Binding Advice: Bondage for Beginners

Bondage is fun.

It's deliciously decadent, as well as sexually fulfilling. It's also become more mainstream thanks to Rhianna, and a certain book / movie about Christian and Anastasia.

If you have any doubts about its popularity, just take a quick look at the UK-based Ann Summers' website; even if you lived to be 100 years old, and tried out one item from the bondage-related range every day for the rest of your life, you'd still not be able to work your way through everything on offer.

However, despite being a staple of modern sexual life, there's a huge amount to consider if you're thinking of introducing bondage into your bedroom.

If you're a novice, here's a list of 6 things to think about:

1. Trust is paramount.

As readers, we devour literary encounters between strangers. In fact, sex with someone you don't know is one of the most common sexual fantasies.

There's an element of risk, of the unknown, that excites us; it's something most of us are unlikely to ever do in real-life - that's why stories such as those, which allow us to vicariously explore that fantasy, intrigue, and titillate us.

However, what's true for fiction isn't necessarily true for the real-world. And, in terms of strangers, it's certainly not true for bondage.

At the heart of bondage is something that seems a paradox: Far from inhibiting you, being restrained actually heightens your other senses. However, before you get to that point, you've got to overcome a hurdle - being tied up renders you more open and vulnerable, both emotionally and physically,

Ultimately, that vulnerability will lead to greater sexual arousal. But, at the outset, it's exposing.

And that's why trust is central.

If you're going to be the one tied up, you're handing over a huge amount of power to the other person. In theory, it's the same for bondage as it is any other BDSM activity: You both have the power - it doesn't matter whether you're the dom or the sub, you should both have the ability to influence where the 'game' leads to, or even stop it entirely if need be.

However, that's the theory: In reality, one of you is bound, and the other isn't.

So, you have to be able to trust the other person. You have to trust that they, like you, share the same goal: Mutual sexual enjoyment. And you can only deduce that if you truly know the person. Sex with strangers might be a common fantasy, but it's no-no when it comes to bondage.

If you have any doubts, if that knowledge of the other person, or the trust, isn't there, then don't do it.

Just don't.

However, just because it's not there at the outset, it doesn't mean it will never be...

2. Talk about it.

Given that some equipment is necessary, bondage is very rarely an entirely spur of the moment thing. It might become so once you've tried it more than once, but it's unlikely to be so the first time.

Before you try it, you've got to talk about it.

Those conversations are the first step is building that greater trust.

How you do so is up to you, and dependent on your relationship.

Perhaps you have a relationship where sex is talked about openly, and freely. In which case, there's nothing wrong with saying, "I'd like you to tie me up."

Or, maybe, there is a bit of hesitancy there - maybe sex is a topic you dance around. Perhaps you've got to lay a trail of breadcrumbs via a series of well-placed hints.

Either approach works.

But, please, broach the topic before one of your raises it in an inopportune moment: If either one of you do have doubts, bringing it up for the first time whilst you are actually having sex is a guaranteed passion-killer.

Explore what you'd like to do, and what the other thinks. If you're thinking of an elaborate hogtie, but your partner has thoughts of simply - and loosely - tying your wrists to the bed-posts, then you're not on the same page. And that's never going to end well.

Talk.

And, if you find it is something you'd both like to take further...

3. Research - it's fun!

It is - research is enjoyable. It’s also arousing - win/win!

'Fifty Shades' is daft. But, it's fun, and - even if you're not into BDSM at all - I would be very surprised if you're not turned on even a tiny bit.

Whether it’s through browsing PornHub or more mainstream fare, research will not only give you the chance to further talk about what you’d both like, it’s also going to give you ideas.

The fact that that study will be enjoyable is an added bonus.

4. Bondage doesn't have to be hardcore; start small.

You don't have to tie each up so tightly that escape is impossible. You don't have to enact a heavily involving scenario: Although role-play can add extra spice to proceedings, it's - most of the time - not even necessary.

You can start by loosely tying your partner's wrists to the bedposts. For the most part, bondage is a game; you don't always have to be inescapably tied - the illusion of being so can be enough.

If you want to indulge in a full-on hogtie later on, do so; it's fun. But, to begin with, especially when you're first trying to navigate these waters, start small. Start gentle.

5. Safety First!

Whatever approach you take, you need a 'safe-word.' If you're going to employ gags, then you'll need a 'safe-signal' as well. Most people simply say 'Stop' - keep it simple.

But, once more, trust is key. You both have to know that as soon as that safe-word is uttered, everything stops. As in, straightaway. No debate. Bondage is supposed to be fun, safe, and liberating - if it's not, then it's time to try something else.

Safety comes first: It's the foundation stone.

6. Use what you've got.

If you want to invest in specialist equipment, do so. You can buy everything online, from soft rope, to hogtie kits - if you've begun exploring this world, and have liked what you've tasted, then knock yourself out.

But, to start with, you've already probably already got everything you need. Scarves are great - they're soft, and we've all probably got them in the home. They'll do. Neckties work as well.

More committed players in the 'scene' like to use hosiery, but beginners need to be careful; they're hard to cut, and dig deep. Not the easiest things to have to negotiate once that safe-word has been uttered.

Again, start small with things that can be undone or cut easily. Six months from now you might have a secret stash of bondage goodies. For now, aim lower, and use what you've got.

Trust; talking; research; start small; safe-words; and scarves - if you employ those then your first steps into this deliciously decadent world will be healthy, fun ones. You might not ever reach 'Fifty Shades of Grey' depravity, or the stage where you're buying something off Ann Summers once a week. But, you will have introduced something fun into the bedroom.

Most of all, you've brought an extra layer of trust into your sexual relationship. And, regardless of where you ultimately end up, that's always good!

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