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Blowjobs Suck!

10 breathtaking techniques to make him nut without losing your breath

By Rui AlvesPublished 3 years ago 7 min read
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Blowjobs Suck!
Photo by Jonathan Daniels on Unsplash

There’s no science about giving head; blowjobs suck! Says the guy that has lost count of how many blows he took to the head.

You will get around 20 million hits in about 0,49 seconds if you google “blowjob science.” I will bet that +90% of these so-called “blowjob science” articles are nothing more than bro-science gibberish written by bald men in their forty’s like myself.

Wow! That’s a lot of discussion about something that the average human being can take from soup to nuts in just 3-4 minutes or less, with the best performance outcome lasting from between five to ten seconds.

Let’s stop pretending there’s actual science behind it. Blowjobs are overrated; you suck, twist, take it for a spin, and that’s pretty much it. A friend of mine used to brag and put money on the table, saying how guys couldn’t last 2 minutes with her, and believe me, she never lost a bet.

“Skill is the result of deliberate, consistent practice, and in early-stage practice, quantity and speed trump absolute quality. The faster and more often you practice, the more rapidly you’ll acquire the skill.” — Josh Kaufman

Believe it or not, there was a time when we didn’t have Google search. Back then, to know more about the fine art of sex, I had to revert to the Classics and sneakily borrow a worn-out edition of the Kama Sutra from my uncle’s bookshelves. There’s an entire chapter dedicated to auparishtaka, the art of oral sex.

By Deon Black on Unsplash

The Best Blowjob Ever

However, don’t be disheartened by these findings. Blowjobs have been a cultural misconception for eons. Didn’t you hear the story about the Egyptian god Set, who chopped his brother Osiris into tiny pieces?

Well, legend says he did it! Afterward, their sister and wife to Osiris, the goddess Isis, misplaced Osiris’ manly parts while putting her husband back together. Thus, she had to make ends meet and craft a make-belief god-sized penis out of clay. Finally, to tidy up her work, she performed the best blowjob in the Guinness Book of Records and sucked Osiris back to life. Imagine that!

By Deon Black on Unsplash

Myth-busting: Women Love Blowjobs

Researchers from the University of Toronto, Canada, performed a comprehensive case study on oral sex practices. Their findings shred any so-called scientific article on the internet stating how most women enjoy giving oral sex.

Only a small percentage of women actually enjoy giving blowjobs

Was it good for you too?: An analysis of gender differences in oral sex practices and pleasure ratings among heterosexual Canadian university students

The survey states how from 500 straight college women, nearly 60 percent of them gave oral sex during their last sexual encounter. However, only 28 percent of them classified it as “very pleasurable.” and 17 percent didn’t like the experience at all.

I’m determined to bust the myth that, in general, women enjoy blowjobs and that this sexual practice can improve your general health in any given way.

By Deon Black on Unsplash

From Giving Head to Losing Your Head

In Ancient Rome, giving a blowjob was a disgusting thing. Romans loathed it to the point that they would rather go for anal sex, and believe me, the latter practice was also an abhorred vice back then. If someone were to be caught stealing, they wouldn’t lose a hand; like in the dark ages, they would be forced to deep throat their way back to rightness.

Then came the dark ages, and the good old bacchanalias were a thing of the past. Law enforcement became a serious matter, and giving head evolved to losing your head.

Religious zealots recalled how Onan had sex with Tamar, and out of mischief, he withdrew before his orgasm, “spilling his seed on the ground.” Onan's actions inspired the wrath of God: “what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also.”

Onan’s story also explains the etymology of “onanism,” which is by definition the withdrawal of the penis in sexual intercourse so that ejaculation takes place outside the vagina (also known as coitus interruptus). Later, it became associated with any form of gratification or satisfaction of one’s own needs or desires.

Thus, what the poor guy did was considered a mortal sin, and “wasting one’s seed” also included oral sex. So if someone was caught giving a man a blowjob, it was off with their head.

By MacDonald Almeida on Unsplash

From Giving Head to Blowing his Mind

Now in the 21st century is time to move on from simply giving head and start blowing his mind. That's why I’ve summed up ten 10 head-blowing techniques to drive your partner nuts.

1. Tie him up

Bondage has been drilled into pop culture as a master (male) versus submissive (female). However, the ancient art of shibari originated from Hojo-Jutsu, a method of restraining captives. It later morphed into the erotic art of Kinbaku (“the beauty of tight binding”), goes both ways, and your partner will love surrendering himself to your naught mischiefs.

2. Light spanking

After you have him securely tightened, time to bring on the big guns, let him have a taste of feathers, then move on to a gentle riding crop to get him used to the idea. Afterward, some tapping in the buttocks with a paddle. If he’s fine with it, then you can crank it up with the good old Cat o’ nine tails. From here to actual whips, you should proceed with care and move slowly up the scale.

3. Oil him down

Drip some hot oil on your partner with a massage candle.

4. Footjobs

Oil your feet while he is nicely tied up on the floor and start rubbing him up to life until he is fully awakened to greater things.

5. Role-play

Time to up-scale your game. The mind is the ultimate sexual playing field. Hence, dress up and start playing different roles.

6. Public sex

Talking about mind games. Join the mile-high club or simply go to the park, open his zipper and give him a good wank while feeding the ducks.

7. Teasing

Masturbate in front of him and have him masturbate for you. Playing with him exclusively via visual sensations will surely drive him crazy.

8. Play it in reverse

You know how the good go to heaven, but the bad go everywhere—time to move on through uncharted territory and start taking point to become the dominant counterpart.

9. A-level play

Suppose there’s one thing that dwells in your partner’s mind that’s a-level play. Believe me; this beats any blowjob fantasy. Make sure to use plenty of lube and foreplay and move slowly.

10. Go tantric

Last but not least, orgasm denial inspired by the ancient tantric arts is the antithesis of blowjobs. The latter aims at achieving climax in the fastest way possible, while tantric sex focuses on the long run and not on the immediate outcome. Depriving your partner of that quick climax rush makes it even more intense.

By Deon Black on Unsplash

Final Thoughts

If you are a blow-jobber, please don’t hate me for writing this and keep doing what you love in the utmost pleasurable way possible, don’t let this article dishearten you. Blowjobs are like opinions; we are free to give them whenever we like to whomever we choose.

Thus, blowjobs aren’t a bad thing if you’re having safe sex. However, in modern society, blowjobs are highly overrated. For instance, if you google for a quote about blowjobs, almost everybody will be saying words of appraisal or glorifying the number of nutrients in human sperm.

Saying out loud that blowjobs suck ends up empowering both women and men, and you can quote me on that! — The author

___________________

Thanks for reading this article. Feel free to come back at any time and pick up another thread from my Vocal book of content by clicking here. Small tips and big hearts are highly appreciated. Till next time, cheers. - Rui

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About the Creator

Rui Alves

Hi, I'm Rui Alves, a teacher, army veteran & digital pathfinder. Author, alchemist of sound & Gen-AI artist.

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