Ask a Submissive Vol. 4
Alrighty, folks. Let’s do the most FREQUENTLY Googled questions about BDSM culture and relationships. Because why not, and because I really don’t feel like I’ve been able to cover all the basics with you yet—may as well use the internet to my advantage!
Again if you have any questions that need answering, articles that need referencing, or you just want to connect and keep updated, I will be posting most frequently on my Twitter @SubSaysHello
And awwwway we go!
1. What does BDSM stand for?
Alright, here’s your long answer so I only have to do this once. There’s a few ways to crack this one apart—it’s really an abbreviation of Bondage and Dominance (BD), Dominance and submission (DS) and Sadism/Masochism (SM).
Now, what do those terms mean?
- Bondage can be defined as using some kind of tool or implement to physically restrain or cause someone to not move in a scene or without one (or for fun, because ya’know… that’s my life).
- Dominance obviously means that someone has the ‘upper hand’ or they hold a higher power status than that of a submissive. There are many types of D/s relationships, so much that I have some plans for future articles just surrounding the different forms of interactions like Master/slave, Mistress/slave, Caregiver/little, Daddies, Mommies, Cuckholds, Poly Families, Kink Families… and so so so many more.
- Sadists are those who receive pleasure from causing someone else pain, and masochists are those that receive pleasure from having the pain inflicted onto them.
Pretty straight forward, but of course all these terms are subjective to your relative BDSM experiences. Leeeeet’s continue.
2. What exactly does it mean to be a Dominant person?
So as I touched on briefly, Dominant People have a perceived higher power status than that of submissive people. I plan on writing an extensive article explaining how to find a Dominant in public, or how They tend to carry Themselves in a room full of people—it’s amazing psychology really, and something I super enjoy reading about.
Briefly speaking (for the purpose of this article), Dominants are those who submissives revere, look up to, listen to and can agree to form relationships with. True, like 100%, Dominants don’t switch from Dominant to submissive, however I have met very many scary switches in my lifetime.
They commendeer a room. If you’re submissive, you’ll find yourself unable to look Them in the eye, you’ll make yourself smaller than Them, you may find your hands being placed behind your back instead of crossed infront of you… the list goes on. Anything to show reverence or make yourself smaller.
3. Is BDSM expensive?
I mean, how ‘into it’ are we talkin’ here? I had a Mistress who obtained almost all of Her toys from the dollar store and thrift stores—it just takes some creativity and know-how to do this on a budget. Generally speaking for things like cuffs, collars, rope, some implements, it’s MUCH better to have a good grasp on the quality of the items to ensure safety.
okay... sidenote. dog toys hurt people, and belts can be folded and taped.
Floggers are a good example. You can technically go bunch together a bunch of chain or pericord from your local hardware store and hit someone with it, but some D-types find that the professionally made floggers are well worth the $50 (and often, you’re supporting local businesses, too! Hit me up if you need someone in your area that makes stuff.)
Coming from experience here, I have broken a cheap cuff, chain, rope, tape, frayed a collar seam, broken two canes and three paddles. If you spend more, does it mean that you won’t break anything? Yeah no, that’s not how that works.
4. Will I hurt my partner?
Welp, talking about this one first with your partner should be a given. Not to continue to preach about consent, but it’s truly the most IMPORTANT thing. Something that a lot of Dominants look over is actually playing with the toy that intends the ‘hurt’ on their own arm or leg just to correctly gauge the amount of force behind the blow that attributes to how much pain it gives. I’ve personally had some D-types that have played with a new item on me without even giving much thought to how it would feel. (Especially candles… if it’s your first time making them, you might want to make sure it’s done correctly… I opted out of that one in a millisecond).
I recommend looking up “RACK” or Risk-Aware-Consensual-Kink, and “SCC” Safe-Sane and Consensual. They’re both frequently used acronyms in our community.
5. Doesn’t it make me abnormal to like this kind of stuff?
Duh. Jeez. Why would you have it any other way?
These days, it’s more abnormal to be 100% normal anyways. Why not have a little fun? Find your like-minded people and go to town!
6. What if I can’t orgasm during a scene?
Then you can’t. TRUST ME I really wish I could just orgasm on command, but that’s not how the human body works. Learning your partner and taking the time to really understand what makes their body move and the specific spots that they like to be touched really helps with the sensuality of the scene. This being said, it’s between your play dynamic and the expectations set of you whether or not you even play sexually—this is an OPTION, and sex doesn’t HAVE to always be a part of kink.
7. Do you always have to have threesomes, or group sex?
One more timmmmmme—sex doesn’t have to be part of kink. I've known a few very amazing relationships that were just based in power play and impact or occasional play sessions without sex. Lots of people aren’t comfortable with having more than one sexual partner at a time, let alone having multiple people in your bed per session.
If your S/O or D-type or even submissive makes this a requirement of you, and you are uncomfortable, I really urge you to double think what expectations that they have of you, and whether or not it’s healthy.
8. Aren't kink parties just a bunch of people having sex?
I freakin LOVE kink parties. So many amazing people to say hello to. There are so many safe play parties that are sex-free for people to explore, and normally that just looks like a bunch of different scenes going on with different implements of BDSM like fire play, electro play, impact, needle sometimes, caging and confinement, etc. If you don’t like it, just look away!
There are some parties that are sex-friendly, or pro-sex, that you can attend if that’s something that you’d rather be involved with. That being said, it should again never be a requirement of you. Voyeurs often have fun here ;)
9. Is humiliation a big part of BDSM for a submissive?
I cannot WAIT for the article to come explaining humiliation. It’s a super cool kink that’s actually quite popular, but again by no means necessary to a kink relationship. Again, totally up to the discretion of you and your partners.
Just for a very vanilla-like taste, imagine your D-type calls you “His dirty little slut” during sex, or whispers, “you’re so weak, little girl, look at you shaking for Me” in the middle of a scene. Like COME ON, HOW HOT.
Humiliation can get pretty hefty, but again I’ll touch on that one in the next article.
10. Don’t you want to have kids one day?
Yep. You can have both, you know. It’s not as uncommon as you think, especially since most of the population has one kind of kink or another. Their your kids, and they’ll see whatever you let them see. Hiding things and leading a secret kinky life is also technically a kink, you know ;)
As always, spank you for reading. Contact me anytime on twitter @SubSaysHello and I'll respond within 24 hours, especially if you have questions for Volume 5-10, want something explained or have an idea for an article.
Until next time!