You don't have to continue...

As Victoria sat on the chair facing the camera in the cold empty room her heart felt heavy. "You can continue," the aid said as she patted the side of her thick thigh. The sound of her southern accent seemed to throw Victoria off but just slightly. "Yeah...ok. So as I was saying I was sitting at a local cafe talking to a friend. I said to her, 'There are some days when it feels as though time is standing still. I still miss her, it’s been 5-years but I still miss her.'" As Victoria spoke the words she found herself transported back to that cafe in her mind.

Her hands gripped onto her coffee mug. Her best friend Amber sat directly across from her. Amber’s green eyes sparkled while she listened to her best friend. Victoria knew that she was closed off. This sudden openness thrilled her friend but left her feeling vulnerable.

“I can only imagine, your mom was an important part of your life,” Amber said as she reached out to hold her hand. A warmth flooded between their hands and Victoria found herself looking deep into her eyes. This simple act of kindness had been enough to grant her the strength to keep speaking.

“When we found out that she passed away I think it broke him. I wasn’t sure if he knew about her affair or if the news had come to him as a surprise. I just remember watching him as the police officer told him.” she paused for a moment. A single tear slid down her cheek. “His eyes welled with tears. It broke my heart to see him that way.”

“I cannot even imagine the pain,” Amber whispered softly and squeezed her hand tighter to let her know it was alright to keep going.

“'Are you sure it was her officer?' That's what my father asked that day. I could hear the desperation in his tone. He was almost pleading with the officer to tell him a different story. The officer hadn't even noticed me standing there until that moment." Victoria paused. Her throat was dry and the pain of relieving that moment was becoming too much.

"You don't have to continue," Amber said. Victoria looked at her for a moment and decided that she wanted to tell her. "It's ok. Thank you though. So the officer turned towards my father and said, “Sir, I have more news to share but it might be better if we do it without your daughter present. Is there somewhere we can go to speak more privately?” The words that he had spoken pounded into my mind. He stood there watching me with an intent I couldn't understand. There was something about his eyes that told me that what he was going to say he didn’t want to say in front of me. It was bad and that made me want to know even more."

"Oh my god! I can't believe it. Did you father tell you to leave? What happened next?"

"My father turned his gaze towards me. His eyes glimmered with sorrow as the tears began to form. “Victoria sweetie, could you give us a few minutes alone, please?” he asked with every shred of self-control he possessed. I could hear it in the way his voice trembled.” Victoria's words got caught in her throat and she sobbed. Her head fell onto the table and Amber gently stroked her head.

“Take your time,” Amber said.

Victoria lifted her head and wiped her eyes. “I’m ok,” she said softly. “I’ll continue if that’s alrigh?” she asked.

“Of course it’s alright, I’m here for you Vicky,” she said with a warm smile.

“Ok...So I said, “Yes, daddy,” and I lifted myself up high enough to show him I wanted to kiss his cheek. He bent down to permit me and I placed a gentle kiss on his right cheek. “I love you daddy,” I said as I grinned and he smiled back at me as well. “I love you too my princess,” and with that he stood back tall and proud and I walked just far enough away that he nor the police officer could see me. I listened quietly."

"o.m.g you didn't?"

"I did!" Victoria said proudly.

"And?" Amber's voice had suddenly raised an octave which caused Victoria to chuckle.

"Ok, OK. So I was out of ear shot and I heard my father say to the officer, “What did you want to say that you hadn’t already said in front of my daughter?” the tone of his voice was the most demanding I think I'd ever heard from him. “Sir, you see, your wife wasn’t alone when she passed,” the officer said. I could see my father’s body tense and his hands balled into fists. “What do you mean?” he said between gritted teeth."

"Damn. That's deep" Amber said slightly cutting Victoria off but not intentionally.

"Oh I know. The police officer shifted from one leg to the other before he spoke, “It appears to be a murder/suicide. All of the evidence suggests that this was a lovers quarrel gone bad, most likely due to the drugs and alcohol on the scene.” I froze. ‘Murder/suicide’ I thought to myself 'This isn't real. This can't be right. There is no way mom would do this. She was working. She was always working. When would she even have time to be with someone else? Drugs? My mother would never use drugs.' My head was spinning with this news. It was devastating!"

Amber choked on her coffee and spit some out of her mouth. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm such a clutz. I cannot believe what you are saying to me right now."

"Me either. At the time, I felt rage at that police officer who was so obviously lying. “Liar!,” I screamed before I realized what I had done. I quickly covered my mouth with my hands but it was too late. My father’s eyes were on me. They were raised in both shock and horror that I had overheard that conversation. “Victoria!” He called out to me harshly. I gasped and I ran. I ran up the stairs and into my bathroom and locked myself inside. I turned on the shower and I jumped in not even bothering to strip off my clothes. I felt so dirty and so angry and confused."

"Wow, what did you do?" she asked as she leaned in closer.

"I was so upset I just kept asking myself, ‘Why would he say those things about my mother? Why would he do that?’ I cried out as the tears broke through the wall I was so desperately trying to build. I felt lost. My body ached from deep within me and I could not contain the tears. A short while passed and I heard a gentle tap on the bathroom door. “Go away!” I called out. “Victoria, please, we need to talk about this,” my father said. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. “Please…” I said with a desperation in my voice. “Leave me alone,” there was a silence on the other side of the door. “OK, honey, I am here for you when you are ready to talk,” I heard a slight thump and imagined it was his forehead resting against the door."

"This story is breaking my heart sweetie. I feel like I can feel all of the pain that you've been carrying."

Victoria nodded and smiled. "He needed me as much as I needed him but I couldn’t bring myself to be that for him. The pain was too fresh and too real and even when we buried her I kept myself at a distance. The sorrow was unquenchable. My world was shattered and I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to pick up the pieces. I left him. Just like she had. Maybe not physically or in the same way but I had emotionally shut down. I spent very little time at home and I left him to tend to my sister alone. He spiraled and I hadn’t even seen it happening.”

Her words lingered in the air, she looked up to see her best friend crying. This time Victoria gripped her hands and held them tightly. “I’m sorry,” Ambered said softly through her tears. “It’s ok, you see my own sorrow and pain had consumed me so deeply that I lost sight of myself. The presence that I felt shortly after overwhelmed me. That’s why I am sharing my story with you. That’s why we are here…” she paused.

The sadness that was once on Amber’s face was now replaced with shock. “Why are we here?” she asked curiously. Victoria paused, looked around the empty cafe and held Ambers hands so tightly that it caused her pain. Amber winced from the discomfort as a new fear surfaced.

Victoria stared at her with dead eyes, “They are watching us.”