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All men beware!!! 8 items you should never masturbate with.

by Omara 7 months ago in satire
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Masturbating with objects? Since American Pie, a warm apple pie turns on many a man’s head cinema. I show you the 8 most painful penis traps

A steaming apple pie definitely belongs to the soft category of misappropriated things that can be used for masturbation. It is said that guys who like to experiment try vibrating console controllers, kitchen utensils and garden tools. I’ve tracked down the worst penis traps for you and tracked down men who have made painful acquaintances with them. Not suitable for imitation!

Trap 1: Penis in the plastic water bottle.

Have you ever wondered if your penis would fit in the opening of that PET bottle there on your desk? Apparently, a man in the UK has. He tried it out and promptly made the news. As the British newspaper The Sun reported, the man had to call the fire department, which eventually freed his best piece from the predicament. The Briton is not an isolated case with his sex accident. The article says that the spicy rescue operations have cost the British taxpayers the equivalent of almost 970000 euros over the past 5 years.

In another case, doctors had to amputate the penis of a 50-year-old from Honduras because he had misused a bottle as a sex toy for 4 whole days. This was reported by the New Zealand Herald newspaper. What happens when the penis is stuck in a plastic bottle for 4 days? It turns black and decays because the cells stop working. Doctors call this “necrosis”.

Penis trap 2: a steel pipe.

“I’m stuck in a pipe!” That’s how a 40-year-old Brit must have called 911. I wonder if the helpers already knew at this point that he didn’t mean a finger, but his penis? The man had inserted his member into a steel tube and could not get it out again. The paramedics’ hands were tied at first because an enormous erection had developed due to the backed-up blood flow. Thanks to the work of 7 brave firefighters with a metal grinder, the man was freed 30 minutes later.

Trap 3: Penis in the vacuum cleaner

Admittedly, vacuuming sounds good in principle. But believe us, no woman in the world sucks with the intensity of a modern vacuum cleaner. An attempt to repurpose that household appliance as a sex toy can end badly. The popularity of the onanism experiment is shown by the fact that there is a dissertation from the Technical University of Munich from 1978 about penis injuries during masturbation with vacuum cleaners. The author examined cases of patients who had inserted the penis into the suction nozzle of the vacuum cleaner in order to be sexually stimulated by air flow. In the process, they had come into contact with the rotating fan of the device and sustained laceration-crush injuries. Among experts, the injury is called “Kobold’s disease” because it occurred with devices of the “Kobolds” model of the Vorwerk brand. Although the manufacturer subsequently changed the design, the vacuum cleaner is still not a suitable masturbation device.

Trap 4: Tail in a roll of tape

Bored at your desk? Well, such a roll of tape also looks confusingly similar to a cock ring. That can give you some crazy ideas. The Internet magazine “The Daily Dot” reported the embarrassing story of a man who asked for help in an online forum because his penis was stuck in a roll of tape. He wrote that he had been having an erection for 20 minutes and could not pull the ring off. Advice to hold the penis under cold water only made things worse. It is not known whether he finally listened to a user of the forum who had advised him to dial 110.

Penis trap 5: the wedding ring

A wedding ring is known to be a symbol of eternal commitment. But a South African man certainly didn’t imagine it would be like this last year. The 28-year-old had allegedly listened to his buddies when he put his wedding ring over his penis. Stupidly run: The ring just wouldn’t come off — even soap and oil didn’t help. When he arrived at the hospital, the penis was already blue and swollen. The doctors were only able to remove the ring when they were able to reduce the blood flow by injecting it into the penis.

Penis trap 6: a park bench

Really true: In Hong Kong, more than a dozen firefighters were busy for several hours rescuing a 41-year-old man’s penis from the crack of a metal park bench. This was reported by the Daily Telegraph. Due to the erection, the helpers were unable to free the penis from the crack in the normal way. They cut out part of the bench and took the man to the hospital. There, several more hours were needed to free the member from the metal. The Chinese man was lucky: just one hour longer stuck, it would have cost him his penis. As a reason for the accident, the man explained: He thought it would be nice to have sex with a park bench. Well, thought wrong!

Item 7: Penis in fruit, vegetables & pasta sauce in a jar.

An apple pie is far from the only food item being misappropriated for masturbation. The Telegraph newspaper reported: In Australia, patrol officers recently subjected a 46-year-old man to a crowd control when he parked his car in a no-parking zone. The officers initially suspected that the man was carrying a gun because he shook his crotch suspiciously and then fled in the car. When the cops finally managed to stop him after 20 minutes and approached armed with mace, they realized the man’s member was hanging out in a 750-milliliter jar of pasta sauce. Remember: sex in jars and on wheels — better not!

Foods recommended for low-budget masturbation include various fruits and vegetables. A popular suggestion as a DIY masturbator is a watermelon or honeydew melon. Instructions say: cut a hole in the skin, heat the melon in the microwave, smear oil or Vaseline in the hole, and the melon pussy is ready. It’s quite clear that something can go wrong with these self-made constructions. In forums, men report burns on the penis, testicles and hands because they had heated the melon too long in the microwave. Others have suffered injuries from the sharp-edged rind. Vegan masturbation for beginners: och nö!

Trap 8: Tail in the toaster

Firefighters already see a lot of smut on a daily basis. As the “Huffington Post” reported, firefighters had to free a man’s penis from a toaster in London in 2013. The helpers call the operation an incident of the “Fifty Shades of Grey effect.” The reason: the number of sex accidents involving household appliances or handcuffs has increased significantly since the publication of the erotic trilogy of the same name.

Conclusion: rather sex toys than experiments

Most of the accidents mentioned could have been prevented with a little sense. For all the joy of experimentation: you simply shouldn’t stick your penis and nose into things from which they’re obviously not going to come out again. Instead of going to the emergency room to find embarrassing excuses, we’d rather invest in tried and tested sex toys (there are great masturbators!) or simply use our hands to masturbate in a very oldschool way!

satire

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Omara

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