Emi the Sexplorer
An afterthought from a former church girl
‘Sexy’ was one of my key words for 2019. I sought to confront the way I thought about sex, viewed sex, and how I partook in it. I wanted this to serve as a framework of sorts to how I’d renegotiate terms to intimacy. You see, there were limits to my bedroom performance that I wasn’t satisfied with. Realizing that our bodies were made for pleasure and there was more about mine that was unknown than known, I was ready to push my boundaries.
I wanted to test the depths of my anatomy orgasmically, all the while knowing how to please my man entirely. Equally important. I was uncomfortably aware of myself during intercourse sometimes. I’d do what I thought my partner would find pleasing, but this approach was restraining and frustrating. Truthfully, what I wanted was to be ‘sexy’ in manifest. I wanted to enjoy it without second guessing myself. I thought: if I’m not fully persuaded at my performance, surely my partner isn’t, either? I craved epitomizing everything I believed was effective, intimidating even, about porn. This opened a rabbit hole of questions that I began to ask myself, about myself.
Because I was physically struggling to keep up with a pace I was satisfied with, one of my first orders of business was to get stronger. Your whole body should be stable for ALL of the acts at an optimum level of giving and receiving carnal thrills. I’d tire quicker than I wanted to, my muscles failed me before X could mark the spot (new position, new position!). It takes strong biceps and triceps for an effective hand job. Your legs need muscular support to withstand bouncing until you peak. There are limits to your own fingers and toys that a good candidate can surpass by far. But despite the challenges of being a single woman with standards exploring the profundity of her body for the sake of sexual pleasure, I’ve learned some things and want to reflect on my road to sex-ightenment.
Exercise does indeed make for a more enriching sexual experience. Cardio, weight training and yoga are all beneficial if quality is what you look for. I can go on extensively on the why’s and how’s, but I’ll be frank with brief examples: Stamina can help if you and/or your partner can withstand gliding a spot long enough to climax, multiple times even (kind of like a piñata that finally breaks after so many thorough hits)! Flexibility is a joyride for harder to reach spots/hidden areas. Stretch, stretch, stretch! As aforementioned, muscular endurance is great for positions that require more physical exertion than others because they reap higher-sensation rewards. \These are few examples of many, many ways one can experience new tingles in new areas. The fun is in testing it all out as you push the confines to your capabilities.
Another observation: I’ve learned how to handle being rejected. The fear of it paralyzed me for years. Being forward about what I wanted was faced with some declines. My pride took a hit. Instead of wallowing, I dug deeper. I faced awful truths about myself that caused despair as I coped with pain and humility. More liberating was the practice of rejecting people, men (they’re a different breed than people!), ideas, notions and opinions that opposed the outcome I was searching for. I refuted anything contrary to how I redetermined the boundaries that gave me unrelenting certainty. It ignited my confidence!
Confidence, confidence is key. It rocked me noticing how often I dwindled in my own skin, everywhere, all the time. If I felt a bad vibe, or even the slightest difference of opinion, all of these things merited inward shrinkage of self assurance. Doing risqué things was revolutionary. Small, everyday things. Whatever was organic to how I define ‘sexy’ at any given moment. Practicing tantra yoga pushed my level of comfort constantly. My yogi coach would instruct me to move specific body parts, a hand or shoulder, like if it were the definition of sexy. How do you move JUST an arm and embody ‘sexy?' How do you sway sensually under someones instruction, while they watch you professionally, and really feel sexy? Doing tantra yoga was pivotal because it helped me become deliberately loose in my surroundings, at all times.
The experience of being rejected, learning how and what to say no to and gaining unwavering tenacity were valuable results from focusing my entire year on one major word. My greatest takeaway is the importance of tuning into my own needs and adjusting accordingly. It’s freed me on levels that flow into the sexual aspect of my being. Amazing coitus is simply an overflow of this. It’s a perpetual, progressive type of work. As women, we have to debunk the lies of insecurities hidden so deep within that only making a conscious effort to face, accept and change can show us, over and over again. We have a tendency to lessen ourselves when faced with self-doubt. This negatively impacted how I was having sex. It capped my orgasms. I rejected that in 2019 and I’m intentional on never allowing myself to feel unsure again. Not about myself, to myself, and not in any of my interactions or relationships. My sexploration catapulted this. I embarked on this for the giving and receiving of all of the orgasms. And because—I’m just going to say it: because I love sex, it's healthy for you! What I’ve discovered in dissecting ‘sexy’ is a broader aspect of myself that has cultivated euphoria, in and out of the bedroom. It is no longer a keyword, but something I exhibit in the fabric of my being. Sex on, sexies.