What is in a name?

There weren’t always dragons in the Valley.

I stare back at the Boston Terrier. Oh crap, what is the answer to the security question again? P-22 gave it to me in the notes he sent me prior to this scheduled meeting. He warned me I might be stopped by this dog. The beloved resident mountain lion of Griffith Park is known for being detail oriented. But despite his best efforts, I’m now blanking, and this could be trouble.

“There weren’t always dragons in the Valley,” the Boston Terrier growls at me again. He gives me a stern glare following his warning.

“Yes,” I reply with a quick bark. I suddenly remember the security question answer! Now, I just need to make sure I don’t garble the answer in response. “There weren’t always dragons in the Valley. But there have always been mountain lions in Griffith Park.”

A broad grin comes to the Boston Terrier’s face. “Oh, okay!” He barks with a laugh.

I’m relieved. I remembered the answer to the security question and barked it correctly.

“You’re cool," he says. "I figured a golden retriever is a good pro-cougar dog. But you know, I would never want to stereotype.” Hollywood Hills dogs dislike stereotyping. Not much different from an Angelino Heights dog like me.

“Trust me, I’m not offended. Read about some Golden Retriever named Angel up in British Columbia who attacked an innocent mountain lion. He got hurt as a result of the fight he provoked. Then, he had the audacity to hail himself as a hero, claiming the mountain lion had attacked him. The news media glorified him too.”

The Boston Terrier shakes his head in disgust. “That dog better stay in British Columbia. He’s not welcome here in the Hollywood Hills.”

I smile. Hollywood Hills dogs are a breed unto themselves. “In any event, you were right to not stereotype and make me answer the security question.”

“We have to be protective of our neighborhood. And our neighbors. Especially our P-22.”

I nod. “So, am I headed in the right direction to find P-22?”

“Just keep heading up Beachwood Canyon Drive till you hit the last dirt path. Turn right there and follow that straight up through Griffith Park till you reach the cave entrance. There will be a big sign post above the entry to the cave that says ‘Elect P-22 to the 191st District of the House of Mountain Lion’. You won’t miss it.”

“Thank you, kind sir.”

“It’s Stitch, not sir. What’s yours?”

“Pony,” I say. “Nice to have met you. Thank you for help with the directions.”

“You said you’re an elections lawyer?”

“That’s right. Campaign finance law too.”

“And you’re here to help P-22?”

“Yes, Stitch.”

“Anything I can do for a dog here to help P-22!” He smiles. “Don’t let me keep you.”

Stitch waves at me as I continue past his yard further up the road into the hills.

I can’t help but be a little bit anxious. This is a big-name client, with quite a reputation. The Hollywood star already sent me a retainer for twice the amount I normally require.

P-22 is wealthy, famous, and known for his commitment to protecting the community. He's a wealthy trust fund kitten who works full-time anyway. And he works not to increase his own wealth but dedicates himself to public service as a law enforcement officer. P-22 is also known for being a big money celebrity client to many professionals.

“Oh, he always pays his bills early,” Jose Luis the Cat, had told me. “He’s the best client I’ve ever had.” An investment portfolio manager and tax accountant, Jose Luis only handles very high wealth clients. We’re neighbors and share office space together.

“He is the easiest client to work with,” Antonio the Bobcat had advised me.

“P-22 is a Hollywood Star,” Sofia the Bobcat, Antonio’s wife, added, “But he’s no prima donna.”

Antonio is an award winning architect. Sofia is an in-demand interior decorator. Together, they have a full service architectural design firm. The bobcats focus on creating elegant yet unpretentious designs. Any wild animal in LA with money who wants to demonstrate good taste hires them for cave remodels.

“He helps us with our annual charity drive, and he's the most generous tipper of our delivery staff,” Amber the Golden Retriever told me.

“You won’t meet a nicer cougar than him,” Whiskey the Golden Retriever, her husband added.

The Golden Retrievers own one of my favorite butcheries and coffee shops in Silverlake. Urban hipsters to their core (like any Silverlake dogs really), Amber and Whiskey are as devoted to their business as they are to their pet humans. But not only good at business, they’re genuinely decent dogs. They know good animals from bad ones. And they sure like P-22.

So do the dogs and cats who live in the neighborhood. As I approach Griffith Park, the lawn signs are EVERYWHERE.

“Vote for My Friend P-22!”

“Elect P-22 to the 191st District!”

“Vote for P-22! A trusted leader and a proven public servant who keeps us safe!”

The signs are at every single home owned by a dog or a cat. The only homes without a P-22 lawn sign all belong to autonomous humans (those who are not pets of dogs and cats).

Lawn signs don’t win elections though. In this election, only mountain lions can vote. There are no other mountain lions in the neighborhood. So even if they could influence voters, they’ll have no impact. The signs are well-meaning but completely pointless.

These proudly non-conformist Hollywood Hills dogs and cats are in for an unpleasant surprise. Their candidate will lose the election. The favorite to win the 191st District is Marjorie the Mountain Lion, a married mom from northern Orange County.

Marjorie is not particularly bright. She’s based most of her campaign on being a mom. (P-22 doesn’t have kittens). She’s also relying on her reputation as a fine felinatarian. She apparently runs a non-profit organization. Though it’s a part-time gig. And it’s not clear what her organization actually does aside from getting wild animals to give massive amounts of money to it. But she has establishment support and a huge fundraising advantage.

Plus, by virtue of living in Griffith Park, P-22 is an urban mountain lion. There are very few of them. Even in the 191st District. Most mountain lions view urban mountain lions as strange, clinging to old ways and using land that most mountain lions long ago ceded to the humans. Mountain lions will vote for those who they think will promote their issues the best. Many doubt P-22 will understand their issues.

Marjorie has another advantage. Like many Angelenos, P-22 also comes from a mixed family. On his father’s side, he comes from wealthy blueblooded stock. The mountain lions once only elected bluebloods to office. Blue blooded mountain lions designed an electoral system that ensured only blueblooded mountain lions could get elected.

The system has fortunately changed. However, the House of Mountain Lion is still largely dominated by blueblooded cougars. Many mountain lions prefer to vote for bluebloods to represent them.

But P-22 reportedly is only half blueblooded. His mother is a non-blueblood mountain lion from a middle class family. Thus, P-22 faces a dual disadvantage. Mountain lions who prefer a blueblood consider P-22 not blueblooded enough, a commoner not worth their votes. Yet middle class and working class mountain lions who dislike and resent blueblooded mountain lions consider P-22 a blueblood by virtue of his infamous father. They won’t vote for him either.

This lawsuit won’t help either. The lawsuit against P-22 is baseless. Marjorie is suing to stop P-22 from claiming he has the endorsements of fellow mountain lions, P-12 and P-45, in his candidate statement. P-12 is the Chief of the Southern Calafia Regional Fire Department. P-45 is a police officer who serves with P-22. I’ve never met either one but I’m quite sure they both endorsed. Marjorie is also suing to stop P-22 from listing himself as a police officer as his candidate designation. She argues that since he donates his salary as a police officer directly to charity every year, he can’t claim the police department pays him. Without a salary, he’s therefore a volunteer, and not a real police officer. The argument is as stupid as it is insulting.

According to Jose Luis, P-22 is the beneficiary of several trusts that his notoriously scandalized father set up for him. P-22 could never work another day in his life if he so chose. But he still wishes to serve his community. It’s all utter nonsense. A cynical attempt to use the court system to gain political advantage over an opponent. I’m going to win on every single claim.

But Marjorie has one potentially winning claim. She’s suing to stop P-22 from using his name on the ballot. Marjorie claims the name P-22 is a fraudulent name to deceive voters. She wants P-22 to run as Henrik the Mountain Lion, his legal birth name.

P-22 is the name that humans who work for the National Park Service gave him when they put a tracking collar on him for their study. However, he never legally changed his name to P-22. Reportedly, all his legal documents remain under the name Henrik the Mountain Lion.

I’ll have to chat about it with him. Sometimes, a client just needs a good talk with their lawyer to understand the realities of a case.

Frankly, I don’t really understand why P-22 would want to go by a name humans gave him.

Henrik the Mountain Lion sounds like a normal sounding name. One that any mountain lion marking their ballot would recognize. P-22? They might think he’s not a mountain lion and on their ballot by mistake. Or they’ll be reminded that he’s that odd Griffith Park cougar. Marjorie is probably doing him a favor by forcing him to run as Henrik the Mountain Lion.

P-22 is far from the first mountain lion to live in Griffith Park. While humans thought they extirpated mountain lions from Los Angeles in the 1940’s, the humans were mistaken. And many mountain lions have resided here in Griffith Park. P-22 is only the first mountain lion to live in Griffith Park who humans know about. The humans absolutely love him. But he’s hardly the first Griffith Park Mountain lion to be adored by other Los Angeles residents. Famous past mountain lion residents were beloved by other local animals. They have shaped local canine and feline politics as well as animal politics throughout California. P-22 won’t win his race against Marjorie. But he has some big paws to fill, even if he somehow pulled off the upset.

As I trot the path and sniff my way to the address, I start to wonder what it was like all those decades ago, on one chilly November night in the 1960s, when dogs finally revolted at the ballot box against their incumbent government. That famous night when dogs in the Dog Republic of Sherman (home of Griffith Park) voted to throw their government out of office. When dogs rose up in political revolution and defied all expectation.

They called it the Sherman Revolution.                                                 

I’ve listened to the old broadcasts of the Sherman Revolution on Dog Radio One, our canine created national news radio channel. We dogs have our own technology. It is how most dogs in California get their news. That election night is one of the most famous in canine history. Every time I listen, I can hear the storied voices of legendary news anchors, Dimbleby (a Black and Tan Cavalier King Charles Spaniel), and Mansbridge (a Canadian type Golden Retriever). Dimbleby and Mansbridge anchored election night broadcasts. Their soothing barks filled the airwaves. They didn’t just report the news. Those dogs were the news.

“The Peace and Freedom Party has already gained 8 seats on the Republic of Sherman Council,” Dimbleby had barked over the radio. “Even if they win no more, this is a seismic political shift. And it begs the question as to what dogs elsewhere will think of these results. The Peace and Freedom Party ran on full equality between domesticated dogs and strays. They campaigned on creating agencies to lobby the humans for public policies that dogs want. They promised to implement a common currency with the cats. Even more strangely, they ran on a platform of full gender equality and rights for homosexual dogs. And lest I forget, their main promise was to make the hunting of wild bears and mountain lions illegal. If successful, they would ban dogs from working as hunting hounds. This is a radical departure from canine ideology.”

“I think at this point,” Mansbridge had barked in reply, “it’s safe to say that the dogs in the Republic of Sherman are in full on rebellion. There is no other way to describe it.”

“And to think, Mansbridge, this morning, the President of Sherman sounded confident. He had the read the polls as much as we did and expected a smashing, thumping victory. He even described his main election opposition as nothing more than, and I quote, ‘the forces of faggotry teaming up with a bunch of shrews and mangey strays to demand a taxpayer funded love affair with an unruly mountain lion.’"

“Well, Dimbleby, judging by the reaction of West Los Angeles, Beverly Hills, and Hollywood Hills dogs who turned out to vote today, I think that the President’s comment this morning was probably ill-advised."

“But is this result truly a response to his comments?”

“It goes deeper than that and it shakes up canine society. The Peace and Freedom Party is running female dogs and openly homosexual dogs. Something no political party has done before. These candidates are not just getting elected, they are winning every single race. As the decision desk numbers just updated for me, we continue to see massive swings in hillside seats in favor of dogs who ran on supporting a mountain lion hunting ban. And we have not projected Brentwood Glen yet, but barring some late turnaround for the incumbent, it looks like the stray will win his race.”

“Now, wasn’t he the candidate who claimed to work for that Griffith Park mountain lion?”

“He is not the only one. There are actually several dogs running tonight who are allegedly employees. Including two of the female dogs who we projected early on as winners in East Hollywood seats, Melrose Hill and Colesgrove. That mountain lion may account for the results tonight. He factored heavily in the races for the Griffith Park seats.”

“Extraordinary. You would imagine that dogs who lived in the vicinity of a mountain lion would want that mountain lion removed. Most dogs would assume he threatened their public safety.”

“Apparently, that messaging did not work in Sherman. And, as I look at our election results ticker, I can report some breaking news. We can now project that Brentwood Glen has gone to the Peace and Freedom Party. The stray candidate has won. We are researching whether he is the first stray to ever win an election to office in a canine republic.”

“The election of a stray dog may be perhaps the most shocking news that we report to the dogs at sister stations in New York City, London, and Tokyo.”

Listening to the old broadcast, one can hear the cheers of the thousands of cheering dogs and cats gathered at the Hollywood Bowl. They had so much excitement and hope, having accomplished the unthinkable. Decades later and even through the broadcast, the energy still comes through. I like to listen to broadcasts of the Sherman Revolution whenever I feel down.

I live in the Dog Republic of Westlake, which is next to the Republic of Sherman. Today, both belong to the greater Republic of Calafia. Though both canine republics are united today, we retain our independence too. The Republic of Sherman has always been a center of canine business, culture, arts, and science. Dogs in the Republic of Westlake always looked to Sherman dogs as role models. Dogs in our republic witnessed what the Sherman dogs did in the Sherman Revolution. Less than a year later, we followed the Sherman Revolution and threw out our own government in favor of reformist dogs. But we never would have if the Sherman dogs hadn’t done the unthinkable first.

The Sherman Revolution changed the course of history for animals in California. If one ever doubts that, I’m on my way tonight to go represent a mountain lion in his own quest for election. And I don’t have to worry about how he’ll pay me. Or if he’ll eat me.

If there’s one regret that I feel whenever listening to radio broadcasts of the Sherman Revolution I’ve never had the opportunity to change political history in the same way. I can take a mountain lion client as a client, and I don’t have to worry how he’ll pay me for services rendered. I don’t have to worry about hunting because we made the humans get rid of it. All the animals cooperate today. I wonder what it’d be like to have been the lawyer for that Griffith Park mountain lion back then. What it might it have been like to have been one of the dogs who helped lead the Sherman Revolution? Probably took gumption and smarts far beyond what I possess.

“You must be Pony!” A friendly shout interrupts my train of thought.

I recognize the large and very handsome male mountain lion standing outside the cave entrance with a broad smile. As I’ve seen in the photos, he has a red tag in his ear and a human-made radio collar around his neck.

“And you must be Officer P-22!” I bark. “It’s nice to finally meet you in person! I’ve heard so many great things about you!”

P-22 blushes. “You can just call me P-22. Did you have any trouble getting past Stitch?”

“Nope. I remembered the security question answer you gave me.”

“Oh good. Stitch runs the local neighborhood watch. He is VERY protective. Nice dog, but he takes neighborhood security seriously.”

“I don’t blame him. I’m the exact same way. Angelino Heights wouldn’t be a safe or desirable community if us dogs and cats didn’t look out for it.”

“Stitch is very protective of me. He’s been volunteering for the campaign. And he’s infuriated over Marjorie’s lawsuit over my name. Even more than I am!”

“Your name?”

“She wants me to run as Henrik the Mountain Lion. It’s totally insulting! My name is P-22. That’s the name everyone calls me now and how all the animals in Los Angeles know me. The only one who still calls me Henrik is my mom, Christy the Mountain Lion. And I let her call me Henrik because she’s my mom and I love her.”

“Well, maybe Marjorie is trying to mother you. She seems to be basing her entire campaign on motherhood. Perhaps she wants to show voters that you can be her surrogate son.”

“I already have one mom. I don’t need another.” P-22 glares, clearly not finding my attempt at humor to be funny. “Besides, she might be stubborn in her old age, but my mom is the best in the world. I’m even making sure she can live out her golden retirement years in comfort and security. I even bought a cavern for her in Elysian Park to live in if I ever persuade her to move east of the 405.”

"I know Elysian Park! I live right nearby in Angelino Heights!" It's nice of P-22 to do that. According to Jose Luis. P-22 ensures that all his mom’s bills are paid. It essentially thwarted the attempts of his father to defraud her.

“Yes, Angelino Heights is quite lovely from the few times I've visited. Anyway, most of this lawsuit doesn’t concern me. I don’t practice elections law but a lot of it seems specious and little more than an attempt by her to make me spend money. Not that I mind. From everything I’ve heard from Whiskey, Amber, Jose Luis, Antonio, and Sofia, you’re one of LA’s finest dogs. They also speak very highly of you as an attorney. And their opinions matter. But my name is important to me. I can’t run as anything other than P-22.”

“And if the court forces you to run as Henrik the Mountain Lion?”

“It’ll basically end our campaign. We’ve already got all our campaign literature printed. And we don’t have the campaign funds to print all new literature. This is a grassroots campaign. We’re refusing all corporate donations. Mountain lions will get literature telling them to vote for P-22, only to then not see my name on the ballot. We’ll lose before a single ballot is mailed in.”

Hmmm. This might be a far tougher case than I initially realized. I suppose that’s the risk of taking on a mountain lion as a client. The only claim that Marjorie could prevail on seems to be the only one that he cares about.

A look of concern crosses P-22’s face. “Pony, I haven’t offered you anything to eat or drink yet. It’s very rude of me. Come inside, let me get you something to eat or drink.” He motions for me to follow him into his cave.

As I follow him, I realize this could be one tough client and one difficult case. But maybe it offers an opportunity I've always wanted. It’s showtime now.