Whistling for My Ship

Looking out at horizon, Jana stared to see if any type of vessel was approaching or sailing away. She opened up the wax paper that held a chocolate glazed donut and shook her head after she took a bite.

“Oh dad, this is pure sugar," she mumbled to herself as she sat crossed legged on her special rock. She tucked the donut, which was her dads favorite, back into the paper and looked again at the ocean. She came to this spot all the time as a kid and then as a teenager on weekends with her father.

He used to love to stand on the rocks and listen to 60’s and 70’s music from a small cassette player. He particularly loved Otis Redding and the song “Dock of the Bay”. Often, he would dance and sing all the lyrics adding in as much rhythm to his moves as he could. Somehow he would come ever so close to edge, but not fall into the water. He never missed a beat all the while a beer in his hand and a cigarette hanging from his mouth. Jana, especially as a teenager, would roll her eyes in embarrassment, but eventually would try to join in. She could never remember the words and usually ended up giggling away as he continued his show. Her dad would be waltzing and then spinning her under his arm. He was always building up to the last part when Otis would whistle. Her dad called it “whistling for my ship to come in.” He would whistle along too and then yell for Otis to “bring my ship in!" Sometimes just as he would turn around and move his hands outward in an introduction, they would both look out to the ocean to see a ship on the horizon. Sometimes it would be 2 hours later. Sometimes not at all. Her dad would still insist, “his ship” was still on its way.

One time when Jana was frustrated with him, she just blurted out, “Jesus Christ dad we will always see a ship on the horizon! We live in Portsmouth!” Portsmouth, New Hampshire, home to a large fishing harbor always had a ship coming or going out to sea.

As soon as she said it, she regretted her words as he gave her a slight smile of recognition but he never danced on rocks or whistled for a ship again that she could recall.

Jana took a sip of her coffee. She looked down at the mail that she brought with her as she scooted out of her townhouse earlier that morning trying to avoid her next-door neighbor, Madge, who was overly interested in all things Jana including where she put her trash barrel, how she parked her car and of course when she was getting married. Jana walked past as Madge was shouting something again about the trash being placed too close to her property line and “Oh I haven’t seen Jake around. When is the big day by the way?”

“Thanks for the reminder about the trash, Madge and I’ll tell Jake you said hi,” Jana turned and made a face out of view from her nosy neighbor. It was in moments like these that she was glad for masks and social distancing. Madge at least stayed away, whereas in the past she would be right in Jana’s face with her comments and inquiries. Jana grabbed her mail and started planning in her head to sell the townhouse as she headed to the donut shop before coming to this spot.

“Oh shit!” Jana mumbled as coffee spilled onto her clean scrubs while she was shifting her legs on the rocks. She grabbed a napkin to blot her pants that were now stained. These were one of her last good pairs. She knew she needed more and especially as a nurse, but it was something she had just put off during this crazy year. She had been working 12 hour shifts with few days off many weeks in row. An Intensive Care Unit nurse, she had been taking care of COVID-19 patients who were on ventilators and most did not recover.

She had become stoic almost numb to the loss of life. She was glad when the vaccine became available and that there was now a tool against this awful virus but something in her heart had changed. She felt like she had lost feeling. Her fiancé, Jake had said so several months back. He pressured her to take a break but she refused and told him to worry about the wedding plans he seemed so obsessed with. At work she could just hide emotions which was comforting in its own way. She did not have to feel herself, because she was there to help others live or unfortunately die and maybe connect with their families one last time.

Jana looked down at the mail. Another RSVP for the wedding. The wedding they were supposed to have in May, 2020 then rescheduled it to September of 2021 then called it off completely. Jana opened up the card with little emotion. It was from her aunt in California who wrote a note stating how she could not make it because of the virus. She enclosed a check and then written on back were her aunt’s condolences, “Jana, I’m sorry about your dad.”

Her dad did not have COVID that Jana was aware of. She had made it a point not to have any face-to-face contact with him while she was working at the hospital. She would leave bags of groceries at the front desk of the YMCA where he was living or slip some cash under his room door. He had never really gotten his life together. Most of his days were spent drinking and smoking and eating very little. He worked on a fishing boat for several years until the captain got tired of his antics. He went on disability due to drinking and tried to get sober several times but could never make it work. He had been married twice and twice divorced after Jana’s mother but had no other children. Jana was it. He would call her “his angel.” She remembered how he yelled this term of endearment two years ago, when she picked him up at the Village Pub. The bartender called her as she had left her number to let her know when he was drunk and out of control. When she opened the bar door, she heard him before she saw him.

“Here is my angel, my Jana, she is a friggin nurse! She is getting friggin married! I’m going to walk to her down the aisle.” He had his arm around her neck limping along. He grinned and even got Jana to crack a smile as she helped him to her car.

Jana closed up the card. A father with his two young daughters were walking the beach. The girls were collecting seashells and rocks and bring them back to their dad. Jana thought about the night the manager from the YMCA called her to tell her dad had died. He passed in his sleep, with a high amount of alcohol in his system. Liver failure was listed as the cause of death but so many things had taken him long ago.

Jana laid down on the rock tucking the sweatshirt she brought with her underneath as a pillow. She downloaded "Otis Redding’s Greatest Hits” onto her iPod and waited for her dad’s song to play. Her mind wandered back to a couple of weeks after her dad’s death. Jake had become frustrated as her mood was more indifferent. She did not seem to care about the wedding or anything for that matter. She often stared into space and pushed him away when he came near her or tried to ask how she was doing. Then one night when she came home from work, he had this candlelight dinner all set up, ‘trying to cheer her up.” She grabbed a piece of chicken, a beer and sat down in front of the TV.

Jake shouted from the dining room, “I don’t get it Jana! Damn, I thought you would be relieved that he was finally gone!”

“What do you mean relieved?” Jana had yelled back, “Relieved like a headache that I have gotten rid of! My father was not a headache! You know what’s a headache? You! You and these stupid plans! I don’t want a wedding! Never did!”

Jake left slamming the door behind him. A few days later they called off the engagement for good and he moved his things out while Jana was at work.

Jana felt a cool breeze move over her face and realized she had fallen asleep. She heard a seagull or was it a willet and she opened her eyes. She stared down at her iPod “Dock of the Bay,” had already played. She pulled the ear buds out of her ears and sat up. She heard a whistle that came from the father who was calling over to one of his girls. She looked out onto the horizon, nothing, not a ship in sight. She looked again at the man who now had his arms wide open as his young daughter ran into them.

Jana smiled as she brushed away the tear that rolled down her cheek and laid her head back down.

Video courtesy of YouTube and the great Otis Redding.

This short story dedicated to all the health workers who have sacrificed so much and often put their own lives on hold including their own grief during this pandemic to care for others.