A dominatrix explains to you what BDSM really is

What do you actually like in bed? Do you like “normal” things? Or do you belong to the extravagant variety? Can it also be a little more violent? Do you like to be “dominated” and live out your submissive side? Or do you find this completely exaggerated and unnecessary? Do you perhaps already feel these questions as an imposition? In the latter case, you should probably not read any further.

If you are interested in hair pulling, spanking and other, more unusual types of love and want to know more about bondage games and the like, you have come to the right place. Because I have asked an expert on the subject of BDSM.

What exactly is BDSM?

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism and thus describes a rather wide range of sexual variations. Above all, there is the pleasure of playing with dominance and submission, which can be expressed in the form of bondage sex, erotic role-playing with playful punishment or pain inflicted with pleasure.

The field is wide and thus offers plenty of room for prejudice. We wanted to know what’s true about the cliché of the top manager who likes to be spanked in his spare time; we learn that submissive women are by no means lacking in self-confidence and we explore whether a dominatrix actually gets a guilty conscience when she strikes.

How can I learn BDSM?

We talked to a woman who has made a passion out of exactly this ignorance of others: Madame Lisa is a dominatrix in Stuttgart or — as she prefers to call herself — a femdom. The abbreviation stands for “Female dominance”.

She believes that most people have a predilection for BDSM inside them, even if it is perhaps only a small one, and for more than 10 years she has been offering special seminars and workshops for those who would like to find out more about this form of sexuality.

Her goal: to get BDSM out of the mud corner and make it clear to people that the cliché of the arrogant dominatrix who has the dust licked off her boots has nothing at all to do with reality. In the following interview, she answers all questions about BDSM and the feelings, types of play and dangers associated with it. Let’s go:

Is BDSM really about women in leather dresses leading men on a leash?

If you’re referring to the typical images in porn — that has precious little to do with reality. In these movies, BDSM is portrayed quite exaggerated and is usually far from what men or women would want to experience if they were actually exposed to the situation. BDSM in reality has a lot to do with deep emotions and intimacy.

People who have sex don’t just see it, they feel it, smell it and taste it — this is completely lost when watching porn and that’s why you have to exaggerate things in the film to trigger an appeal in the viewer. But that applies to every form of pornography. Ultimately, this gives people a very skewed image of BDSM.

I notice this again and again in my workshops and seminars when people say “God, I’m relieved. I thought I wouldn’t be allowed to laugh now and would have to yell commands”. Leading someone has nothing to do with being cruel or deviant. It can be done quietly, politely and kindly.

What kind of people attend your BDSM seminars?

There’s really everything represented across the board. From the 19-year-old student to the banker to the senior citizen. By the way, my oldest course participant was 72 years old. There are absolute newcomers as well as experienced BDSMers, couples and individuals.

Some want to know if BDSM is something for them at all, the others are looking for new impulses for their relationship. The majority is between 30 and late 40 and — quite honestly — completely normal. What I want to say: Many confuse BDSM with milieu or a special kind of erotic industry and expect a corresponding clientele. But this is not the case.

Is the image of the strict manager who lets himself be whipped for compensation true?

There are of course; but there are also the managers who want to take the dominant part in bed.

I have my own theory about the former. When a man feels that he has submissive tendencies, it is sometimes unpleasant for him to simply take it for granted and admit it. Then he uses his job as a crutch. Some people simply find it easier to justify their preferences with their professional position than with their own personality.

Once dominant, always dominant? Or can a preference change?

For some people, it even changes from time to time. These are the so-called switchers. And sometimes someone who has been submissive for 20 years can suddenly feel the need to act out the opposite side.

I am the best example. When I discovered BDSM for myself at the age of 19, I felt very comfortable in the submissive role. If someone had told me at that time that I would be on the road as a femdom, I would have given him the bird.

That changed the moment I met a femdom and her two slaves at a party. The better we got to know each other, the more fascinated I was with the way she handled the two men. At some point I knew that’s what I wanted.

I think there is always a little longing in people that strikes the opposite. Sometimes it just takes the right partner at the right moment to awaken exactly this opposite pole.

Speaking of partners — what do couples do where both are dominant?

This can indeed be a downer, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship. In such cases, the couple can alternate, for example, so that each person can spend some time in the role that triggers them the most.

Or the couple opens up to other couples. Sexuality can also be completely excluded if this goes too far. Sometimes it is enough to share slap games or certain role plays with this other couple.

An open relationship with changing sexual partners can also work for an actually monogamous couple, but usually jealousy and fear of loss play a big role here.

How do you broach the subject with your partner? Order a whip on the net and unpack it in bed?

This can work, but it can also quickly backfire. For example, if you lash out without any sense or reason and possibly seriously hurt the other person — both physically and emotionally.

This is exactly the reason why I offer these seminars. Here people not only learn the basics about BDSM and learn everything relevant about the different types of play, but I also impart medical knowledge. Meaning: How hard and where can I hit without breaking something? By the way, the right communication between the partners is just as important.

The attitude of submissive women is sometimes condemned by feminists. What do you think?

There is a kind of double standard behind this. Why should submissive women be denied their pleasure and sexual self-determination just because they don’t fit into someone’s concept? A woman who stands by her sexuality and lives it is much freer than a woman who denies her preferences.

Es ist ein Irrglaube, dass unterwürfige Frauen wenig Selbstvertrauen haben oder schwach sind. Das Gegenteil ist der Fall. Wenn man sich vor jemandem verbeugen will, muss man zunächst in der Lage sein, standhaft zu bleiben. Ich würde sogar so weit gehen zu sagen, dass es viel mehr Kraft erfordert, jemandem zu dienen und sich freiwillig unterzuordnen, als zu befehlen.

Der bewusste Austausch von Macht wird sozusagen erst dadurch möglich, dass der unterwürfige Teil stark genug ist, genau das zuzulassen. Ebenso ist es ein Irrglaube, dass der dominante Part nur kalt oder hart sein muss. Gute Führung im BDSM erfordert vor allem Einfühlungsvermögen und ist genau dann richtig gewählt, wenn sie das richtige Maß an Härte und Strenge für den Partner darstellt.

Are there also people who use BDSM to live out fantasies of violence?

Yes, unfortunately there are also. I once had such a case in one of my seminars. There was a gentleman who said he had had bad experiences with women all his life and would now like to take revenge on womankind by torturing them.

I politely asked this man to leave my seminar and later explained to him in private that I do not tolerate such tendencies and that this has absolutely nothing to do with BDSM. I advise such a person to a therapeutic reappraisal of his relationship experiences, but definitely not to let off steam in BDSM.

By the way, this is also the reason why I don’t really like “Fifty Shades of Grey”, although the book has introduced many people to BDSM. However, the story is already sick at its core: Christian Grey is a traumatized man because he experienced violence as a child, and therein lies his penchant for BDSM. BDSM should never be an outlet for a serious trauma or a pathological inclination.

How do you know if it is pathological sadism or not?

In BDSM, ideally two people meet whose pleasure in the game of dominance and submission is mutually dependent. This means that the dominatrix only enjoys the role play if she has a slave at her disposal who likes to be led by her and derives satisfaction from it. If the slave would act exclusively under compulsion or in a negative emotion, it would not be a pleasure for the dominatrix.

It is the same with the submissive part, the so-called sub: only if he or she has the feeling that the Dom leads him or her with respect and dignity, can he or she become absorbed in his or her role and in turn feel pleasure. Even if we are dealing with a power imbalance here — ultimately, this is also nothing more than a game of our soul, in which both partners meet each other with respect and appreciation.

Doesn’t a dominant part still have a guilty conscience sometimes?

Feelings of guilt are often part of it — especially in the beginning. It goes so far that people burst into tears afterwards because they can’t understand why it gives them more pleasure to hit someone instead of caressing them, even though they love them.

Something like that doesn’t pass you by without leaving a trace, and I would be more worried if it had left me completely cold to begin with. After all, we have been brought up to believe that it is evil to inflict pain on someone. You can overcome this dichotomy by, on the one hand, knowing what you’re doing and not beating it senseless and, on the other hand, putting aside your black-and-white thinking and telling yourself that the other person feels just as much pleasure in their role.

How do you find out whether you are more submissive or dominant?

By trying it out. To grasp desires purely mentally — that doesn’t work. In addition, sexual preferences are often overlaid by how we see ourselves or would like to see ourselves. There are people who say from the outset that they are too proud to kneel down before someone else. Nevertheless, these people can have a strong desire to take on the submissive role during sex and ultimately deprive themselves of this experience with their rigid attitude.

Especially with BDSM, it is important to engage in it intensively, both physically and psychologically. Do I enjoy the experience of pain in reality or only when I watch it in porn? What does it do to my emotional life when I let myself be humiliated? Can my psyche withstand it? Sometimes you will be surprised what tendencies come to light during such an analysis. And one should allow oneself to have completely different preferences; even if they should be total opposites.

Diversity and different moods are what make us human beings. I firmly believe that almost every person has a certain inclination to BDSM, but does not dare to pursue it.

Almost everyone has ever distributed blows on the buttocks during sex or wanted to be blindfolded. This is perhaps a sign that you have an inclination here. It just depends on whether you allow yourself this inclination, explore it and at best also implement it with pleasure.