Catching the Blues

Contemplating running back in to get the blue stilettos, my Uber ride will be here in less than six minutes. The rain was coming down terribly and I needed to make it to the Amtrak Station by 6:15. My mind and heart is racing. I stood for thirty seconds on the thoughts, I got one those dizzy spells. Breathe, think, unlock the door, breathe…....

His favorite color is blue, he loves the Chicago Bears and Dallas Cowboys. They are playing tonight opposite each other and I am OMW to meet him. I plan to be the biggest cheerleader for him tonight. All I really need is these heels but this lace mini dress works and a bag of goodies can bring more boom and fireworks to the celebration. He has truly been missed.

For weeks I have been doing some inner spiritual work, I have been experiencing so many mixed emotions. I have been challenged by some of my closest friends on how I can be so devilish and saintly at the same time. I will explain this:

After the horrific incident; about three years old, my lover whom I had been cheating with caught me in an awkward entanglement with my current lover. My wife at the time still was clueless about this triad love situation.

Well, there was my saintly self keeping this Lily Clean for her. I checked and balanced out dates and emergency trips by saying, I was checking on family members or my daughter. “My sweetness, I do not want you to feel threatened or attacked for My family’s ignorances, judgment; I am the tough one...” patting my chest. “Ok, Phoenix, I am praying for you,” Alex echoed in a whisper. I remember that echoing as Vemo had tied me to the barstool in the corner of this room. It was dark and cold as looked around; I noticed Erik passed out on a dark chocolate chaise across the room. Limp. I could not tell if it was the chill from Vemo’s heart and silver blade in his hand. It felt as if I was dreaming. Of course, this could not be real. I remembered meeting Erik at the Tiki Room and in the conversation on how Vemo was cool and laid back; Vemo was a chill type of dude. Erik seemed a little nervous about our meeting and planned play. We usually go to one of the sex clubs and let others watch our Tantric show.

Nibbling at his nails, “so is Vemo your chocolate boy-toy, ok with this?”

I laughed, “Yes, initially, Vemo asked me a few months back could he watch me and Alex but I told him she was off-limits!”

“Me too?” Erik sneaking in a half-smile to avert his nervousness.

“Well, we are here because you both had a common fetish about seeing me in action. One out of three wishes is a nice compromise and the other wish I am working on.” I was tingling with glee for it all to play out.

Erik is young, a little shy and a closeted freak, I love his curly locks and the way he scoops them away to kiss me. He almost always agrees with any situation I place on the table. He is a master at detailing out his fantasies or giving mine more outcomes for the best execution for the most pleasure. I love him. I actually love him beyond the great sex. But Vemo on the flip side gives me euphoric highs like taking ecstasy in mouthfuls; literally and metaphorically. Well, each was offered to play in my game. Separately, I began with a briefing and introduction of myself, which includes my marital status, clean health status, and my kinks status. I offer the opportunity of dating openly and three wishes between the diad. I get one and they get two wishes granted. A desire for more or a declaration of love ends all for me. Which is stated within the agreements to engage.

Vemo is a bad boy yet he coils into a cub in my presence. I love his presence. I feel like a princess when I am with him. I can be spoiled and charmed. With Alex, I am the spoiler and protector for her. I always feel heavy pressure to stay on my toes. It is so draining. Five years into our union I was sleeping with Vemo on the side. Vemo is the whole package for me. He treats me well. He never questions anything I do or ask of him to do for me. In my mind with the twisted ways, I wanted to fuck Alex as Vemo fucks me; if only I had a penis.

I blink my eyes a few times; I can’t seem to make sense of this consciousness. I felt the blood dripping from my inner right thigh. I knew it was not wetness from having had a few orgasms. The scent was different and Vemo was speaking in Spanish/ English and I was begging and crying for Vemo to untie me. Random thoughts were invading my train of thinking, I said, “ I’d never date another Cuban they let their passions carry them so far away,..... my friends warned me to let Vemo go, “He is too possessive,” and went way too far sending you flowers to your job and then to “your and Alex’s home!” I hoped Erik was still breathing. I can not let this shit be on my conscious, he’s a kid himself. Sobbing into a cloud of smoke, “Venom take me….. please don’t pull the trigger, his sobs equaled mine as he pointed the gun at himself and back at me and this went on for about seven minutes as I tried to convince him to not do it. “You both are young and can find someone who can love you both, more than I can ever How am I going to explain this to Alex, I was so far from home. I cried for all of our pain. I felt for a moment as if my life was slipping away through those wooden panels of the floor. I was here yet leaving a world behind; leaving behind people who loved me. They all loved me and with each a differing way and it felt good and bad at the same time. My daughter will not ever be able to comprehend what I’d gotten myself into.

Six weeks ago, I told him that I had to stop seeing him and the tears were flowing and I wanted to end the contract on this but I gave in and by explaining “ it was ok. We’re all human, and I can not make someone stop loving me,” at the time I felt sincere. He’d seemed like time had given him a sense of calm but…. “Why, Vemo?”

Vemo was now kneeling with his head of coily, heavy, and wet locks on my bare chest. The smell of sweat, blood and alcohol reaped. And suddenly there was a crashing and crackling sound. Erik had smashed the empty bottle of Cuevo on Vemo’s skull. Erik quickly retrieved the gun and untied me and wrapped the red throw over me. I remember how soft it felt as he hugged it tight around my pained body, still feeling a slight too nake and afraid. Afraid that Vemo would come to find me back at home. Home was Chicago where I and Vemo met but home was now; Dallas with Alex and Erik.

Alex and I separated, about nine months after the horrific night. She had agreed to have the threesome Erik and I had wished for. She agreed to mostly watch. I thought that was magical. She had taken the lead for once! She cuffed me to the bed and pulled out the smooth dick that felt like skin. Erik made me suck him so hard he came in my mouth like an ocean of love. She encouraged him to lick me from my temples to the soles of my feet as she watched. She screamed out my name each time she came. I thought she loved every bit of it like it was her long-secret fantasy. She released the cuffs to only tie me to the bed but my ankles and wrist. Erik sensed my unease with the ties and whispered in my ear. “ I love you Phoenix Blu. I always have.” Alex rimmed my ass with her tongue to prep me for the punishment she was about to give me. I cried into the pillows and I called for her to stop but she was not hearing. She left by way of a note that was tacked to the bathroom door. Sweet and short. She was gone but the tears I cried were of the newfound freedom; I’d enjoy. Erik loved me with my flaws and all, he never judged me, he trusted that my kinks were not deal breakers for our love. Erik and I connection grew after that night, we almost kissed death.

Vemo was back in jail for possession of narcotics and a violation of parole. I had always wished for him to do better for himself. I remember the many nights we’d just talk, fuck and talk. We’d talk religion to astronomy and his goals for himself; as he had done some good inner work but his doubts and shadows never really faded. As I had to do a lot of inner work to let the guilt go for introducing him into my world of Kinks with no intentions set on love.

My friends still can’t wrap any of how or why I live my life on the edge. They worry about me; especially since Vemo randomly sends letters. He explained everything in his first letter,

“ I thought I would have my wish granted that night, I was excited to see you that night. The thoughts at first were like an adrenaline rush. Tedd the owner had that private room decked out and plush for us. Erik seemed like a cool dude. I never felt a bit of a threat by him. He seemed like a soft lil Fuck Boy until I noticed how he approached you in the room. It was like he was in charge of how things were going to go down. Yeah, I got a lil pissed. You looked in his eyes different than you look at me …..Man, I felt the blood rushing in my veins. You danced for us, I love u in Red and you were looking so sexy. I wanted you so bad. I thought I could share you. But your eyes turned this weird color. Like a fire amber red and I snapped. I asked Erik to step out to the side door to smoke. When he went back inside to get the lighter from his jacket, I dropped a few X’s in his drink. Then it was your turn. I came in and grabbed you to sit in that chair. I went in to give you some head as he watched. I miss licking that pussy. Anyhow, I pushed a few or more than normal a mixture of pills. I wanted you so bad but that lil dude was killing my vibe. I waited until he nodded off. Yeah, funny he busted one watching me please you. You needed more alcohol to get you numb. I knew you well. I tied you up, as you like it. Sadly, your lover missed the whole show. You’d giggled as I used the tip of my blade along your thighs…. I still remember your smile and your giggle. I can’t stop the tears. Phoenix Blu, I love your forevermore, Vemo”

I try to explain that this is just my way and how I was designed. I love and accept me as I am. I believe I was placed here to share love in various ways. I just had to meet the other half of me that understands me to the core of my soul. I still pray for Vemo and Alex and wish both of them well.

Sincerely,

Phoenix Blu