Twisted Tales for Toilet Time: Part V

Mr Fox’s Breakfast

One morning, Mr Fox was cooking some eggs on toast for breakfast while camping by a lake. This particular fox liked his eggs over easy, however as he had quite a difficult time lighting a fire to cook with, and even more trouble cracking the eggs into a pan… let alone finding a pan to use, so he decided he wouldn’t worry too much if they weren’t perfectly cooked eggs.

As the eggs cooked, a Platypus approached the fox’s makeshift kitchen by the lake and greeted him with a small nod.

“Morning Mr Fox.”

“Morning Mrs Platypus.”

They greeted each other as Mr Fox slid the eggs onto some freshly toasted bread just off the flames. He was quite hungry this morning but thought it would be best to be polite and offer his guest some breakfast too.

“Would you like to join me for breakfast?” He asked.

Offering one of the eggs on toast out on a large leaf towards Mrs Platypus.

“I’ll split them with you if you like.”

Mrs Platypus looked at the egg being offered to her, back to Mr Fox, then back to the egg. The fox didn’t understand what the problem could be until she spoke.

“Those are my eggs.”

Miss Tarantula’s Lunch

The web of interconnected strings that formed the home of Miss Tarantula began to vibrate and almost hum with activity as something struggled to free itself from their sticky grip. The movement awoke the tarantula from a mid morning nap she had taken, and yawning she started to make her way towards the source of the activity.

As she started to make her way down the large web, the struggle of whatever was stuck in her trap was growing more erratic and becoming increasingly more panicked.

“What delicious treat is waiting for me today?” Said Miss Tarantula as she readied herself for her lunch time morsel.

She saw in the corner of her web, a small grasshopper struggling to break free from the grip of the strings of webbing, desperate to bound away with its powerful legs.

“My, my… I’ve not eaten grasshopper in some time.” She said, licking her lips.

“Wait, please don’t eat me!” Cried the grasshopper. It was a young male grasshopper, looking at some of Miss Tarantula’s eyes with a pleading look.

“If you promise to let me go, I can grant you two wishes!” Said the young grasshopper. “Grasshoppers have a little magic in them, if you will free me I will grant you anything you wish for!”

Miss Tarantula stopped, thinking for a moment. Wondering if there was anything she desired?

“You’ll grant me any two wishes?” She asked.

“That’s right, one for each of my legs, you just need to free a leg for me to grant the wish.”

“Well, let me see.” She pondered as she released one of the grasshoppers legs from her web.

“I wish for my venom to be deadly to human kind.”

The young grasshopper looked at her with concern, but nodded and wiggled his free leg.

“It is granted. What is your second wish?”

Miss Tarantula freed his other leg and spoke quickly.

“I wish to be the size of an elephant!” She cried with glee.

With horror at what he was about to unleash on the world around him, the grasshopper wiggled his second leg. Before he could say it was done, Miss Tarantula was already starting to grow exponentially.

That day, Miss Tarantula discovered a new type of lunch meat.

Mrs Badger’s Dinner

Once in a small wood there was an abandoned den on the side of a hill. Inside this den there lived a family of Badgers. There was Mr and Mrs Badger, and their two children, after many years the young Badgers grew up and left the den to pursue their own lives and families. Soon after Mr Badger’s retirement he started to forget things quite a bit, until one day after going out fishing, he forgot where he lived and never returned home.

Mrs Badger waited at the table with dinner cooked and ready for hours and hours, which turned into days, then into weeks, and eventually a whole year had passed. Still every day Mrs Badger made dinner for her and Mr Badger, laid the table for the two of them, and waited patiently for him to come home.

One evening, just as she was setting the table for dinner, there was a loud knock on the door. Thinking Mr Badger had come home finally, she rushed to the door and opened it.

“Where have you been?” She started to say, “Wait. You’re not my Badger!”

Staring at her from the darkness outside were two sets of glowing yellow eyes, and Mrs Badger could hear a soft growl coming from their direction. It was some wolves that had recently moved into the area. Their growls grew louder and the eyes seemed to enlarge in the darkness.

Mrs Badger didn’t know what to do as she stared into the eyes of these hunters right on her doorstep, she backed away a little back into her den.

One of them stepped forward into the porch light, revealing a surprisingly soft and kind looking female wolf’s face.

“Hello dear, we’re your new neighbours, we noticed you live alone and thought you might enjoy company for dinner. Mrs Wolf said with a smile.

Mrs Badger sighed a breath of relief, and blushed a little, embarrassed by her assumptions about the wolves.

“Oh thank you, that would be lovely.” She said, welcoming them into her home.

“Dinner’s just about ready, you make yourselves comfy and I’ll be right back.” She added, hustling off to the kitchen.

“Quite a nice den.” Said Mrs Wolf to Mr Wolf.

“Indeed.” Said Mr Wolf.

They stayed and talked with Mrs Badger well into the evening, all the time wondering where they would put their two Badger skin rugs when they moved in.

Master Puffins’s Supper

A young Puffin called Torvill was living with his parents, Mr and Mrs Puffin. Torvill the Puffin loved chocolate biscuits, but his mother would only let him have them for his birthday. The rest of the year he had fish and sometimes Mr Puffin would bring home hamburgers for dinner for a surprise.

One Thursday he decided to sneak some chocolate biscuits from the biscuit jar and hide them in his room, he would have them for a sneaky supper after he was sent to bed. He almost got got at one point, but managed to keep the biscuit gathering secret, so when it came to go to bed on this particular Thursday there were no arguments about more TV time. Torvill went straight to bed, and laid there awake and waiting, he wanted to be sure his parents were sound asleep before enjoying his special supper.

A few hours passed, and being sure he wouldn’t be caught now, Torvill began to gorge on the biscuits he had acquired during the day. One after one he crunched and chewed them all done, until there was just one small bite left. He savoured this last bite, confident he would do this again. Soon however, the sugar rush hit him and he could not fall asleep for hours and hours. He tried reading, playing a video game with the sound off, he still had so much energy. He decided to go for a long run, thinking if he got caught on the way out, or coming back he could just say he was training for cross country.

He went for his run in the early hours of Friday morning and has not been seen since.

The local community became awash with various theories and speculation as to what happened to Torvill. Some believe a local predator took him for breakfast, others insist that some humans ate him on that very Friday with fried potato, believing Puffins to be fish.

The fate of Torvill may never be known.

His mother reported Torvill stole twelve biscuits from the jar.

Mr Fox’s Second Breakfast

The silence between them was almost unbearable. Mr Fox stood there arm outstretched holding a platypus egg on toast, in front of him was Mrs Platypus. He never made the connection till she said those words, now ringing through his mind in a constant loop. He had taken a large bite of his own egg on toast right as she said it.

“Those are my eggs.”

The shame.

“Those are my eggs.”

The guilt.

“Those are my eggs.”

He dropped the egg and toast he had offered out.

He didn’t know what to do. When news of this got out he would be run out of the woods for sure, there was an unspoken rule about such things.

Mr Fox’s mind raced until he settled on the best course of action.

He looked around and saw no one else by the lake…

Mr Fox lunged at Mrs Platypus and with a quick bite and flick of the head her body was now still on the ground. He quickly ate her, being careful to avoid the poisonous spurs on her hind legs and then disposed of the remains in the lake and watched them float away.

He saw the spare egg and toast on the ground.

“Those are my eggs.” Still echoed in his mind.

“Well… waste not.” He said as he ate the egg and toast before leaving the area.