Tuna Can

CAMERON: Where did you come from?

ABBEY: Sydney. You?

CAMERON: Melbourne.

ABBEY: Ha. Those were the days. Well, when cities were real cities.

CAMERON: Whatever do you mean?

ABBEY: Now, don’t you be coy with me. The days before... the Apocalypse. Ha, look over there- I love the changes they've done with the Opera House. It looks great up in flames.

CAMERON: Ha. Don’t be coy you say? Anyway, did your family make it?

ABBEY: No. Not my biological family anyway.

CAMERON: Married?

ABBEY: Almost.

CAMERON: Yeah, me too.

ABBEY: A pity.

CAMERON: Watch out! Asteroid!

ABBEY: Ooft. *Cough cough* Thanks. By now, I thought I would be used to these asteroids. But still, I can't seem to normalize it, all the chaos.

CAMERON: Just like they all failed to 'normalize' Climate Change.

ABBEY: Too soon.

CAMERON: Well, it’s been two years. Not many people are left. Not much humor out there. Come to think of it, you, miss, are the first person I have seen in months.

ABBEY: You’re right, sorry, forgive me. I haven’t seen anyone else, since, well, March 2020.

CAMERON: What did you do, back when, uh the world was, well the world.

ABBEY: I had a shop. I sold cardigans made from fine sheep's wool, and cross-stitching. It was a humble business, but I did what I could to support my Father.

CAMERON: Interesting. I knew a few people in that line of work.

ABBEY: Oh yeah? Random. What did you do?

CAMERON: I owned a bakery. We made bread. All kinds of bread; loaves, rolls, baguettes, you name it, we sold it. Mine was the best bakery in the city. I ran it as a tight business and had a profitable income. I didn't allow any slacking off on my watch. If you are not prepared to work hard and fight to be the best, then you better be ready to leave. I came to be the most prestigious bakery in town. I just couldn't have a single competitor near me.

ABBEY: …I see. Well, uh, good for you. Speaking of bread, have you managed to find any food? I haven’t eaten in fourteen days.

CAMERON: Oh no. Last I ate was some Doritos I found inside a broken vending machine and a single Sardine. I’ll tell ya, one Sardine helped me last a few weeks. Anyway, this was all fifteen days ago. But I haven’t had a proper meal since May.

ABBEY: Well, you’re doing pretty good. I last ate a handful of M&M’s and a single Sardine. Go figure, those little rippers are super filling. I know all these bits of food wouldn’t be the slightest like your bakery’s finest cuisine, but honestly, I felt so blessed to able to find anything out in the Western Suburbs.

CAMERON: Blessed, pfft.

ABBEY: What did you say?

CAMERON: Nothing.

ABBEY: No, you did. I heard it. Come on, spit it out.

CAMERON: I just said, “pfft”, ok.

ABBEY: Well forgive me if my slight optimism offends your good senses.

CAIN: Good senses. Good senses! We are in the Apocalypse, woman! Asteroids have been smashing into Earth for near thirty months- most of the population is dead, those who are alive are suffering burn injuries of every kind as the planet is literally, and I mean, quite literally, on fire! The ground itself is all rubble and remnants of buildings. Not to mention food and resources are running out and you’re telling me off, for being snarky about your completely ill-placed and naïve optimism! Good senses, my arse.

ABELINA: Hm, hm hm hmm hm hmm hmm.

CAMERON: Are you humming a song?

ABBEY…. Sorry it’s, just

CAMERON: What?

ABBEY: “We didn’t start the fire! It was always burning since the world’s been turning! We didn’t start the fi-re!"*

CAMERON: ….Billy Joel?

ABBEY: I tried to resist. Come on, we’re right near the Opera House. Oh hey, come back! Look, I am sorry, but I see no reason to let these events, these things outside of our control, turn us into completely savage human beings! With what time I have left, I want to be happy and be me. Where are you going?

CAMERON: Shhh!

ABBEY: What?

CAMERON: I said shhh! I see something glimmering under that rock over there, but there are a couple of dogs nearby, I don’t want them to take it.

ABBEY: Oh, no worries! Here boys! Here boys, come on, who’s a good boy, you're a good boy! Here fetch! See, those dogs should be gone for a while.

CAMERON: Wait, come back!

ABBEY: Oh my!

CAMERON: Hang on, is that?

ABBEY: Tuna!

CAMERON: Tuna?

ABBEY: TUNA!

CAMERON: Canned tuna?

ABBEY: Canned tuna!!!!

CAMERON: CANNED TUNA!

ABBEY: Praise be!

CAMERON: Eureka! This is my lucky day!

ABBEY: Hahaha! What a time to be alive!

CAMERON: This is glorious – let me kiss that can!

ABBEY: I am SO hungry!

CAMERON: Me too!

ABBEY: Here, let me open it.

CAMERON: You?

ABBEY: Why not?

CAMERON: It’s just that, I spotted it. I want it.

ABBEY: Wait, why don’t we both have some?

CAMERON: Come on, it’s only a can. Tuna is not that filling. This isn't one of those little ripper sardine boys. This tuna will be best utilized if only one of us has it. That one person being the person who found it.

ABBEY: Hang on. You may have seen it but, I grabbed it.

CAMERON: Yes, after I told you it was there. And then you handed it to me.

ABBEY: You wanted to kiss it!

CAMERON: Finders keepers.

ABBEY: Losers weepers!

CAMERON: Yeah, so go cry and hum your songs over near the Opera House, hun.

ABBEY: Hun? You don’t even know my name, jerk!

CAMERON: Listen. It's my tuna now. Go, find your own.

ABBEY: Seriously, I think we should just, share it, ration it between us.

CAMERON: Look, I meant what I said. This is the Apocalypse. No time for optimism. Every person for themself.

ABBEY: But if you could just…

CAMERON: I want it, ok.

ABBEY: Come on…

CAMERON: Don’t! Stop touching the tuna!

ABBEY: Maybe just, calm down…

CAMERON: Get your hands off my tuna!

ABBEY: But…

CAMERON: LET GO OF THE TUNA!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

ABBEY: …… we…*cough*……didn’t…start…*cough*…..the..fiireee….*cough*

CAMERON: Wait! No. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I didn’t mean to… I didn’t mean to push you! AHH, you landed… on a …. metal pipe! Oh gosh…. you’re impaled! Hey! Wake up. Wake up! Miss! MISS! Uh, what's your name! What's your name! I didn’t even get to know your name! Ah, maybe you have some ID? Not in there…. what is that in your hand? A locket? I am so sorry! I am so sorry. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. This locket. It's a heart-shaped locket? So familiar. I gave this to a woman. To my fiancé before this Apocalypse. How do you have it? I just assumed she was ….dead. Because of the Apocalypse….Wait, it couldn’t be. It couldn’t be. Tell me no. No no no-no-no. What’s inside? What is inside! There’s a photo. There’s a photo inside! Here it is! A photo of…. us. No-no-no. Abbey! Ahhhhhhhhhhh. How could I have done this! My darling fiancé. The burn injuries… I just, I didn’t recognize you… I didn’t know! Quick, take the tuna! You have it. Wake up! Here, I can open it. Have some tuna, eat it, darling, please! See? It's open now. I can spoon it. Ready? Wait….wait. This isn't even tuna….it's not a tuna can... it's those little rippers... it's sardines.

END

*Lyrics to Billy Joel's song 'We Didn't Start the Fire'.