Your Shattered Heart

Her breath caught as she shook herself back to reality. The taste of chocolate cake still melted across her tongue and tears streamed down her cheeks. The first bite always took her back to the days when she lived each moment in shame and terror. Not after today.

She fingered the rose quartz heart pendant around her neck, drew in a deep, cleansing breath and released it all as she placed a photo of that quartz heart into the box. She picked up the pen and quietly muttered a prayer before penning the letter.

'Dear Mama,

I recommend you open this box with great care and caution. Be warned that there are shards of broken glass amongst these letters that I am sending back to you. You see, many years ago I had a friend create for me a beautiful piece of art. A polished rose quartz heart was suspended inside of a delicate, clear glass heart. We then smashed that glass heart into what seemed like a million pieces. With great care, we picked up those pieces and carefully placed them inside this box, along with the letters you had sent me up to that point. I have placed every letter that you have sent me since that day inside this box as well.

You see, Mama, all those years ago I knew that you had always wanted to break my spirit, so that you could mold me into what YOU wanted me to be, so that you would always and forever own me. In my childhood you attempted to beat my individuality out of me. That worked so far as to make me compliant when I was under your roof, but I eventually spread my wings and left your nest.

As an adult you couldn't physically beat me, so instead you opted to start sending these awful letters, always when I was at a crisis point in my life. Other times, you'd call or show up in tears at my door. You have a special knack for making things all about you. In those times that I didn't have a letter to tuck into this box, I wrote my own, to purge my soul of the poison that spewed from your lips.

You'd always talk about how crushed you are at the choices I have made. I'm such a disappointment! How much you'd LOVE to have a 'proper' Mother/daughter relationship, but how I have made that impossible. In listening to you, one would almost think that I was some sort of crackhead or whore, maybe both, yet I'm neither.

I'm praying that you'll sit down and read these letters you've sent me over the years, in my times of crisis, from my perspective. I hope your words cut you as deeply as they have me over the years. I've spent these past few weeks looking back over my life and I've noticed a common thread. You have always sided with the monsters and taken the role of victim as your very own. It's like a badge and you wear it with great pride.

Mama, today I want you to know that I SEE you for the monster that you somehow allowed yourself to become. I have been literally, physically sickened at the realization that YOU are a bigger monster than all of the men who have ever laid their hands on me and attempted to break my spirit. Do you know why? You have always presented yourself as weak. Every. Single. Crisis. I have ever had, hurt YOU more than it ever hurt me... even if it had absolutely no impact on your life what so ever.

You may have brought me into this world, but you are by NO means my MOTHER. You did absolutely nothing to nurture me, ever. I'm looking back through my life and can't help but wonder by what miracle I managed to become the beautiful, loving, caring soul that I am. How have I even survived? For all that you have ever given me, I should not even have the will to draw a breath. What mother stands tall in front of her daughter and tells her that she has decided to put Dad into palliative care... and that she is looking forward to 'finally being free' after being married 50 years to a man she didn't even love to begin with. Not only did you stab me in the heart with your overly obvious joy, you had to absolutely gut me with your twisted word of thanks for helping care for him in his dying days. You didn't understand how I could not only forgive him for abusing me as a toddler, but be a genuinely loving caregiver for him over his last ten months of life. You talked of how you could never forgive him for what he did to his children. THEN you had the nerve to start sobbing about how you would listen to him over all those years, in our bedrooms at night and thank God that at least he wasn't going to be pawing at YOU!!

I was able to forgive him, because as soon as he realized that what he was doing was hurting me, he stopped!! A few months after he learned that he was dying, he told me that he was leaving this life with no regrets. He acknowledged that he had made some huge missteps in life, but he said that we can only ever know the things we see and we can never completely undo what has already been done. We can only ever try to mend the things that we have broken. He cried when he looked at me and spoke of how proud he was of the woman I have become despite all that I have been through. Despite all the things that he had done wrong in his life, he could die knowing that a piece of him was going to live on making the world a better a place.

I cannot even begin to count the times that you have pushed me into situations where you KNEW I would be dealing with people that had caused me trauma. I had no choice but to swallow whatever I felt, because I had to make sure YOU were taken care of. I had to keep my lips sealed and stand tall as if nothing ever happened, because, Heaven forbid, anyone ever maybe make you a little bit uncomfortable.

The final straw has been drawn, Mama. It's done, you lose.

When you called and said that you couldn't be medically responsible for the man who not only abused me in my early childhood, but then pimped me out in exchange for drugs, alcohol and whatever, well into my teens... You KNEW!!!! I remember well the months of counselling sessions we sat through together after it had been reported, especially the day I had to present you with the list of names and some of the nitty gritty details. Even that somehow turned into YOU being the most victimized and hurt! When you cried to me that you could no longer 'handle' taking care of his affairs and asked me if you could transfer kinship to me. I told you to REALLY think about it, I said that I may not be the best person to have making those choices. You insisted it had to be me. I remembered my promise to Dad all those years ago and once again I swallowed my feelings and took care of business, to leave you unscathed. You had the nerve to have someone else tell me the details of the memorial service AND inform me that it was 'probably best' if I didn't come because it would make people, including you, uncomfortable! What. The. Actual. Fuck!?!

I see it all too clearly now. There's absolutely no doubt. You will stop at nothing to break me. Guess what, Mama? That ain't never gonna happen!! The rose quartz heart that was suspended in this glass all those many years ago, has hung from my neck since that day the glass shattered. It is my constant reminder that my heart and soul cannot be broken. My spirit will remain intact regardless of anything that happens that is meant to break me, my center will remain untouched, beautiful, pure and MINE.

Perhaps one day, I will come to understand what it was that turned your heart to stone. Why you are compelled to crush those that you are supposed to love. What made you such a succubus? If I could but understand the source of the poison that spews from your very pores, I might be able to find it in my heart to forgive you. As it stands today, I don't see that ever happening. There's nothing in this world that could justify your horrific and evil behavior. But today, I am sending it all back to you. This shattered heart is all yours. It was never, ever mine and I refuse to carry your broken pieces for another moment. I'm holding onto my perfectly polished, intact, beautiful, untouchable heart. As far as I'm concerned, you can shove these shattered shards up your ass and truly feel your pain.

There's no polite closing to this letter. May you know when you open it, that when I closed it and wrapped it tightly in brown paper and sent it back to you, I wasn't just sealing the box, I was closing and sealing a door. There are no cracks. You will never get back in to hurt me. I've purged my soul of your poison and there isn't one drop of your venom left to take away my joy.

I have a beautiful life. I have an incredible family and wonderful friends, that all love me enough to build me up and remind me that my heart is precious and beautiful and in no way broken. From this day forward there is no space for the pieces of your shattered heart...

She smiled as she sealed the box, wrapped it in paper and addressed it. When she placed it on the post office counter and paid the postage, she felt it all go. She was finally free. Empowered. She could finally truly feel and appreciate all that was wonderful in her world. It would never again be tainted by her Mama's Shattered Heart. She was healing, she was joyful, but most importantly she was loved and for the first time in her life, she knew that she deserved all that and more.