Twisted Tales for Toilet Time: Volume II, Part II

Stanley’s Theorem

Greetings, my name is Reginald Templeton, the creator of Stanley’s Theorem. You are reading this because you have signed on to take part in our tests. You are either someone named Stanley, know someone named Stanley, or fall into the minority group of people that are not named Stanley and do not know someone called Stanley.

Stanley’s theorem states that all people fall into one of these three categories, and that the majority of people will naturally transition from state three (3: A person or persons not named Stanley, AND do not know another person named Stanley) and state two (2: A person or persons knowing another person named Stanley) at some point in their life.

Currently research suggests that the transition is involuntary, and the individual has no control over the state they find themselves in. We have seen rare cases of people going to extreme measures to force their transition from state three to state two.

Research is currently underway to determine whether someone can shift between state three and state 1, however the funds for this research have been difficult to gain due to the inherent danger of the research and risk to test subjects. There have been rumours of a successful transition of this nature in Denmark, however there has been no scientific confirmation.

From the data we have examined so far it seems that no one in state one (1: A Person or persons named Stanley) has ever desired to transition to another state, but the cause of this is unknown at this time.

For the experiment you have volunteered for, you must simply submit your answer to the following questionnaire.

(Please answer all questions to receive your free potato skin)

Question Four: Which state best describes your position within Stanley’s Theorem?

1. State Two (2): A person or persons knowing another person named Stanley.
2. State Three (3): A person or persons not named Stanley, AND do not know another person named Stanley.
3. State One (1): A Person or persons named Stanley.

Question A: Do you wish to transition from your current state to another state?

Yes

No

Final Question: Would you consider a donation to The Stanley’s Theorem Institute of Research and Funds For Yeti Searches (S.T.I.R. F.R.Y.S) *Any donation over $3.70 is tax deductible.

Yes

Question 1: Are you of Yeti or Cryptid origins?

• Yes
• No
• Prefer not to say

End of Questionnaire.

Thank you for talking to time to answer our questions and helping raise awareness of Stanley’s Theorem.

The Pugrel Problem

From the desk of Imhotep Klopper II,

I must warn you of a strange blight infesting gardens and towns of late… Pugrels.

Have you ever seen a Pugrel? You might not be aware that it was one until much later. I suppose some of you might be asking, ‘What is a Pugrel?’ To be fair I wasn’t even aware of them till very recently.

So… how to explain them…

Imagine a cat, well, a kitten. Actually imagine more of a puppy with the eyes, nose, ears, and teeth of a kitten. But the body, paws, and temperament of a well trained pup. The key difference between a Pugrel and a puppy, apart from the kitten-like aspects of its face. Its tail is a small coiled spring-like shape, and it can bounce on it. However they rarely bounce on their tails.

They are on average, the size of a large chicken, and are found mostly in the backyards of city areas, where they are usually mistaken for dogs or cats, or sometimes city foxes.

This is one reason it can be hard to know if you have encountered a Pugrel, it very well may have just been a stray cat, or a neighbour’s dog. Often they will go through gardens, looking for fresh citrus plants and sometimes the bins of a household searching for scraps of pumpkin skin and the discarded ends of carrots.

While predominantly herbivorous creatures, they will eat meat if there is no other food source around, which could be the answer if your child is missing their pet guinea pig. It is rare for them to attack humans, but when cornered they will bite at pinky toes until the threat is gone.

Now, if you ever meet a Pugrel, I urge you to do two things. Firstly, ensure it has been well fed before approaching, if unsure place some carrot tips near the last place you saw the Pugrel. One thing to note is that they do prefer the ends of dutch carrots with the large green ends. Secondly, try to catch the Pugrel, use a small bucket or cage if required. Once caught, immediately smash with a hammer and place the remains in the recycling bin for the next collection. (Do check that it is a Pugrel and not a neighbour’s pet before doing this.)

DO NOT under any circumstances allow the Pugrel to stare directly into your eyes, otherwise you may end up talking about imaginary creatures called Pugrels for the rest of your life.