and mysterious. From a young age I had always made sure that I looked as if I had a deep secret.

I didn’t have a secret, I was just very broken down. The field of work I’m in isn’t always kind. You can pour your heart and soul into it and you don’t get appreciated. For years I had been beaten down emotionally. There were times where I felt I had my heart ripped out of my chest. I became harsh. I put a barrier up. I promised myself that I would never let someone in.

Then he came along. He had traveled and been around the world. He was cultured and mature. He was thirty five. But he had a boyish quality. He wasn’t afraid to speak his mind. He had a beautiful way with words.

I had known him for a couple of years. We met at an event one summer. It was one of those moments when you lock eyes with someone across the room. There was a spark. His eyes were intense. Taking me in. It was like he was looking into my soul. Little did he know that I was almost broken inside.

We became acquaintances. Followed each other on social media. Exchanged occasional Instagram story replies. A few number of times we’d run into each other around the city. We’d say our hellos and continue with our day. But I never forgot that spark we felt the day we first met.

Two summers later, I was working on a job. The person I had been working with had to drop out. It was my responsibility to find a replacement. Going through my contacts I came across him. He would be perfect. He certainly was qualified. So, I brought him on.

It began professionally. We’d do our work for the day then go our own ways at the end of the day. Then, he started to walk me to my train. The next week it turned into drinks after work. He’d bring me my morning coffee too. By the end of the month, we were having dinners at the end of the week.

Then the messages started. He’d send messages at six o’clock in the morning. Good morning. How are you today? And I’d answer. How could I not? He was my co-worker. Then the messages got more intense. I had a dream about you last night. I can’t get you out of my head.

Did I mention he was married? Yes. He was married. I knew he was married from the moment after that spark. She came over to him while we were looking at each other. She didn’t seem to notice though. I remember thinking, of course he’s married. It was just my luck. Yet another married man looking my way. Where were all the single ones?

I tried to come up with witty and flirty responses to his messages. Because at the time, that’s all it was. Innocent flirting.

After a while I started to feel something. Something I’d never felt before. I had liked people previously. But nothing like this. I didn’t know what it was. Affection? Love? Desire? Was it the idea that someone was interested in me? Then he sends the message. The message that made me stop everything I was doing:

I’m falling in love with you.

I had to hold onto the bathroom sink for support. I couldn’t believe what I was reading was actually real. Someone said that they’re falling in love with me. I was filled with so many mixed emotions. Mainly guilt. He was married. I had to be honest with him. I’d said that I didn’t deny that I felt something too. But we couldn’t. We simply couldn’t. He said that he’s never felt this way about anyone. Not even his wife. He asked me if I’d meet him to talk. And I said yes.

My heart was racing on my way to meet him. I was shaking. I didn’t know what to expect. What would I say? What would he do? We met under a bridge in a park.

We found each other. Then he pulled me into his arms and gave me the best embrace I’ve ever received. He just held me. Neither of us said anything for a while. I’d never had a man hold me like that. It felt good. I felt safe.

He said that I’d had him from day one. That day we saw each other across the room. I enraptured him. He wanted to know everything about me. He really felt something for me.

I told him I felt it too. I also told him I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve never had real feelings for anyone. We talked a little more. He held my hand. We were just staring at each other. Wondering what to do. Is this something to pursue?

I needed to be somewhere and told him I needed to get going. He told me to wait.

I looked up at him. Then, he took my face in both his hands. He kissed me. He really kissed me.

I let him kiss me. I kissed him back. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I just followed his lead. He moved a hand down my back and grabbed my ass. And I mean grabbed it. I ran my hand through his hair. He pressed against me more. It got aggressive. We were finally able to give into what we had been feeling for months. And it felt wonderful.

He wouldn’t let me leave. Quite honestly I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay there in his arms forever. I didn’t want to go to my four o’clock appointment. When we stopped, he walked me to the train. All I could think is that we lived in a city where everyone knows everyone. If this was going to continue, we’d have to be careful.

Of course we continued. We saw each other almost everyday working on that job. We’d purposefully meet up earlier in the day to be together. We would still have our drinks and dinners. Then after we’d say goodbye, we’d text each other two minutes later. We couldn’t go two minutes without knowing what the other was doing.

I still couldn’t believe that I was doing this. Having an affair. I was in my very first relationship and it was an affair. We were taking a huge risk. His wife was kind of important. And I knew her. We used to work together. I just never knew who her husband was. One word of this and both of our careers gone.

I tried to fool myself. I tried to convince myself that this was ok. People had affairs all the time. Right? What’s the big deal? We were being super cautious. Not even my best friend who was also working on the job had picked anything up.

One day, he asked me if I wanted to meet him at a hotel. Rent it for a couple of hours. He said he didn’t want to hide anymore. He wanted to hold me and kiss me without worrying about someone seeing us. Once again, I said yes.

I knew what he really wanted. He wouldn’t say it though. He never pressured me into anything. He always asked if what he was doing was okay. I had always appreciated that. But I did have a decision to make. Did I want him to be the one to take my virginity? I did. I wanted him to be my first.

He arrived at the hotel before me. I had him make sure made sure that it was “cash only”. It was such a shady place. Clearly drug deals were made there. The lobby had one person behind the desk. There was complimentary coffee and old stale mini muffins. How charming.

I walked up the old rundown stairs and found the room. I raised my hand to knock. I paused I could easily turn back and go down the stairs. Tell him that I had an emergency and couldn’t make it. He must have sensed I was outside because he opened the door.

The room wasn’t nice. I wasn’t expecting it to be. There was a small dresser. A full size bed. At least we got a room with a toilet. I read that some rooms didn’t and there were ones located in the hallway. The comforter on the bed was cheap. Like the ones they have in nursing homes.

I had put my hair up and wore sunglasses so nobody would recognize me if they saw me. I felt like I was in a movie or tv show. I had actually laughed at myself while I was getting ready. Getting in disguise.

I took off the glasses and let my hair down. I let my bag and jacket fall to the floor. I looked to him and gave a soft smile. He walked over to me and brushed my cheek. He asked how I was. I was fine. I wasn’t nervous. I was calm and collected.

He started to kiss me slowly. Gently. No ass grabbing. After a little bit he started to take my top off. We kissed some more. He picked me up and laid me on the bed. Some more kissing. He struggled with the hooks on my bra and we had a laugh about it. Once that was off, he started kissing my neck. Moved down to my breasts. Then my stomach. I knew where this was heading.

Just when when we was about to unzip my pants, his phone rang. I don’t know who it was. Probably his wife because he answered.

I’m glad the phone rang because I had to pee. But I didn’t want to interrupt what we had going. I stood at the sink and took a breath. I looked at myself in the mirror. There I was. I was really about to do this. I was about to loose my innocence. Although, I was pretty sure I had lost it when we started all of this in the first place. Everything that was pure and good about me what gone. All in a matter of a couple of months.

I went back into the room.

“ Sorry about that.” He said sitting on the bed.

I told him it was fine and walked over to him. We started to kiss again. This time a little more strongly. He laid me on the bed again. He unzipped my jeans and pulled them off along with my underwear. I was completely naked. So vulnerable. I wasn’t afraid though.

He was still completely clothed. And I was the one stark naked on the bed. Thinking back now, I was a little mad when he did that. He knew that this was my first time. He should have at least taken his clothes off too. He did eventually.

He took me by the knees and spread my legs open. I propped myself up on my hands to look at him. Then he put his head there. He started performing oral sex. Holy shit. I just let him do it. He kept going. God it felt amazing.

He asked me if he could do it. I nodded my head. Honestly, I didn’t know much about sex. My mother hadn’t been very open about it with me. I just knew the basics. I read that it can hurt at first. That you bleed. Everyone’s first experience is different. I was about to find out what mine would be.

He began to thrust gently. There was a little bit of pain. Nothing I couldn't handle though. He asked if I was ok. I was. He started to thrust faster. I felt my breath become shaky. I wasn't sure what more to do. I was just laying there full on spread eagle. I decided to dig my nails into his lower back. Well, boy did he love that. It got more angsty.

Next thing I knew I had a leg up in the air and a hand around my neck. I loved it. He started to kiss my leg and foot. He gave my throat a little squeeze. I grabbed the headboard behind me for stability. After a little more he stopped and collasped beside me.

We just held each other for a while. Neither of us said a word. He stroked my bare body. Starting at the shoulder then moving down my arms. Then from my hip to my knee.

We started to kiss again. Softly. Romantically. Then we got aggressive again.

This time, he pulled me on top of him. Face to face. We both started rocking back and fourth to our own rhythm. He burried his face in my neck and chest. There was a mirror on the wall. Not a decorative one. The kind that would be in a practice room.

I stared at myself in that mirror. I took in what I was seeing. Me on top of him. My hand clutching his hair. The other on his chest slightly giving resistance. I pulled his head back to look at him. Then I looked at the person I saw in the mirror. I thought to myself, I am the other woman.

After we were done, he asked me how I felt. I knew he wanted me to say that I felt awakened or reborn or some shit like that. Honestly, I felt nothing. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t upset. I didn’t feel any different from when I had walked into the hotel room. I said that I felt wonderful. Then he said that he loved me. I said it back because, well what was I supposed to say?

Am I that broken inside? I had just had my first sexual experience and I didn’t feel different at all. Was the sex bad? It couldn’t have been. I thought that if it was bad, I would have known.

We kept meeting at that hotel. I felt like I was really falling in love with this man. We couldn’t stop messaging each other when we were apart. He would say the most romantic things and my heart would soar. He even brought up divorcing his wife a couple of times. He asked if he could get a divorce, would I marry him? He wanted to be with me. Wake up next to me every morning. Be the last thing he saw before we went to sleep.

I thought he was serious. I really did fall in love with him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I told him that I would marry him if it worked out that way. I thought that this would really happen for me.

But then, he went away for a trip. With his wife. We continued to text. He stopped saying the things he used to say. I’d ask how he was and he wouldn’t answer. The only messages I started getting were good morning and good night. When I asked if something was wrong, he would say that everything was fine.

The day he got back, we met at the hotel. I could tell he was different. He seemed distant. We had sex(quite rough sex actually). I almost asked him about leaving his wife. But, something told me that I shouldn’t. Something within me knew, deep down, that he’d never leave her. He had a life. He wouldn’t throw that away for me. I was so naive to believe he’d actually leave her.

We still see each other from time to time. At this point, it’s just sex. I get the occasional I miss you text from him. What I miss is our long conversations. I really opened up to him. I’ve never been open about anything with anyone before. I felt like I could tell him anything. Everything. My dreams. My fears. I let my guard down. I broke the promise I made to myself. To never let anyone truly in. And I swear, I am never going to break that promise again.