True Big Girl Blues

Big girls always leave work last or next to last, but never first. You never know when you could be missing out on something that will change your life or workload. Not that I want to not be a manager or anything like that…

I wear the same work Carhartt blue coveralls to work everyday and wash them once a week, so I can get the oil out. Kirkland laundry detergent works just fine. That and a little OxiClean stain remover. Everything smells so fresh and clean.

I get off at 9:00 PM, it’s the weekend, and I am still looking to go out tonight. It’s time to rush home and take a bath in some castile soap to wash all of the impurities from my body. This and a little bit of bath salts helps to make sure my skin is soft and smells fresher than a baby’s bottom.

I pull out my blue sequin mini dress from out the closet and pair it with my six inch open toe heels— you know the ones with strap buckles. This seems like a layered half wig type of night. I flat iron the front of my hair to make sure it blends in with the hair of the wig. Perfect! I am going to wear pink lipstick tonight. I finish my look with blue eyeshadow and blue earrings. I don’t have a blue handbag, but I have a black handbag from Michael Kors. I put on some Charlie perfume by Revlon.

Tonight, I’m going to the Funny Bones, a comedy club on 5th Avenue. I walk in and almost all the seats are taken, but the ones on the front row. Most people would assume that you would want to sit in the front row, right? Not tonight…

The stand-up comic appears to be a new one. I make my way to the front and he doesn’t say anything to me— most comics are known for making fun of people who are late to the show. He just ignores me. The show ends at 1:00 PM.

I stick around to see who I can meet after the show—not on a group tip, but for future casual dating purposes—maybe even a friend. There are a lot of young men there, but none really tickle my fancy. I decided to leave, but not go home.

There is a coffee shop down the street that stays up until 3:00 AM sometimes, but not all of the time. I will need some caffeine to get home. I grab a spicy latte and sit down at a table. This coffee shop feels more like a nightclub on occasion— a lot of people come here from the nightclub. Men dressed in their coolest attire, women dressed in their highest heels.

The comedian from Funny Bones walks in and shakes hands with a few of the men and women at the coffee shop. I have never seen him here before. Maybe they know of him from another location or maybe he performs at Funny Bones often and I have never been there to see it.

I look at him and he looks at me, but doesn’t stop shaking hands and speaking with the people around him. I hope he doesn’t expect me to approach him at this time. I look away. I order a pastry and some green tea to even out my caffeine consumption. I sit back down at the same table.

He is still at the coffee shop and our eyes lock, but still he does not approach me. The way he is looking at me would warrant a “hello” from him, but nothing…

It’s time for me to go home— I look at him, take my final cup of green tea and give him the cheers symbol with my cup. As I walk to my car, he says “Hey you! You forgot something!” I turn around to see what I forgot and he hands me a piece of paper. The paper has a telephone number and a name, “Todd.”