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Communication in the Bedroom

When It's Okay to Say No

By Ashlyn HarperPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

I am known for being a "Susie-talks-a lot" to my friends and family. While I might be a little shy at first glance, the second I warm up to you there is no stopping my mouth. I’ll be the first to admit that my stories can be annoying. Instead of going from A-Z I have to stop at L, P, and Q before getting to my actual story. However, until recently, my mouth didn’t do much of anything in the bedroom.

You should be asking, “Well, why would you be doing much conversing during sex?” When I say my mouth is shut, I mean I don’t communicate negatively ever. That hurt? I’ll just suffer through it. That’s not doing anything for me? I’ll just fake it, I guess. It turned sex into more of a chore than something I enjoyed. At a certain point, I had been so closed off with my partner that I just assumed there would never be a good time to bring it up.

If you can sympathize with this, then I’m here to say, yes, you can say something even if you never have. At a certain stage in my relationship, I realized by not communicating I was actually hurting what we had in and out of bed. Unless you are in a one night stand or with a douchebag (which I hope is not the case), then your partner usually can figure out when you aren’t enjoying bedtime anymore.

My need to make the other half happy was actually ruining everything. While I still have some struggle giving negative feedback, I’m growing more confident in my own happiness and self-worth in the bedroom. Now I’ve realized that not only has talking things out made our intimacy more enjoyable, but also has grown us closer in all aspects of our relationship.

Communication doesn’t have to be in the moment, blurting out "stop." If you aren’t ready for that type of announcement, I have found a few things useful for myself. A baby step would be after sex, when you’re cuddled up, to ask them what they enjoyed and disliked about the experience. Then talk about what you love that he or she does. Without coming off harsh, I prefer to give feedback like, “While I’m not a huge fan of this position, I love when you do this.”

Not only is this not as hard to hear, but it gives your partner a chance to try something new that will add excitement to the bedroom. At the end of the day, they want you to be happy during sex. When both parties are happy, then the experience is so much more enjoyable. If they don’t want that for you then, I’m sorry, but they are not worth your time. No one, and I mean NO ONE, should not be heard when it comes to sex.

Since I’m not a big announcer of what I don’t like, I’ve set up some rules with my partner. If we aren’t enjoying a position or are in any form of pain, we give two little taps on the shoulder. This way, no mood is ruined and you can easily transition to something else.

Talking about things can always seem scary (especially when you don’t have the greatest things to say). I promise you, it is better to say something than to keep silent. If you truly trust the other party and have each other’s thoughts in mind, then sex can be amazing and fun. Sometimes, you’ll even find that your companion was scared to say something as well and you starting the conversation leads to closeness for both parties. Remember, it is okay to speak out!

sexual wellness

About the Creator

Ashlyn Harper

A chaotic room of stories. My curiosities lead me in all types of directions, creating a chaotic writing pathway. I want this place to be for experimenting, improving my craft, and sharing new ideas with anyone willing to read them.

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