9 Types of Lovers - The Twisted Version

Perfectionists

Saying: Honey, I've planned everything (ahead of time!) and specified the ground rules. Of course, I am always on time and treat you with honesty, and it frustrates me that you cannot do the same. I'm not sure why individuals (including you!) can't be organized, timely, responsible, and hold themselves to the greatest standards. Why can't you have the same desire to develop yourself as I do? And how could you make such a mess of the bed when I've carefully positioned the blankets so we may have sex in a clean and orderly environment? Do you want to be daring? Sure, I can handle anything! Please define the rules of spontaneity.

Lighten up, goof up a little (or a lot! ), and sin from time to time as an antidote to the perfectionist. You can't always be correct.

The source

Saying, "Look what I cooked for you, honey!" It makes no difference whether you want it or not. And please don't tell me you don't want it after all my hard work, slaving away and sacrificing myself for you. You owe me some recognition for my efforts. You don't need my help? However, I live to serve you!! I have no needs other than to satisfy yours. And, of course, you owe me your time, affection, and approval for all I do for you (oh yeah, it turns out that I do have needs after all... and perhaps ulterior motives... ) Do you consider my generosity to be oppressive and suffocating? How can you say something so hurtful when all I can think about is our relationship and your needs? Why would you desire your own space after everything I do for you (even when you don't ask for it)?

The remedy for the giver: Spend a lot of time alone and resist the need to assist and intrude on other people's lives (particularly your other half's). Don't become overly involved with the other person; let them breathe and look after themselves. You look for yourself and your needs (which you have plenty of - you are, indeed, the neediest type of all when in your trance).

The performer

Greetings, Honey I worked 11 hours today in the office, then went to the gym, and now I'm on my way to my evening business class. Oh, and during my lunch break, I worked on my new website project and called this wonderful shop to arrange for a tailor to come take my measurements for a new suit. Do you want to spend some time with me? Let's see if I can squeeze you into my normally jam-packed agenda... Do you want to have some sex? Sure, that can be arranged... perhaps, on June 14th?

Thinking: Please thank me for all I do and don't pull me away from my work (or judge me for constantly tagging myself on FB so people can see me). I am absolutely unlovable until I do millions of things while also looking my best all of the time.

The achiever's antidote: accomplish less, postpone more, and FEEL more!!

The daydreamer

Saying: Oh, how I long for that sweet yet riveting, full of light yet hidden, mysterious yet revealing connection in which a handsome prince from another land will cross the ocean and whisk me away into the depths of the unknown, and love me passionately for who I am, for my uniqueness and talent, and will adore my pain, and feel this pain, and we will merge in pain forever and live happily ever after... What is it, honey? You're saying you're a genuine person who loves me right now? Oh, it seems so mundane; I'd rather return to my dream. (In the meanwhile, it would be wonderful if you could make some money to pay the bills.)

Thinking: I feel so inadequate, so lacking, and so envious of what other people have; my own sadness and melancholy, as well as this profound sense of abandonment, overwhelm me to the point that I simply want to go away. I'm afraid I'm going to sever my wrists. But first, I'll compose a poem for which I will be finally recognized, respected, and loved when I'm gone...

The dreamer's antidote: Get real! Look for the brightness and pleasure in the mundane! Take use of what you have right now. Do not compare yourself to others or covet what others seem to have. Take a more practical approach to life. Do more while dreaming less. After all, someone needs to pay the bills, and there is nothing wrong with doing it yourself. Artists may generate money as well; suffering is not their primary vocation.

The person who thinks

Saying: Speaking of sex, did you know that the biggest brain-imaging research of its type discovers certain sex-specific patterns in men and women, but there seem to be more similarities than differences? The research raises intriguing concerns about how gender variations in the brain impact intellect and behavior... For decades, brain scientists have observed that male brains have somewhat bigger total brain capacity than female brains, even when men' larger average body size is taken into account. However, determining whether substructures of the brain are more or less voluminous has proven notoriously difficult. Most studies used tiny sample sizes, often fewer than 100 brains, making large-scale conclusions impractical... A team of researchers headed by psychologist Stuart Ritchie, a postdoctoral scholar at the University of Edinburgh, used data from UK Biobank, an ongoing, long-term biological study of individuals living in the United Kingdom with 500,000 participants, in a recent new study. A subgroup of participants recruited in the research had MRI brain scans. Ritchie and his colleagues analyzed the volumes of 68 brain areas, as well as the thickness of the cerebral cortex, the brain's wrinkled outer layer known to be crucial in consciousness, language, memory, perception, and other processes, in 2750 women and 2466 men aged 44-77...

What? You're suggesting you want us to have sexual relations? Oh, I need to do so much more research before I dare to use any of that priceless information. I'll simply go back to my cave and resume my investigation.

Participation is the antidote for the thinker. Put everything you've learned into practice. Begin dancing all of the moves you've been reading and studying. Engage with people rather than books. Even though you behave like a snob, we like you (and no, we don't usually care about all the "interesting" stuff you keep sharing). We don't bite, so just come out and play with us.

The advocate for the devil

Saying: Honey, why do you now want to try a different restaurant after we've been going to the same one for the last 5 years? What if the food is contaminated and we get ill? What if there is excessive noise? What if the temperature inside is too low? Oh, I see... you've fallen in love with a waiter! Have you been unfaithful to me? Why can't we stick with our restaurant? Why can't you be faithful to me? I am completely dedicated to you!

I'm thinking: I'm so uneasy knowing you want to change. You never alter things on me... But, okay, I adore you and will accompany you to that restaurant (and to the end of the world, if I have to). I simply need some time to prepare for any unanticipated events.

The devil's advocate's antidote: Be mindful of your paranoia. Be more trusting and quit predicting what may go wrong at every turn. Accept change and surprises as positives. Accept the new.

The vivacious

Saying something like, "Honey, let's all get together and have an orgy!"

I'm thinking to myself, "I love you so much that I want to share all of my wonderful experiences with you, and I want you to have fun with me." Besides, I become tired with the sameness so soon that I can't stay with you until we switch things up a little (actually, a lot!) so I feel energized and alive. I have to try everything! I really don't want to be left out.

The antidote to frivolity: Commit to one thing and get further into it. Avoid overcommitment, excessive drinking, excessive eating, and excessive spending. Avoid becoming a narcissist. Instead, start reading books. Yes, we know you despise reading, but the things you despise the most are really beneficial for you. Choose something and stick to it.

The manly

Saying: Honey, don't run away to hide when I begin a battle with you and start shouting. I anticipate a fight from you! Oh, my rage frightens you, and you fear you're in danger when you're near me? But I'm here to defend you! I had no clue you thought I was dominant and intimidating. I'm merely being too cautious (and I would fight anyone else who tries to hurt you). I'm not violating you; that's how I make love."

The macho's antidote: Breathe deeply and use half the energy and passion you typically use. Don't be scared to expose part of the vulnerability you hold within and desperately strive to hide.

The laid-back

Saying: Sure, honey, anything you want to say and do is alright with me (as long as there is no conflict). I'm not in a hurry.

Thinking: I've already decreased my expectations (to avoid disappointment and to avoid going for what I want in case I need to be aggressive, make choices, and, God forbid, generate conflict). I'm not even sure what I want anymore (much alone explain or pursue it), so I'll go along with it. However, please ask me again (and again!) what I want because if you continue to ignore me and my wants (which I have no concept about), my wrath will build up and finally burst at the most inconvenient moment.

The antidote for the laid-back: Wake awake to your own existence. Get in touch with yourself, your needs and desires, and learn to communicate them despite probable variations in beliefs and aspirations. Get off the sofa and start doing activities that will benefit just you. And hurry up – time flies, despite your illusion that everything is still still and you will live another 200 years.