BDSM Mentors and Protectors

So I wanted to write this post for those who were curious about what these people did and if they need one or both. I also wanted to write this for my mentee to teach them what I should (and could) do for them. I will be putting in what I know and what others around me know into this post. So let's get started — there's a lot to cover.

Let's start with what a mentor is. A mentor is someone who comes along side someone in their journey to teach them and help kind of train them. The mentor is also a shoulder to cry on. The mentor will be someone you trust and someone who has more experience than you. They will guide you and answer all questions you have. Some people have their mentors help negotiate scenes. Some people even have their mentor vet people for them. A mentor is a friend but not someone you play with or do a power exchange with. Sex will also not be involved in this dynamic. If there is play involved it may be to show you what something feels like or how to do something.

Now if you are a Submissive, a Dom who is not your Dom can show you how things feel. A Dom can also teach a Sub in how certain scenes should go and how to vet people. Switches like me can mentor everyone but different roles mentor other people in their own rules, like a Sub mentors other Subs. Doms and Subs can answer questions for each other. Mentors are more personal than classes because they can answer your questions. It is ok to have more than one mentor because not everyone knows everything.

When it comes to mentoring, the reason why Doms mentor Doms and Subs mentor Subs is because being a Dom is more technical and being a Sub is more mental and emotional. Doms can't relate to stuff like Sub drop or Sub space. I am a switch who is mentoring a Dom. The reason that works is because I have learned both roles well enough to where I can teach the Dom from experience or I know how to get him in contact with the right resources.

A protector is someone who will protect you and is kind like a bouncer. They will help you vet people to make sure you're not involved with the wrong people. They, again, will not be someone you are involved with sexually or romantically. Now a mentor can also protect you; I've had protectors that were also mentors. A Dom can protect Subs, switches can protect Subs and Subs can protect other Subs. Protectors may also be nice to have at events or parties so that they can keep an eye on you and all situations. An online or real life protector can keep an eye on messages and comments or anything else that may come up.

Protector and mentor relationship can end when you feel like you can handle the lifestyle on your own. The relationship can also end because you grow a part. You should end the relationship if it goes into a direction you are not comfortable with or a direction the relationship shouldn't go in.

Protectors and mentors are not a given. There are also people who may not want or need a mentor. I do recommend having one when you are new, it's easier to have one so you can ask questions. Protectors and mentors are helpful because in the BDSM lifestyle people can get hurt and abused.

Protectors and mentors can turn into a relationship but that is not the goal. If the protectors or mentor's relationship turn into something else, then they can still teach you but they will mainly be your partner. A mentor or protector can give you rules but it is mainly stuff like don't play with anyone until I can vet them. Bed times and other Dom-like rules are not the role of a mentor.

So how do you find a mentor or a protector? Events and munches may help you to find one. Also you can go to classes or clubs (or dungeons). Fetlife can help you find events and such but it's not a good place to find a mentor or protector. You can not feel the vibes of a person on line, plus you shouldn't go online to find a mentor anyway. You really need to know someone for them to be your mentor. Some place have mentorship programs, they're usually put on by leather communities.

Remember your mentor or protector is doing this for free out of the goodness of their hearts because they like you and want to help you. If you do have the means a little gift or taking them out for a meal or drinks is a nice gesture. Also if you're not going to listen to them it kind of defeats the purpose of having a mentor. You also can't flake on your mentors, if you flake that shows them you are not taking it seriously. Also check your ego at the door with your mentor, you are learning from them and don't know everything so have respect. It's not a terrible idea to have many classes or mentors you are learning from.

You should also look out for fake mentors and protectors. If a mentor or protector is using your dynamic as a way to get sex, play, nude pictures or anything like they are not a true mentor or protector. If they punish you or want to punish you they are not a mentor or protector. If they say something that seems off do your research or go to legit classes. Fake mentors and protectors will flake on you or never be around when you need them.

If someone offers to be your mentor be skeptical. Ask them why they think you need a mentor and what they can offer you. If you are a Sub and a Dom approaches you to be your mentor be skeptical because Doms may want the mentorship to lead to a relationship.

If you have any questions ([email protected]). I hope this makes sense.