You can go now

For two years, I walked past this house daily on my way to clean houses for clients in my neighborhood. I loved everything about it, like, the sky blue wooden shingles with white trim, the bedroom windows above the front porch, the driveway on the left side leading to the back yard, a long rose bush bordering the right, and the maple tree providing shade for the back deck. Then one morning, there was a FOR RENT sign on the front lawn. My heart filled with joy, I wrote down the real estate agent's number and called as soon as I arrived at my first house of the day. I was informed by the agent to complete an application form online and pay a non-refundable $200 deposit, after which, if selected I would be interviewed by the owners before being able to receive any more information, including a showing of the house. After I hung up, a seed of doubt had been planted but I remained optimistic because I knew this house was special. I felt it.

When I got back home after cleaning my second house of the day, I completed the application on the computer and transferred the $200. Next, I had to tell Jane about it. Although dreading it, I owed it to her. She would need time to process the possibility that our living arrangement may be coming to an end. My son and I had been living with Jane and her two children since the start of the school year one year ago. The kids were all the same age, they knew each other from my home daycare when they were preschoolers, they got along and my son felt like he was no longer an only child. Joseph and I slept on the third floor. We each had a bedroom and there was a washroom. I had agreed to live rent-free with no utility charges in exchange for cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and providing child care services from 07:00 to 08:30 and 15:00 to 18:00, Monday to Friday. I had weekends off to work my shifts at the hospital while my son was with his father in the country. The arrangement suited everyone but I knew there would be a day this would all change.

After the kids had gone to bed, I began to tell Jane about this house while sharing a bottle of wine. Her reaction was more physiological than I had anticipated, her skin paled, eyes glazed over and her mouth drooped as all the muscles in her face lost their strength. She and I were friends, we had so much in common as working women and single mothers, but the reality of being an employee living in my boss's house came to light. I could see in her facial expression and hear in her tone of voice that she was struggling with supporting my aspirations and preserving the functionality of her home. For a moment I believed she felt worse than my son's father when I told him we needed to separate. Nonetheless, I fell asleep happy and imagined living in a new house, my house, that house.

I appeared at the main entrance and began to move through the empty living room, noticing the white staircase on my left leading up to the highest level. I continued through the doorway to the kitchen. The room was open and warm from the sunlight coming in through the window above the sink, drawing me to it. Looking out, I felt happy at the thought of doing the dishes and looking outside at the rose bushes before me. To my left, the kitchen extended into the dining room then out to the backyard through the patio doors. The imagery of my son and I living here filled me with joy. Sensing I was not alone, I turned to the right looking at the doorway leading back to the living room. In its center, was a small transparent greyish orb forming into an older man. I recognized him, he was Irene's father. Irene was another mom in the neighborhood who had a home daycare with six children. I had met him there. She had asked me for help one day and while I was doing her laundry her father had arrived also to help and took her three children on an outing for the afternoon. Here he was, standing before me overwhelmed by sadness. I felt his sadness. The instant we connected we began to communicate mentally as a warm yellow light began to glow behind him. I felt the light's happiness and love growing stronger, wanting, waiting to welcome him. He didn't want to go. He didn't want to leave his daughter, Irene, because he knew she needed him. I understood, I felt the depth of his sorrow. At the same time, I understood and felt the depth of the light's love as it grew brilliantly around him. It was so powerful and yet he was able to resist it, that's how strong his love was for his daughter. I felt his love. The room was dissolving into this warm loving light, as we both were. I smiled gently and reassuringly said, "You can go now. She'll be ok."

When I woke up I thought, my friend Angela's father must have passed during the night. For three days she had been wanting to be by his side hoping to be with him at that moment. Being the youngest of seven brothers & sisters, she shared the visiting time with her siblings but was distraught during the obligated separation. I knew I had to see her and tell her about my dream hoping it would give her some comfort. After getting the kids ready and sending them off to school, I went to clean my first house of the day. This was the easy one. It was a newly built three-bedroom condominium. Dust, wipe, wash and go. It would only take two hours to finish and then I could visit Angela on my lunch break before my next house.

Unfortunately, when I arrived, the owners were home. This meant I would need to work around them resulting in extended time. I could hear the volume of the television from the entrance on the lower floor which was highly unusual for them. I walked up to the main floor and down the long hallway to their open concept living room, kitchen, dining room to find them both, and a business partner, sitting on the couch watching the news on the large screen mounted above the electric fireplace. After I said good morning, no one replied, they continued watching the news. I stood there looking at them confused by their expressions. One of them simply pointed at the screen while covering their mouth with the other hand. I looked but didn't understand what I was seeing. One of the World Trade Centre buildings was on fire. No one explained what I was looking at. I turned to them to ask what had happened when all three of them screamed, jumping to their feet moaning "Oh my God! Oh my God!" in unison. Instantly turning back to the television, I saw the tail end of an airplane going into the second building. I felt numb but thought, I can't be a part of this. I knew, I still had to clean their home.

Although I finished cleaning early because I didn't want to disturb them in the space they were occupying, I was paid in full. I ate my lunch while walking to Angela's house, not knowing if she was home. She lived a few blocks away on route to my second client of the day. While walking I began to question if I should mention my dream at all because it wasn't about her father. It was about Irene's dad. As I rang the doorbell, I decided I would only ask about herself and offer to babysit her four children if needed. Angela answered the door and we hugged. "How are you?" I asked. "Exhausted," she said. We walked to the living room and sat on the couch facing each other. She was getting ready to go back to the hospital when I arrived. Her mother had called in the morning to say her father's breathing rate was decreasing and would be asking her siblings to come to the hospital. As her eyes filled with tears, she said she had been with her father late last night when the man sharing his room had passed away. "It was Irene's father," she said. She decided to return home and allow his family members to gather and mourn. When she left the room, Irene was coming down the hallway. She embraced her and offered her condolences. I couldn't stop myself. I began telling Angela all the details of last night's dream. When I finished, I waited not sure of what she would say to me.

Angela said, "You have to tell her. She needs to hear this." I nodded, knowing she was right. We hugged in silence on the couch before getting up and going our separate ways. Walking towards my second house of the day I was wondering how to tell Irene when walking towards me, was Irene. As the distance between us diminished I felt increasingly weightless and senseless. Our eyes locked, now standing facing each other as though both robotic, I began to speak and she listened. It was only after I had finished telling her about my dream that we became human again. Hugging, crying, and expressing ourselves naturally as we have known each other to be. Her heart had broken last night for not being with him when he passed. She stood before me saying she knew he didn't want to leave her because he was worried about her. She knew he enjoyed helping her with the kids. She knew he felt closest to her than her other siblings. Yet, he was never able to say it to her. Admittedly, she was also never able to say what she knew she had to say to him, "Dad, you can go now. I'll be ok." She couldn't say it because she didn't want him to go and, she knew he knew that. We hugged again, she whispered, "Thank you" and we went our separate ways.

I finished my second house in time to make it home before the kids arrived from school. They ate their snacks, finished their homework, and then played outside. I made supper and cleaned the kitchen before Jane got home from work. Upon arriving, Jane immediately told me the details of this morning's tragic events. We were standing at the kitchen counter when she was distracted by the message light flashing on the answering machine. We listened to the real estate agent assigned to renting the house I had applied for the previous day saying, "I'm sorry to say your application has been declined and your $200 deposit, as you know, is non-refundable. Good luck in finding a home."

I turned and walked to the dining room thinking, I knew that house was special. I sat down at the supper table with the kids and we waited patiently for Jane.

She walked in with a lit candle, placed it gently in the middle of the table, then sat down and said, "I would like to say grace tonight."

We all held hands and the kids closed their eyes while smiling and trying not to giggle. Jane and I looked at each other from across the table, with a warm loving light between us, and smiled.