Every Guy Makes The Same, Boring, Six Mistakes In The Bedroom

If you searched the internet looking for advice on how to improve your performance in the bedroom, Google brings up over 1.5 billion search results. Specifically for the question; How can I get better in bed in bed?

Which, I might add, is very specific.

This disturbing number of results indicates there are so many people out there trying to help those who have no idea what they're doing in the bedroom.

And despite the wealth of information, you can scroll the internet corridors of Facebook groups and Reddit only to find guys still suck at sex.

I'm sure girls still suck at sex, too. And I don't deny they're searching for their answers. But I can't speak for sleeping with women, because I haven't really done it. Well, I haven't done it that much.

If I guy were to come up to me and ask that question, "How can I get better in bed in bed?", I wouldn't send them to sex therapy. Or even encourage more practice in the hope of perfection.

I wouldn't even say they needed to hit the gym or start watching more porn. 

Quite the opposite.

I would tell them to stop being clueless about their performance. To realise they're making the same old mistakes as every other Joe-schmo, and to do something about it.

Because we women, when we're hunting for the "next guy", we don't want a repackaged "old guy".

In short, don't be like the "old guy".

Every guy watches way too much porn

Porn always gets a bad wrap. When it's introduced into the relationship, at any stage, you've either lost the person you're with. Or you have them for life. Each to their own.

Yet, porn has created a problem that most men don't acknowledge. Every man who claims to have a 'healthy relationship' with it would deny it being an issue for them.

I get why. You don't want to stop watching porn. I get it. So do all the women out there. But here's a little word of advice; watching porn is causing you problems.

For women, we can spot a man who watches some, lots or too much porn. How? It's simple. It's the man's unreasonable standards of our performance and behaviour in the bedroom.

It's when you think the following has to be true of sex:

• We have to be fully naked whilst having sex
• We're totally open to having sex in every single scenario - No, when the Zombies invade, we aren't turned on.
• We're totally open to bringing other people into the bedroom
• Women will moan, scream, squirt, and dirty talk during sex
• Women get turned on dressing up for you - We're only turned on because you are, FYI. Being a sexy nurse doesn't get the juices flowing for most women.
• Every sexual encounter has to be award-winning

No, I'm not going to be one of those crazed women who tell you not to watch porn. After all, you probably got most of your juvenile sex education from watching it. 

So who am I to admonish it?

But let's exercise some balance. Take off the rose-coloured glasses before hopping into bed with a woman.

We aren't porn stars. So stop thinking we going to act like paid actresses with arousal scripts.

Quit stabbing in the dark

Speaking of going back to school, have you studied a woman's anatomy at all?

We all joke about men not finding a woman's clitoris, but for some men, this is the least of their worries.

What you see in textbooks, porn, and illicit images online aren't indicative of what most women look like. And feel like to touch. It's like you have no idea what it's like down there. 

Cliched, right?

When women say they don't think a man knows what he's doing down there, this is what she really means:

• You have a set idea of what my vagina/breasts/body should be and I'm not living up to it now you're seeing me naked
• I don't look like the last woman/women you've been with
• I don't look like the first person you slept with and learned everything about pleasure from
• I don't look like a typical person on the internet who has defined the standards of vaginas
• You haven't accounted for any of my life into how my body looks, such as having a baby, having surgery, gaining weight, losing weight, stretch marks, skin issues, and so on.

Never stop learning about a woman's anatomy. 

Talk to the people you're with, explore their bodies together, and ask them about how they enjoy sex. If you create a conversation, they will literally tell you how their body works and what they like.

You won't have to guess. You will get it right.

* I will note that some women need some education on foreskins, for example. But that's for another time.

Thinking you can get what you want during sex without "give and take"

Do you know why girls don't like blow jobs? Or why the world thinks we don't like blow jobs?

For most girls, it's because we don't get any pleasure out of it.

It's uncomfortable on the knees, the jaw, the palette. And sometimes, the only pleasure we do get is revelling in your pleasure, which we have to work super hard for.

Or we don't get it at all because you didn't come and then we're blamed for having even tried to please you.

Minefield. Complete and utter.

Sex is about giving and taking. I believe this underpins the reason why religion believes we should wait until marriage. By then, we're willing to comprise, give and take, everywhere else. We should be able to do it in the bedroom.

You might think this one-night stand, for example, doesn't require you to exercise compromise. Or if it's not a relationship, who cares?!

If you want to keep sucking, maintain that attitude. But if you thought more of this as partner dancing, you might find the experience better if you worked with the person you're sleeping with.

If only for a night. It wouldn't kill you to try, either.

Way too much self-exploration

If you know what turns you on, it helps us a lot. We know how to pleasure you. And this makes the experience as memorable and desirable as possible.

But there are many women out there who can attest to unrealistic pleasure standards men imposed on them. Distinct from the porn problem, it's the fact the woman isn't giving the man the masturbation experience.

When you pleasure yourself too much, you form a routine of what sexual experiences should be. You train your body to have an orgasm through one means; your hand to penis masturbation.

When you involve someone else, an element to the experience you can't control, a letdown is highly probable.

The woman isn't going to touch you the way you do. They aren't going to whisper what you say in your head as you're tugging away. They are going to expect something in return.

Porn and masturbation in excess have the same warnings; you want something from women they can't give you.

And then you hurt yourself by blaming the woman rather than setting realistic expectations for sex.

You have the same old moves to get a woman into bed

Here's something they must teach all guys in school. Because almost every guy I've been with, and the same for my friends, has the same sex script. It goes something like this:

1. Kiss the girl - Lips must touch and linger. Confirmed, this isn't a friendly kiss.
2. Really start kissing the girl - The kissing turns from polite to almost grotesque. Tongues. Mouths open.
3. Kissing and thrusting - We can feel your pelvis begin to shift and head towards ours. You want us to know you're hard and ready to go.
4. Groping - If we didn't get it from the thrusting, you make sure there isn't an erotic part of us you haven't fondled.
5. Preparation - You make sure we're wet enough to put it in. Any means possible.
6. Routine moves - You do the same old move set as everyone else. Sometimes good, sometimes unforgettably.

If we can predict what you're going to do, and if you do what the last guy did, what makes you special? What makes you memorable?

What makes us want to come back for more from you?

What about your penis size? Does it matter?

If you're a routine man, you have set moves that every girl can predict, that's when size comes into play.

Nowhere have I mentioned that the size of your penis is a mistake you need to manage.

But if you're going to recite the same old script, it better be because you have a magic-sized penis that can perform orgasms on cue. It's the only time a woman will forgive you for being predictable in the bedroom.

Stop thinking we're fussy now we're voicing our standards

We all know it takes two to tango by the way. We women aren't perfect. We don't get right in the bedroom, either.

And this isn't about perfectionism. No woman expects orgasms every time we go to bed with a man.

In many ways, we try to be expectation free. We've been trained about the perils of being vocal about our needs.

If we don't have needs, we don't have expectations.

Then comes along a woman who's done with keeping her mouth shut and you think she is being high maintenance. She wants certain things from you in the bedroom and she's telling you about it.

She must be a bitch.

You could think the same thing of me writing this. I'm a male basher who's coming after all the disappointing sex in my life. This is some weird revenge for unsatisfying sex.

If you want to think that, I can't stop you. But it's another mistake that drives women away.

The next girl you want to sleep with doesn't need a man who believes in outdated, antiquated views of women. That won't get the modern girl off.

I'm not trying to rewrite the feminist revolution. I don't believe it to be about feminism at all. It's simply about respect.

You're going to be amazing in bed if you genuinely cared about what the woman wants.