01/13/2020

After giving me attitude this morning after trying to talk to him. He facetimed me on his break to day, asking me if I needed money. I would live on the street before asking him for money. So, yea, after that conversation where he was fake happy with me. He walks into the apartment. No, hi or nothing. He walks in talking to some girl on the phone. I texted him "You know if you wanted to secretly talk to your hoes, you could just go talk to them in your car". He ended the convo with that girl, and comes out the bathroom saying "Was that a joke, because I'm really hoping it was a joke".

I wrote five songs about him today. About the crazy things he's done. Might have to go record another one. I'm so tired I don't even cry anymore. My heart just beats out of my chest. Honestly, if he just spoke with only his wife I wouldn't care because... that's his wife. She deserves some sort of respect if they are getting back together, you know? Anyways, I feel like I should just tell her. I've only ever met her once, driving him home in his car. He was just supposed to go in, shower, and come back so we could go to the mall. That never wound up happening because he fell asleep as I drove him and said to wake him up in fifteen minutes so he can go inside and do what he needed to do.

As you can imagine, she came outside and banged on the glass. I freaked out! I smacked him awake. I didn't know what to do, but she grabbed the door and said "Do you know who I am?" Of course, I said "Yes, you're his wife." She said "What are you doing driving my husband's car?" I said "I was picking him up from his co-workers house to drop him off because he felt sick. My girlfriend will be here any minute to pick me up". My heart was beating out of my chest. Finally, Sally called me. I kept telling her to shut up and just hang up the phone. Finally, I got out of the car and hopped into hers. He then chased after his wife, but she sped off. I asked him if he was ok, but he didn't answer. Finally, he apologized to me.

Anyways, later on in the day, actually a few minutes ago, he wanted to jerk off before going to bed. I usually just left him, but today I didn't want to hear any part of it so, I told him to do it somewhere else. He said "No, half of this bed is mine." I told him again and he, again, said no. I started crying because lately he's been, constantly, disrespecting me. I don't ask him for anything. Never. I'm the brokest I've been since we've moved in together and yet, I haven't asked him for his half of the rent. His job is to save and yet... he has money for all these other things... You know what? Let me not get into this.

All I know is... This 'boy' doesn't love or care for me at all. If he did, he wouldn't be with people that he knows I'm uncomfortable with. He wouldn't stay out all night and come back the next day for a few minutes and then go to work multiple times a week. He would contribute to our living expenses without being asked. He would understand by I smeared chocolate cake and powder all over his clothes, Cut up ALL his condoms (we never use condoms... he used them for his "Endeavors"), and through his stuff everywhere before "leaving". He would comfort me when I'm sad instead of inflicting more pain. He would stop messing around with who ever and just focus on me, or more importantly... his wife.

I told him I loved him. He said "I thought you meant as a friend". According to him, we're nothing but friends. Friends with benefits. He told me he could see himself falling for me, but we're just friends. He told me he loved me, but we're just friends. He met my entire family, but we're just friends. He kisses me out of the blue "just because", but we're just friends. We sleep in the same bed and live together... but we're... just friends.

I cry a lot. I pray a lot. I pray to God asking if he could send me a man who will love me for me. A man who will be loyal and faithful to me without asking. A man who doesn't want me to change any part of myself. A man. That's all I want. Apparently, that is too much to ask for.

I hope you guys have better luck finding what you're looking for than I do.

To be continued...