Best Euphemisms for Sex

When your grandma, minister, or boss is around, some of the best euphemisms for sex might come in handy. We all do it. We all talk about it. But sometimes you just don't want to say it. Or maybe you do but sexual intercourse just sounds so boring. There are way too many euphemisms for sex, and some of them are pretty old and tired, so here are some funny, discreet, and weird phrases that are definitely some of the best euphemisms for sex.

Making the Beast with Two Backs

This one is definitely one of the best euphemisms for sex and has some great class if you consider its English origin in Shakespeare's Othello:

"I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs."

Yeah, that's classy as f*ck. However, when you think about the fact that it refers to two intertwined bodies in the most vanilla sexual position as a sweaty beast with two backs, it loses some of that old English cache. Still, this is a great one to confuse and bewilder your friends, especially if you want something a little more unique for your Desdemona. Keep it classy, Shakespeare.

Taking the Hot Dog Bus to Taco Town

Do I really need to explain this one? I guess it's a little confusing. Why are you taking a hot dog to taco town? I mean is there some cross-cultural hot dog taco dish that I've been missing out on? Regardless of its real-world applications, it's a pretty visually compelling example. The hot dog bus (totally impractical) is going to a town made of tacos, or shaped like a taco. If you haven't figured out where this is going, then you should at least be hungry.

Pop Pop

If you're a fan of Arrested Development, then you probably already consider this one of the best euphemisms for sex. If you're not a fan, then shame on you and allow me to educate you. In the TV series Arrested Development, George Michael calls his grandfather "pop pop." When "pop pop" escapes from jail, George Michael hides him in the attic. When his father suspects he's keeping secrets from him, George Michael tells him that he "has pop pop in the attic" to which his father responds: "The mere fact that you call making love 'pop pop' tells me that you're not ready." No? Maybe you had to be there. Look it up, it's highly inappropriate and turns your euphemism into an inside joke about your favorite TV show. When you're that cool who isn't going to want to have "pop pop" with you?

The Old In-Out In-Out

Here's another one that's pretty self-explanatory. This is one of those euphemisms that serves as an instruction manual. Forget what you're supposed to do? Just give'r the old in-out in-out. It's painfully obvious because it actually comes from the unique jargon of Alex in A Clockwork Orange. If you're going to use a cute euphemism for sex, why not use one that was coined by a violent psychopath? I mean what could go wrong? On second thought you might want to think about this one before relying on it as one of the best euphemisms for sex.

Bumping Uglies

Genitals are ugly, I guess. It really depends on your perspective, but I guess no, you wouldn't want to bring them out at Thanksgiving dinner. Despite all the food euphemisms, genitals really don't make great table conversation pieces. So yeah, bumping uglies, or unmentionables, makes sense. Unlike some of the other terms on this list of the best euphemisms for sex, however, this one is fairly misleading and not very educational. Kids, if you simply bump them together things are not going to turn out like you had hoped. But hey, everyone's first sexual experience is pretty awkward so I guess if you end up bumping uglies there are worse things that could have happened.

Playing Hide the Salami

More food related euphemisms. I'm not sure why you need to hide the salami, but the playing part is about right. Does this really need any explanation? I think it's fairly clear. If you're starting to wonder why so many of the best euphemisms for sex are about food, then what you should really be wondering is why more of them aren't about eating. Yeah, that's right, I said it. We need more euphemisms for sex that involve eating. You understand.

Basting the Turkey

Christmas dinner may never look the same if you really think about this one for too long. The picture is probably going to do most of the work for you. You know that pan with all the Turkey juices and fat? You know how you pull up the juices with a baster and shove them back into the Turkey and over its skin? Yeah, that. And people wonder why there are vegetarians. This one's got it all: a phallic object, a bird, juices, hot sweaty meat. Im going to leave the rest to your imagination and the picture. Enjoy.

Getting Your Jollies Off

This one always reminds me of Santa Claus. Maybe I had a strange childhood, I don't know. Yes, sex is enjoyable, but what is a jolly and how does one get it off? Sex, apparently. So if sex is enjoyable and jolly then shouldn't you be getting your jollies on? I think this one has combined the getting your jollies on with the act of getting off. The lovechild of these two euphemism is of course, getting your jollies off, unquestionably one of the best euphemisms for sex.

Business Time

This is one of the best euphemisms for sex because, unlike many others on this list, it has its own song. Flight of the Conchords made an absolutely hilarious song about sex called "Business Time" that has cemented the phrase, and sex with socks, into the public consciousness. What business would you rather be taking care of? That's what I thought. Put your business socks on boys and girls, it's business time!

Netflix and Chill

This one should be recognizable to anyone under the age of thirty. It took me a little while to catch on to this one and that ended up in some awkward Friday night invitations. How was I supposed to know? This one is really about as euphemistic as you can get. It's definitely one the best euphemisms for sex for this reason. While it's less clear than others it also serves as a fairly good instruction manual, though not for the sex act itself. Netflix? Check. Chill? Something like that. I wonder how much of Netflix's reported viewership is actually watching and maybe not more than a little distracted.

Doing It

What a culture we live in where "it" can mean only one thing! It should, ostensibly, be able to refer to anything, but the fact is we all know what "it" is. Despite how obvious it is, it's still one of the best euphemisms for sex. It is. Not that it, the other one. The euphemism I mean, not the sex. Our language is becoming a bit muddied by this concentration on sex. But it does provide a pretty exceptional short hand. Just do it.

Knocking Boots 

This one's a bit tired, I won't lie. But if you're blue collar, or a cowboy, you might really like the idea of knocking boots. But honestly, how many people fail to take off their boots before getting it on? Is this a serious problem? I hear people complain about socks in bed, I can't imagine how impractical boots would be. Nonetheless, this is one of those visually compelling euphemisms. The boots are knocking against each other, oh god I just got it. Yeah it's like that. Your parents might not even mind this one. Chances are they used it to refer to the act that brought you about.

A Roll in the Hay

Yes, this one isn't fresh, but it certainly has some staying power. I often wonder if people actually often snuck out to the barn to bone or if this is referring to animals doing it in the barn, because where else are they going to do it? Well, the Discovery Channel, yes, but I mean otherwise I imagine a lot of farmers witnessed some traumatizing goat on goat, cow on cow, and horse on horse action in their barns at a very young age. Otherwise, if you're really just sneaking out to the barn to get it on aren't there any better places to go? Hay really isn't all that comfortable. Still, this classic is without a doubt one of the best euphemisms for sex.