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Confessions of a Savage

They can't all be winners

By Xena WarriorPublished 4 years ago 5 min read
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Men come in all sorts of categories as sex partners: dominant, submissive, pretty, kinky, large, small, excellent, not so excellent. Some are forgettable while others I still think about (For the ones I still think about, see my previous posts).

Then there are the ones that are so bad, you want to put them in a comedy sketch. This post is dedicated to the men that represented scraping the bottom of the barrel. Cheers to the losers…

The one thing I’ll give these guys is that it was my fault too. I was in a hoe phase and didn’t give a shit about them. However, I’m demisexual; which means I need an emotional connection to someone in order to be sexually attracted to them. So it wasn’t my place to do hookups when I went in knowing I wouldn’t be sexually attracted... or possibly even satisfied 😂

The two worst ones were in Texas. Yes, that’s how I’m starting this. It’s a filthy LIE when they say, “Everything is bigger in Texas.” The first guy, I took an Uber to his place to hook up with, and he was SO small that I couldn’t even tell if it was in. For starters, he couldn’t get the first condom on. So he tossed the first and went for a second. When he finally got it on his knub, the bitch stayed on bottom. He tried to make me bounce on him like I was attached to a fucking springboard because he had such little shaft. The entire time I was thinking, “I hate you. I fucking hate you.” Originally, I had planned to stay overnight but as soon as this guy left the bed I ordered my own Lyft.

The second guy from Texas came to my hotel by Uber and apparently hadn’t slept in 72 hours, so he took an Adderall. Thanks to that little magic pill, he couldn’t get it up. This guy tried going down on me… actually, I ought to say “under me” because he had me kneel on the bed while he laid underneath me… to get me going, and this guy was not good at it. For one, he talked, which is my pet peeve. Don’t talk when you’re trying to turn me on, I’d rather gag you. Two, it felt like he had dry mouth. So because I wasn’t turned on and couldn’t get wet, and his tongue was also dry, it made for very uncomfortable oral. After a few minutes, I just stopped him because it wasn’t worth the fatigue I got in my legs. He wanted to make it up to me and asked if he could see me again. “Fuck no,” was what I thought, but instead I said, “Oh sure. You can see me again… under one condition.”

He looked hopeful.

“Tell me my name without looking at Tinder.”

There was a pause. “Awww, c’mon,” he complained.

To which I ushered him to the door and said, “Thank you, get out.”

I did have one FABULOUS experience with a guy in Texas, but he was originally from New York. His post is COMING SOON.

Moving on to Vegas.

I ended up meeting a guy at a nightclub and dancing with him. We had left together and gone to an area inside the hotel which consisted of a medley of games; large Jenga set, air hockey, etc. I was absolutely destroyed by him trying to play air hockey only after finding out he was Canadian. Figures. He was a complete gentleman though, so we exchanged numbers. We agreed to see each other the following day after getting a little explicit through messaging. I went to his hotel only to find out that he was sharing a room with three other people and had gotten rip-roaring drunk at the pool. I was pissed. He drunkenly suggested that we go to my place.

Alright fool,” I thought.

I bitched at him the whole car ride to my apartment.

“You’re useless to me now,” I chided.

Of course he couldn’t get it up; he was hammered. We tried sixty nining and it wasn’t terrible… but then he started talking.

“Oh yeah, you like that bitch?” he tried to dirty talk.

I was annoyed. I maneuvered the head of his penis out of my mouth and moved down to his balls. I gathered one in my mouth… and bit him.

“Ahhh!”

He sat onto his knees and held his stomach.

“I can’t believe you just did that! Oh my God, I feel like I’m gonna throw up.”

“Stop bitching,” was my only response.

Needless to say, I never saw him again… but we’re still friends on Instagram.😂

This last one was more of a personal low point and less of the other party being ridiculous:

I found a guy who seemed pretty decent; met him for a drink first and talked for a while before deciding to have him over later. He showed up on his motorcycle, took his helmet off, and once I opened the door for him, he waltzed into my room and plopped himself right on my bed. We cuddled for what seemed like five seconds before he started kissing me.

Side note: I always find it unsettling when I go in for a hookup and mouth to mouth happens immediately. I recognize that shows I’m just not equipped for meaningless sex, which I accept, but come on: ease me in, flirt a little or something.

Once clothes were off, that’s when I realized the problem: he had stinky dick. As if he had just come from fucking someone else and he smelled like someone else’s vagina.

“Yeah, where’s your condom?”

He reluctantly pulled out a rubber. He was another one that stayed on bottom, but here’s what made this experience a low point for me: it wasn’t just his stinky dick, but while I was riding him, I literally had this thought: “I don’t know your name… and I don’t care.”

I know, it makes me a filthy hypocrite to ask one guy to remember my name while I also couldn’t care less about knowing another guy’s name. The number one reason I have no remorse is because I know they also DID NOT care.

And those are just the sexual encounters. I didn't even mention some of the train wreck dates. 😂

comedy
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About the Creator

Xena Warrior

If you would like to have a personal story or fantasy written, please reach out to [email protected]

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