And on the 8th Day God Said, Send Nudes X
Why I started taking nudes (for myself!)
Just like Body confidence, sexual confidence isn't all about feeling sexy, but sometimes it is.
It was something a friend suggested to me, something which at the time sounded a little strange, a little risky to my 19 years old, super self-conscious, unreasonably nervous brain. It was one of those nights, her boyfriend had passed out on the sofa and we'd moved from the living room to the bedroom with our wine and our cigarettes to cocoon ourselves in her quilt and talk about the S word. Shagging.
Despite our type and relationships being wildly different, me and my best friend shared one pivotal thing in common. We lacked the confidence to tell our partners what we wanted. We didn't feel like we could be sexy—we didn't feel sexy full stop.
I felt fat and she felt ugly. I felt naive and she felt demanding. I was self-conscious and she said that no one would ever look at her and think of doing all the things she wanted them to do. Neither of us saw ourselves as sexy, and I had resigned myself to the idea that that would probably never change.
My friend however, had other ideas.
"Have you ever taken nudes?" she asked, a small smile on her lips because she knew me well enough to know my answer, "not to send to anyone else like, but just to look at yourself..."
"Why would I want to look at my own nudes?" I asked her, not realising that my answer to her question was part of the reason why I didn't see myself as sexy. I'd just never seen myself sexy.
"It makes you feel fucking good... you gotta learn to turn yourself on," she shrugged her shoulders, taking her phone out to show me hers. "It's not exactly revolutionary but it helps..."
And she was right. And now whenever I'm alone, when I catch my reflection in the mirror and the lighting is right, I close the curtains, I set up my camera and I strip for myself.
It's my eyes lingering on the gentle slopes of my body as I twist and writhe for the camera, the lights down low, my legs spread apart, demur, doped up eyes gazing down the lens, those kind of touch me eyes, those kind of fuck me eyes that work every time.
I used to be conservative about it, a couple of edgy, artsy, blue lit tit pics, back arched, expression like a renaissance angel. There was an innocence there, but no longer.
As my confidence has grown my style has, I suppose you could say, developed.
No longer satisfied to bathe myself in the warm glow of evening light and admire my nipples from a meter or so away, I began to get adventurous, began to get a little risqué. Nothing dramatic at first, legs hugged to my chest, the curve of my milky thighs and then, a first glance at my pussy peaking out. A little tease of more to come.
Perhaps it was the knowledge that no one else would ever see them that made it so easy to take those first steps, perhaps it was the secretive nature of my hours spent in lewd positions which heightened the allure of the idea.
With every new set of nudes, my self esteem grew, and I quickly learned that despite my original thoughts, and despite the trauma of my past, I could be sexy. I could be more than sexy, I could be fucking hot. Under a certain light I was a fucking goddess. It made it easier to believe my boyfriend when he murmured those kind of sentiments in my ear. Made it easier to sink down on his erection with my back arched, made it easier to tip my head back and enjoy myself instead of worrying about what he could see from where he lay back on the bed.
Now I don't just take nudes. I take videos. I am my own cam girl. I practice little routines and undress for myself on film. I take long slow squats for my camera, eye myself up as my fingers trail my thighs and rub at my panties in small circles. I let my hands wander and I watch it back, enjoying how sexy I can be. It makes me feel powerful and perhaps a little smug, because I can make myself wet, I can turn myself on, so much quicker than any man has ever been able to.
And that's the first step to regaining sexual confidence.
You've got to learn to turn yourself on.