A List of Love

Having the better attorney, she was $20,000 richer. So, time to take a sabbatical from work and relax and do some things she never had time to do. Like really look at her life.

At the tender age of 40, now newly divorced, it was time. Everyone said she should start dating. But who? Who was she supposed to date? Was she to open her little black book and just start calling? Did she even have a little black book leftover from her dating days? Being the organized type, she had kept all her yearly pocket calendars. They really didn’t have much in them except notations of dates she had, tracking her period, and anything exciting that may have happened on a particular day. It really was a lazy girl’s diary. A brief history of men, and not much else.

What happens to men once they hit 40? Like an old episode of “This is your Life” old boyfriends, almost sensing she was recently divorced, were reaching out all over the place. Facebook, emails, texts, actual phone calls. Just to say “hi” or “I was thinking of you the other day”. Really, and how is your wife? she thought! Why are they calling? Is this what a man does for a mid-life crisis? She thought those happened in your 50s when you purchase a red sports car, etc. She needed to do her own review and make a list. She loved lists.

To make it special she purchased a beautiful black notebook. The kind with the super soft cover that you just want to pet. And she got started. Thinking about old movies and men and their little black books with their “rating” systems, she devised her own. Rating all past men in her life and asking important questions about why this guy? And what did I like about him? What did I not like about him? In reviewing past loves, and duds, maybe she could learn what she needed and wanted in man for now, now that she was starting over.

So, she made a list of questions and observances and applied them to each man. 1. How did they meet? 2. Was it love at first sight? 3.What was his best quality? 4. What was his worse quality? 5. How did he kiss? 6. How was the sex? 7. Why did we break up? 8. How badly did it hurt? 9. Would you do it over again? 10. Would you give him a second chance?

Besides the calendars, there were memories. She really dug back in order to not miss anyone. The best way to learn about yourself is to see how you are with others. So, number 1 on the love list – Drew. She was 5 and he was a much older man of 9. Lived 2 doors down. He was SO cute. But he never looked her way since she was always too young. Even in high school, he was in college and she was still too young. So only 3 questions could be answered. 1. Met on the sidewalk. 2. Yes! 3. Cuteness, and actually a very nice guy. Couldn’t answer any of the other questions. Well, maybe a second chance, but he was married to a girl she went to high school with! Too young no more!

She then went to the first boy she kissed – Ben. Good kisser for a 7th grader, but after that no dating or anything. How do you date when you can’t drive or have any money? But they did hang out for a summer and then that was that. #8 – it hurt a lot. #10. No, not really.

Then there were several high school boyfriends. Some serious, some fun. One very painful. The real first boyfriend – Mike. 1. Met at a party. 2. Not love, but he was really cute. 3. Cute, smart, beautiful green eyes. 4. No worse quality, except that he broke up with her after he was at college. 5. Great kisser. You know those high school parties where everyone is just making out (NO sex) for hours. Yes, such a good kisser. 6. No sex, it was high school. 7. He went to college and became to sophisticated for her then. Wrote a letter telling her about “inclement weather” then mansplained inclement. And yes, he’s a lawyer now. 8. How badly did it hurt? Does crying for 3 days straight count? Does having an ache in your entire body for 3 days count? Does lying in bed for 3 days count? Oh it was bad. Never again to hurt like that bad. Except when she got divorced. 9. No, learned later he had no great sense of humor and that’s important. 10. Nope, no reason to bother. But the lesson she learned, never give 100% You have to keep some for yourself or the pain is unbearable.

She added a few more names, college boyfriends, casual dates, top sex partners, her recent husband. That was true soul crushing pain, to divorce someone you loved, who loved you, but love just wasn’t’ enough to overcome the problems.

And then there was Vince. Late 20s, before the marriage. 1. At his brother’s party. One of the few guys who actually knew how to dance. They were Fred and Ginger – dancing all over the living room, even up onto couches and tables like they had rehearsed some choreography. But it was just her following his very strong lead. You know what they say, how a man moves vertically tells you a lot about how he can move horizontally! 2. Not love at first sight, but intrigue, attraction, passion, excitement. 3. So many bests! Super smart, cute, funny as hell, great dancer, great conversationalist, interested in what she had to say, asked lots of questions. 4. Worse quality – as she found out later, fear. 5. Oh, kissing was WONDERFUL!! 6. Top 10 – does having a 32 hour long first date tell you something? 7. Why no third date? Fear. 8. Hurt like hell! 9. Yes, if not for the dancing, then definitely for the sex! 10. YES.

So, she finished her list and reviewed her loves. Except for her ex-husband, which could not be given a second chance, only one name stayed in her mind. Vince. Remembering their time together seemed like some sort of romantic movie. After meeting at the party and dancing all night, he was such a gentleman and asked for her number and called her within 3 days to set up a date. He picked her up, took her to dinner and the conversation never stopped. They talked about everything, laughed about everything – got to love a man with a great sense of humor. Then after being the last ones in the restaurant, went back to his place. And talked for 4 more hours. 1 in the morning, too tired to drive, but so excited to be with someone of the same mind, went to bed. And the sex was as great as the conversation. But interestingly, he was more impressed with the sex than she was. No one ever did that like she did. Really, who the heck are you dating? This isn’t even my best work! Slept a while, had another lovely round, and finished in the shower. Again, how are you in your 30s and never had sex in a shower?

But after a milder second date, no more dates. Seems all the boring sex he was having was with his ex-fiancé, but she was creeping back into the picture. He felt he owed the ex a second chance and couldn’t see her anymore. But did you not experience the same life-changing two dates that she just had? Yes, he did! And that’s why he couldn’t see her anymore. She didn’t fit that elite private school mold. You know, rich parents, the country club set, Ivy league graduate, bad at sex, but a great portfolio. Wanted to stick with what he knew. Reminded her of that episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie realizes she’s a Katie girl from The Way We Were. He wanted what he knew was safe, not what he knew he wanted.

But that was almost 15 years ago. A quick Google and Facebook search shows he’s still around, but now divorced. And spending time between Chicago and London. A quick call to an ex-lover/ex-policeman, now private detective she made sure he wasn’t a criminal or crazy and found out both addresses.

What a better way to spend that $20,000 than to vacation in London in January and call an old friend for dinner.