BDSM contracts

So this topic is one that confuses people especially people new to the lifestyle. I want to tell you the basics and what you need to know about contracts.

I have to say this before we get started. One reason that a contract exist is that if someone breaks a rule or does something that isn't agreed to there is proof of what was agreed to. It's not legally binding it's just a reminder, that's why it's written down on actual paper. You can leave if you are being abused or if you are unhappy. It's also a sign of commitment to the relationship and your partner.

What is a contract? Contacts are basically an out line giving a run down of everything you talked about during negotiations plus a few other things as well. Contracts are actually written down or typed up and put on paper for both partners to have. It also is signed and dated by both partners. They are usually done in the beginning of the relationship, basically when you say this is my boyfriend/girlfriend or dom/sub. If you have not done that it's not the end of the world just make sure that it is done.

Now some people would ask for discretion to be a part of the contract. There are two main reasons people will need discretion: jobs or cheating. The job factor I get but usually people don't openly share their kink life with just anyone. But if they need discretion because they are cheating the relationship does not need to go any further.

The contract doesn't have to be written by just one partner. It should be something that is written by both partners together. Some people think that it's written by the dom and presented to the sub. If that happens the submissive should leave. It should be about both partners not just one so if one partner writes the contract it will be all about them. Have the conversation about what you in the contract so that both partners are happy. This conversation should not get heated nor should it be dom vs sub.

I will say when it comes to contracts each relationship is different. A lot of people put expectations, what your dynamic will look like, titles, rules, punishments, rewards, limits (hard and soft), boundaries, whether or not you're poly or monogamous, and safe words. You could also put what each person is responsible for then you can include that too. There are some people who have a one page contract and there's some people who have a 12 page contracts.

So one thing that the contract should include is if this contract is going to last a few months or until there's a break up. You could also put a thing in the contract about it being over if someone cheats. In my last contract we said that the contract will last until we break up or there's cheating/deception. Now if it is contract that will last a few months you can always extend it and/or revise it. The main reason someone would do a contract that will last a few months is because it was a trial run. Both partners should be able to end the relationship or contract whenever they feel like it. It's just like any other relationship. If the dom wants to be the only one who can end it, that's a red flag.

When I say that a contract should includes what the relationship looks like there's several things you could put in this section. You could include will you be 24/7, weekends only, no rights/consent and that sort of thing. It also means what does this kind of relationship look like to you. For example if you are master/ slave what does a master slave relationship look like to you. Some people think 24/7 means you live together but you can do 24/7 without living together. It could be just as simple as the dom texting the sub at night saying "don't wear panties to work tomorrow." A dom can be a dom through text.

You can put expectations and goals. Do you want your dom to help with a goal? Put that in the contract. Expectations could be about the relationship or your partner.

When it comes to monogamy and polyamory you should talk about what that means to you. Do you mean sexually monogamous or monogamous over all? Do you want to be in a relationship with each other but have play buddies? Does poly mean you have a bunch of different relationships or a tripod situation? If you are going to see other people what are the limits? Are the people going to be with both of you?

Some people even put "obey without hesitation" under the expectations or what they want the relationship to look like portion of the contract. You don't do this off the bat. Of course there may be things that the submissive isn't able to do. There will be times when the submissive is tired or doesn't feel well and the dom has to respect that. Obeying without hesitation does not mean that the dom can ask the submissive to do something that is a hard or soft limit.

You should put the exemptions to what the dom can not control. This can include your relationship with your family or friends and your professional life. It doesn't make you a bad sub if you have things or parts of your life that your dom can not control. This just setting up a boundary.

There's some doms who will put a "be sexually available at all times" clause in the contract. This is basic and means what it sounds like. Of course the dom should understand that there are times when you can't or may not be in the mood. You should discuss this clause and figure out what happens if the sub is unavailable, sick or just not in the mood,

There could also be restrictions on masterbation, eye contact and speaking. Of course you will have to talk about moments where speaking and eye contact restrictions can be broken. These maybe a part of discipline or the dom may just not want the sub to masterbate or talk to other people. There's some people who think it's fun for there sub not to be able to look them in the eye during a play scene.

Do you need to discipline? Most BDSM relationship have some kind of discipline in place. Don't set it up if you aren't going to follow up with it or you don't have time to punish your sub. You can also put rewards.

Bed times could be enforced in the contract. Usually this is a thing that the sub could ask for because they stay up too late then are tired for work. Bed times could be put into place by the dom for any reason.

Food and exercise is one thing that should not be in the contract unless it is the idea of the submissive. Some submissives may struggle with body confidence issues or even eating disorders. I would say it would be safer to avoid this unless it is something brought up by a doctor or the sub.

Clothes and appearance can be for doms who like micromanage. There are other doms who may mention preferences or may like veto power when it comes to this area. A lot of male doms prefer skirts/dresses with no panties. Body hair may also be into this.

Personal safety clauses are something I have heard a lot about. It maybe something as simple as please text me when you leave work or call me when you get there. It could also be something to the affect of if the submissive is going to go out drinking they have to use uber or the submissive can't go somewhere alone at night.

It can be rewritten, revisited and revised. I think some people can be ok with it something set in stone and it doesn't have to be. The contract should be revisited every 3 to 6 months but if you are too busy for that pick a schedule that works for the both of us. There maybe some expectations that you can live up to.

Don't be vague in how you word things. Define everything like monogamy and different acts. Also if your partner doesn't understand something explain it to them. Newbies may not know a lot of things. Do not force anyone to do things they don't want to do. If your partner wants to try something you're into don't be hurt if they don't like it.

I hope this makes sense. I tried to put as much information as possible. Share this with your kinky friends.