Cultural Ambassador from Planet Zikorax

“I have read the poetry of Earthmen,

And fondled less than fifty Earthwomen.

I have been to your Holy Places

And learned nothing at all.”

These words were the final message of Dr. Moze, before returning to his home-world. At least, that's where he said he was going. One of my film actresses swore she saw him in a bar in Portland, Oregon less than a month ago. But, let's start with introductions. I am Roscoe Forthright, a filmmaker and perhaps only human to drink absinthe with Dr. Moze. I was also his closest human friend.

Dr. Jeremiah Moze is an extraterrestrial with a fondness for Earth-Girls. On his home-world, Planet Zikorax, the females are generally unattractive which serves as natural birth-control, and in truth the population has diminished almost to extinction. For this reason, The Supreme Elders of the Quilopthian Council sent Dr. Moze into the galaxy in search of attractive females with whom to breed. Humans are the most attractive of the sentient species. Dr. Moze discovered he had no taste at all for reptilian, avian or insectoid females.

In an unpublished interview, Dr. Moze said: “I'm not on Earth only to make babies for Zikorax. With filmmaker Roscoe Forthright I create human video entertainment. I spank the Earth-Girls when they are bad, or simply require some stimulation. Spank. Spank. Spank! I offer philosophical options to the milk-toast mamby pamby ideals of 21st Century America. Grow a pair.”

This quote was prompted by the discovery of a new Book of the Old Testament, cuneiform tablets discovered in the ruins of an America-bombed temple, and brought to Mosul, Iraq in 2008. A local Imam recognized the value of this find, and gave the tablets to the Chaldean Catholic Archeparchy of Mosul. The tablets subsequently went to the Vatican for extensive examination and authentication.

Below is the first print publication of this book, smuggled out to me by a Vatican fabric vendor.

For obvious reasons, the Holy Fathers did not want this document widely circulated. (Video reading by the Little Sisters of Divine Grace.)

Excerpts from The Book of Heggai

The Lord God said to the Elders of Judah:

"Thou shalt spank the bad little girls. Spank. Spank. Spank."

Four virgins were brought to the House of Heggai,

Heggai, Keeper of the Women.

All four virgins were quick to practice

The oral, manual and vaginal skills

Taught them in the House of Heggai.

After six months, six days and six hours of training

Master Heggai presented Ya-Keem, Mozel and Bob with their women.

And the sons of King of Persia were astonishes with great astonishment.

The fourth virgin, Chelsea was not pleased

with her fate. Chelsea did not wish to be

a traveling concubine, with no home of her own

and no status as the wife of a Prince. To serve the Princes

when their wive were in a bad mood, or in the Cycles of the Moon.

After two years, all was not well in the royal house. Chelsea was taken away,

returned to the House of Heggai. When Heggai opened his doors to her,

Chelsea fell to her knees, crying with great joy, smiling and laughing.

Chelsea said to Heggai, “Oh my Lord, Heggai, I have shamed your name

before King Ahasuarus and stolen gold from the Princes of Persia.

I have been a bad, bad little girl. Spank me! Oh Lord, spank me,

As written in the Sacred Scriptures of Judah!”

____

Shortly before his disappearance, Dr. Moze said to me: “As an extraterrestrial visiting your planet, I make no claims to special knowledge or spiritual enlightenment of any kind. Though I am certain millions of humans have tight little sphincters, and do not have nearly as much fun as they might have. I make no apologies whenever my art or my personal behavior is outside the inane rules of political correctness. Often I just want to tickle pretty, willing and friendly women, and whisper-- Who's your Daddy?”