A Beginner's Guide To BDSM

In this series, we are going to look at the basics of BDSM because one thing I stand for is more sex and better of it . . . just ask the court reporter from my first divorce . . . well there’s only been one divorce so far . . . also only one marriage but my track record is 100%. 100% for getting out of there if the bedroom is irretrievably . . . vanilla. At one point there were even text messages introduced as evidence where I was trying to convince the ex to get into bondage with neck ties. His slimy attorney thought that would discredit me, HOWEVER, the judge took one look at me and said there wasn’t a man in that room who would’ve objected to my request . . . I also scored a few business cards from some fine ass attorneys when I went out to smoke my cigarette. That small town in Kentucky no doubt is still talking about the dirty messages that day. One day, I will release the transcript of the court hearing, but that’s not why you clicked on this now is it?

One of my purposes in life is to help people live better . . . like Oprah . . . but with lower cut dresses and more cuss words. To me living better means more money, more sex, and more fun. So I have decided to begin a series for those of you who also want more sex and better of it.

Not everyone has a sex dungeon although this writer highly recommends one. Maybe you have finally read some erotica or scrolled through pornhub and found some stuff that is so bad but done so well; and you want to know more about the erotic world of BDSM? Well we need to know the terminology so we can know what the fuck is going on. Like bondage can be cool, I was into that for quite sometime until I got arrested in Orlando for a suspended license and then bondage lost it’s appeal for quite sometime. It also didn’t help that when the officer asked me if I wanted to say anything my response was “This would be a lot cooler if you were hot” and I got thrown face first in the back of the SUV. I still stand by that message. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WAY COOLER IF HE WAS HOT. That is going to be something you learn as you explore the world of kink and BDSM. With the right partner or partners and setting a lot of things can be hot. But without the right partner/partners/setting it can also be not hot . . .

So let’s look at some basic BDSM terms so we can know what the fuck is going on.

What is a “safe word”?

Jokingly people will say their safe word is “pineapple” or like for me, my old safe word was more of a phrase “just don’t do that”. Before getting into some sexual play that involves a fine line between pleasure and pain, it is important to establish boundaries. A safe word or phrase that is agreed upon before you get into the action is the best way to guarantee that you feel, well, safe at all times especially as you begin to explore situations and arousal methods that are outside of your normal comfort zone.

What a safe word will do, is once the safe word or phrase is said, the scene or sex play will end. If you are in bondage, you will be released, the safe word essentially is like a time out or the buzzer ringing in a sporting event. All play is stopped.

If you are gagged and therefore cannot speak the safe word/phrase, an agreed upon physical gesture should be used in it’s place.

Most practitioners of BDSM agree upon the traffic light system: Green is go, yellow is slow down/caution, and red means stop, just like when you are driving a car.

Also, a dominant should be consistently checking in on their submissive (especially when the submissive is new to BDSM or new to the partner) to see how they are doing. Green would be good. Yellow is slow down a bit. Red would be stop everything.

A safe word should never be a word or phrase that the submissive may be afraid to say or embarrassed to say. Again, it is a safe word.

It is always advised to have an agreed upon safe word or phrase regardless of how long you have been with a partner.

What are “limits”?

Limits are fairly self explanatory. Limits are what a person is open to doing or trying and also what they are NOT okay with doing or trying. Within limits, there are two main types of limits:

Hard limits which are things that the partner is not willing to do under any circumstances, conditions, no amount of begging/bartering will make them do x action. Hard limits are non-negotiable.

Soft Limits on the other hand are actions or scenes that the partner is not open to right now. It’s not a no forever but it is a no for now. The partner may need coaching on the act/scene, or may need to build up trust and comfort level with the partner in order to participate in x action/scene.

Both hard and soft limits need to be set PRIOR to any playtime. Also, limits always need to be respected. Always. Limits also need to be evaluated periodically because people’s comfort zones with certain acts/scenes may and will change overtime. Things that one partner may not be ok with today, may be ok in six months. Also, things that may be ok today may NOT be ok in six months. Keeping an open line of communication with your partner is necessary to ensure the experience is enjoyable for everyone involved, and that’s why we are all there to begin with anyway.

Two Views On BDSM:

SSC: Safe, Sane, and Consensual

Any sort of scene, action, or relationship should be safe, sane, and consensual. Partners need to account for any risks that may be involved in a scene, partners need to be of sound mind while participating, and all parties should be consenting at all times.

RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink

Focus here is on risk awareness. This competing school of thought believes that risk is good as long as all parties are aware of risk involved in BDSM play. That is really the only guideline. RACK is used a lot in After Care and Edgeplay.

Importance of After Care

For those who are curious, After Care, is when people in a scene are able to “come down” from the scene and return to a more normalized state of mind. If you do not attend to the After Care part of BDSM play you may find yourself in a situation which is referred to as “Sub Drop” which can be damaging to one or more partners. After Care can be physical and/or emotional and may involve reassurance, cuddling, kissing, and reaffirming that they are ok; also it may involve treating any physical ailments that may have come up due to the scene.

Without After Care, “Sub Drop” is when the endorphins which are at a very high level during BDSM play drop dramatically. It’s almost the equivalent of a hard drug withdrawal. Sub Drop can cause a partner to have severe physical and psychological trauma in extreme cases, therefore, I cannot stress the importance of After Care enough.

Final Thoughts:

BDSM is an excellent way to explore power dynamics, the line between pleasure and pain, how to give and receive; but it always needs to be done with boundaries, respect, and a plan for the partners involved and scenes.