A Gal’s Guide to Commanding Pleasure During Sex

Consent is sexy. That’s an unequivocal truth, and I’m thrilled to witness more women not only finding their voices in regard to sexual consent, but also feeling worthy of using their voices, worthy of being heard.

And what happens after consent? Once we’ve given the go-ahead, and all parties involved have agreed that some passionate lovemaking is about to go down?

I’d love to see more women become just as comfortable and feel just as worthy to command sexual pleasure as they do talking about consent.

By command, I don’t mean ordering a man around with a riding crop and dominating him sexually. (Unless, of course, that’s your jam and it’s been agreed to beforehand — then go for it!) I’m referring to women empowering themselves to express how they want to be pleasured — without feeling selfish or slutty or like they’re expecting too much — or any other hangups that society might attach to it.

I want every woman to feel worthy of exercising direct authority over her own body during sex with a partner. To give crystal-clear requests of what she wants in the heat of the moment, whether it’s with a first-time lover or a long-term partner.

I have sex for the orgasms, just like he does

This orgasm gap business? This expectation that sex is just as pleasurable if he has an orgasm and I don’t? Nothing about that view appeals to me.

When I have sex, I LOVE to come. And I love to come more than once. No, it’s not the end of the world if I don’t have an orgasm. Shit happens. We get too stressed, or too drunk, or too tired, or we get in our head too much. But really, sex ending in both parties climaxing and feeling extremely fulfilled sounds like the best way to go.

It’s kind of the main reason my partner and I have sex nowadays, if I’m being honest. When you’ve been with someone for ten years, it’s not so much about bonding anymore. Yes, intimacy and connection is healthy and necessary, but we can also get that snuggled up on the couch together, talking about our day in between a couple well-deserved episodes of Mindhunter.

If we’re going to fuck, it’s because we’re both horny and want to come.

Both of us.

To make this happen, it takes good communication. And good listening skills. Especially if you’re with a new lover.

Feeling bold enough to speak out loud about what you want a partner to do or not do to your body in the heat of the moment can take work. For some of us, like me, it doesn’t come naturally. It takes a lot of effort and overcoming fear of awkwardness.

But, like with so many things, practice goes a long way. I got to a point where I was comfortable enough expressing what I wanted, and it made sex super fun and satisfying.

If I want my nipples played with, I’m no longer afraid to say, “Play with my nipples.” Or pinch or lick or suck or flick, or clamp, or maybe a bit of everything.

And sometimes, when I’m in the mood for a little battery-operated assistance during sex, I let it be known. I’ll pull out a vibrator or ask him to do so. I’ll ask him to put it on my nipples, inside my vagina, against my clit, etc.

Yes, oral sex feels wonderful. Hands do too. But sometimes I’m in the mood for the automatic, multi-orgasmic capabilities a good vibrator provides while I’m being pounded.

He can’t read my mind, so I tell him what I want

Last night I allowed myself to relax with three bottles of delicious IPA over the course of a couple hours. It’s not my typical behavior when I have to work early the next morning, but it’s been a pretty eventful week.

Being slightly buzzed typically makes me more-than-slightly horny. So I go into the bedroom and walk right up to my partner’s side of the bed, ready to share the sudden urge for sex that’s just hit me as I was shutting down the living room.

Before I get a word out, he says, “You’re being all sexy.”

“Ha! Right!”

“You know you are.”

I have to laugh, because I’m in my ratty gray tank top with several rips near the armpit and a pair of old purple cotton panties. Clearly, he’s seen the intent in my eyes and is blind to my less-than-sexy bedtime ensemble.

I ask, “Do you want to have sex? If not, I’m going to take my new toy to the bathtub and wind down.”

I’m referring to my latest purchase on Amazon. Even though we enjoy going shopping at the sex store every now and then, I still like a good deal. I recently ordered a very small, very reasonably priced, very powerful bullet vibrator that we’d yet to try out, and I was done waiting.

When it arrived the week before, I charged it and turned it on, surprised to find that it jumped right out of my hand. The thing packs some serious punch in a tiny, USB-rechargeable package. I suspect it could make me come through my jeans — but I was ready to play with it naked.

At this point of the night, it’s pretty late. We both work early. I’m trying to be considerate and not just jump his bones, since he’s already gone to bed and is trying to sleep. Even so, he decides to take me up on the sex.

We kiss deeply as I straddle him and dry-hump him with my underwear still on for a few moments. While I slip his cock out of his briefs and start slowly bobbing my mouth up and down on it, making it slippery with my saliva, he pulls my underwear off. It’s easy enough to do while I’m sucking him, because I’m on all fours, bent over his cock with my ass toward his face.

He places the smooth, rounded tip of the buzzing metal lightly against my clit. The thing is tiny yet mighty, so I’m already well on my way to orgasm only moments after contact. I arch my back, pushing myself into his hand.

I stop giving him head and lie down. “Fuck me,” I say. “Get on top of me and fuck me — please.”

I’m pulling at his shoulders, conveying my urgency as I speak. I’ve successfully communicated that I need him inside of me now, and he kindly obliges, hovering over top of me and sliding his hard cock into me easily.

He places a hand on either side of me, holding his chest up as he fucks me, and I place the three-inch mini-vibe between us. It’s nearly hidden, resting on my clit without any added pressure from my own hand — I don’t need to add any. It’s quiet. And it feels like pure ecstasy when combined with his steady, grinding thrusts.

He’s not pulling out very far as he thrusts — it’s a close-contact pumping motion. I wrap my arms around him and hug him to me as I meet each of his thrusts with my hips, and the vibe stays put between us, right where it needs to be. I feel his shoulders and upper arms with my hands. They’re one of his many attributes that physically turns me on, especially when he’s holding his weight above me, his strong muscles flexed so that I can glide my palms over their curves.

“Play with my breasts,” I plead. I let go of his shoulders and grab one of his hands, bringing it to my breast. “My nipples.”

He pinches one of my nipples as he lowers his head to suck on the other. I moan into his neck as we continue thrusting.

With all that going on, I come in about two minutes. I ask him to stay inside me, to keep going. I know I have more distance to go, and it’s very much thanks to our new toy — combined with his deep, hypnotic thrusts stimulating my G-spot. A few short minutes later, my inner walls clench around his cock a second time.

I stop moving as the intense waves ripple through me. He thrusts a few more times, extending the pleasure even longer. As we catch our breath, he pulls out and lies on his back.

I turn over and place the bullet gently against the head of his cock. At the same time, I glide my tongue up and down his shaft.

“Fuck,” he says. In this case, I can hear in his voice that fuck is most definitely a positive affirmation. Fuck translates to, Yes, keep doing that.

See? I have good listening skills, and I know how to read the room. With his guttural moan and his hips lifting to press the head of his cock harder against the vibrator, I know he’s getting close. I lick the very tip of his cock, keeping the vibrator on the ridge of the head and using my hand to pump up and down his shaft. I roll the small toy around, my lips vibrating with it as I suck on him.

It takes him a bit longer than me, but he soon tenses every muscle in his body and then comes in my mouth.

We’ve had a very successful couple’s communication session, it would seem.

Everyone should feel comfortable saying what they want — and don’t want — during sex

I love that I have this go-get-em attitude when it comes to having a good time in bed. I appreciate that I’ve become confident enough in pursuing my own pleasure that I’m able to say what I want, when I want.

It took a lot of effort and a lot of practice, and now, in my early thirties, I have zero qualms about it. I give zero fucks when it comes to communicating how I want to fuck, and that takes confidence. That confidence didn’t just show up out of the blue — and, being the late bloomer I was, it was noticeably absent in my twenties.

I realize that maybe not every woman feels so comfortable with her sexual communication, whether she’s in her twenties or sixties or beyond, but every woman deserves to get whatever pleasure she wants in bed, without feeling embarrassed by what she likes or how she likes it.

Just as important is being able to say what you don’t want. If your partner’s eating your pussy like a champ but it’s just not striking the right chords, there’s no sense in making him keep going without telling him he needs to change things up.

And if he tries anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or turned off or unintentionally hurts you, definitely speak up right then and there.

If any man takes issue with a woman who knows how to use her voice in bed, whether it’s to stop something she doesn’t like or to instruct him in ways that he could better help her reach a glorious climax, then that ego is really going to limit his talent as a lover, sadly.

If you’ve never openly said what you wanted to your partner during sex, I highly recommend you give it a try. Once you start getting those words out, you can open a whole new world for both of you.

I want to get pleasure, but I want to give it too

I’m an equal-opportunity pleasure enthusiast. I do want my toe-curling, sheet-thrashing, mind-blowing orgasms during sex — that’s why I’m having the sex — but I want to make him feel just as good. There’s room enough for everyone — we all get an orgasm! If one person needs more time than the other, then both partners need to be okay with that. Unless, maybe, there’s some sort of risky time constraint, like finishing before you get caught…wherever — that’s a whole different thrill. But some of the best sex is the kind of sex where you can take all the time you need, regardless of whether you come before your partner, after, or together. It’s all beautiful.

And while I love being able to express myself, I will mention my own personal exception. I’m big into sexual submission, with my partner dominating me. This is, of course, a personal preference. Sometimes when I’m in that kinky mood, being tied and gagged and having him be in control of every moment gets me so hot that it enhances my pleasure and helps me climax.

That’s a different article entirely, but I say this to point out that sexual communication is not going to look the same for everyone.

Maybe you’re submissive and your partner is dominant, and the things that take place during sex have been agreed upon before the pants even come off. Maybe you communicate with each other through actions and visual cues, and not so much in words. Maybe you use your words, but they’re super dirty because you and/or your partner like it that way.

Whatever pleasure looks like for you when some sexy time is about to go down, I hope you speak to your desires and go for it!