Um, Yeah. About that...

Ted! Those bastards are right over the next ridge. We'll never make it to the checkpoint in time.

Buck up, Carl, we can do it. Keep your head down and I'll check it out. I think I see an opening right GAAAAGGH! I'm hit!

Ted! Ted, stay with me!

Ugh. How bad is it?

I'm not sure. There's a lot of blood. Put this on it and apply some pressure, I'll get a medic.

Carl, wait! Before you go, there's something I need to tell you. You know, in case I don't make it.

Shut up, Ted, you'll be fine. Just let me get a medic.

Dammit, Carl! We don't bullshit each other; we've been friends too long for that. I need you to listen. *cough*

Okay Ted. Okay.

Listen, Carl. If I don't make it, I want you to have my Trans Am. We've watched Smokey and The Bandit every year since we were twelve, and I know how much you love that car. Now it's yours.

Um, yeah. About that.

What?

So, you know how you shipped out a week before me? You even gave me the old, "grizzled veteran" pep-talk when I got here? Well, before I left, I sort of took the Trans Am out for one last joy ride.

You WHAT? What happened?

I, uh...how should I put this? I rolled it. Like, six times.

Oh my god!

No, no, no! It's okay! I was thrown clear after the first roll; I was barely scratched! I guess it's true what they say about drunks and angels, right Ted?

Dammit, Carl! *cough* *cough* I spent two years restoring that car! I was ggAAGGHH!

Ted, calm down. You'll re-open your wound! I gotta get the medics!

Wait, Carl. Ungh! Look, It's okay. I wasn't finished. Forget about the car, it's just a car. We've been friends for too long to let that come between us now, but listen; I can feel myself getting weaker. I need you to do something for me. It's important.

Of course, Ted. Anything, just let me get the medic first!

No, wait! *cough* *cough* Listen, It's about Gabby. I gotta be sure she'll be okay if I don't make it. So many guys have had their eyes on her, but there's no one I could ever trust more than you to look after her when I'm gone. Will you do that for me, Carl? Please will you take care of Gabby!

Uh, yeah. About that.

Wh...what?

So, the thing is, we had planned to tell you a while ago. But then you got orders and I got orders and we figured we would wait until after the deployment.

Wait for what? What the hell are you saying, Carl?

Well you see, I've been sort of "taking care of Gabby" for a while now, if you know what I mean.

What? *cough* *cough* *cough* You and Gabby? Oh my GOD! When? How? How long has this been going on?

Uh, sort of since Senior year.

Senior year of college?!!??! That long?

Um, high school, actually...

GAAHAHHHHHHHGGH!

Ted! Ted, stay with me! Ted!

Ugn. Bastard. Ungh.

Ted, I'm sorry! We wanted to tell you sooner, but the time never seemed right.

Like NOW seems right? You asshole!

Jeeze, I'm sorry Ted.

*cough* *cough* Never mind. It doesn't matter. I love her, and I've always loved you, so I guess if it had to happen, *cough* it's just as well. I... I forgive you.

Thanks, Ted. I'm really sorry. I promise, I'll GAAGHH! Son of a b...!

No, Carl! My god, Carl! Are you hit?

No, a freakin' mosquito bit me! Vicious little monsters! All the poor bastards bleeding out on this battlefield you'd think they'd leave the healthy people alone for a change. Oh, crap. Sorry, Ted.

Forget it. Dammit Carl, I'm slipping. I really need you to do at least one thing for me.

Anything, brother. I owe you for that whole "Gabby thing," from before.

"Gabby thing?" Mother-F...*cough* *cough*, dammit! Forget it! I just need one promise from you in case I don't pull through.

Name it.

I need you...*cough* I need you to take care of Ted Junior. If I don't make it, I want you to treat him like he's your own son.

Yeah. Um. About that...

WHAT!?!???

See, the thing is... you remember how we were all so surprised how big he was, since he was almost two months premature?

*cough* Dammit, Carl...

It's kind of related to that whole "Gabby thing" that you were SO cool about, by the way, and that business trip you made to Vancouver.

That's it, Carl! I'm not dying! I'm gonna *cough* *cough* live! I'm gonna kick your ass every week for as long as...Carl? What the hell, Carl? Put that away, you bastard before I rip it out of your hand and poke out your eyes you fu... GHHAAACK!

...Ted?

Uhhhnn...

Ted? You doing okay there, buddy?

...hhuuunnn...

Ted?

...

Teddy?

...

...

...

Medic!