Underneath The Stars: Chapter One.

I hadn't spoken to my boyfriend Matt since the day he broke up with me over my depression. I had been keeping my emotions trapped deep inside me, after all,

who wants to speak to the girl who always cries and creates depressing conversations?

I had started a really stupid argument with him. Matt had gone to the shops on Thursday night. The traffic was really bad, and he didn't come in until three hours later.

I felt paranoid and I accused him of having an affair. Matt had always been more than honest with me since the start of our relationship, and I knew that he loved me. He had never been out for longer than he said he would be without a good reason.

I missed one important factor. The traffic on the roads was horrendous on Thursday night. There had been reports about traffic jams and crashes in the news, including delays that went on for at least four hours.

Matt had tried hard to make me understand that he had been telling the truth, but for some reason, I had felt the need to call him out on everything.

I had changed from the girl who could talk about anything and have fun to the girl who cried, questioned everything, and didn't want to talk or listen to anybody else's point of view. I had started to get angry with everything and anyone, for no logical reason.

I had lost friends who I had loved for years because they couldn't understand me anymore.

I couldn't understand me anymore.

I had spoken to my doctor who put me on antidepressants. He told me,

"Take these for a week, then make an appointment to see me.

I never saw the point in taking the medication. I had always been told that I shouldn't need a tablet to feel well.

I don't understand why the doctor thinks that I am depressed, because there is nothing in my life to be depressed about.

It came out of the blue, with no real cause.

I am lying on a blanket underneath the stars in Bluebell Field, which is where I go when I feel sad. That term 'sad' is perhaps a wrong name, because I had nothing to feel sad about until that awful argument with Matt. I curl up and sink my head into a soft pillow, and I cry.

I feel embarrassed while I am crying, so I try to stop myself in case I'm not alone. If someone heard me, I'd feel completely stupid.

"How am I going to fix this?" I ask myself.

I have been fixing things for the last five years.

I have always felt as though everything is my fault, and that I have to fix everything.

It's okay though; it's not good to leave things broken, and if I lose Matt, I will lose my world.

I ponder the question in my mind, several times. I can't find an answer that would help me, and it feels like I'm falling down a black pit with no way out.

The next question I ask myself is,

"Did Matt deserve such an outburst from me? Could he be telling the truth?"

One minute I can trust myself to know he is telling the truth, but the next minute, I can't.

I can't get the thought that he might have cheated out of my head; even though I have nothing to say otherwise.

Shortly after this, my brain starts to run through everything I did wrong, and everything that is wrong with me,

"I shouldn't have cried"

"If I'd been a better person, then I would be fine"

"I should have done better at school"

"I need to change my personality, then people will like me"

"I should get a better job, then I'll be worth more"

"I need to be tougher."

I can't stop the loud thoughts. It's like a switch has turned on and got stuck inside my brain.

In between sobs, I finally breathe. I take a good look at the stars.

They look so peaceful, just sitting in the sky twinkling. It looks quieter up there compared to my noisy life on this Earth.

I wish I could live amongst them.

I finally get up and make my way home, and when I get there,

Matt isn't there.