Tree Salad

You do not have to be vegan or vegetarian to consume this salad since it is universal, actually only for Earthlings, except for trees. I doubt they will like this salad since it would be somewhat cannibalistic on their part if they do. We have known the feel, taste, and fill of human meat throughout our history during lean times and when it was believed to contain one’s essence and strength. These facts always amazed me. How ignorant were we? How keen on bloody flesh and licking bones were our not-so-remote ancestors? There breathed brainless cannibals in the last century, notwithstanding the demented variety who had their freaking minutes of fame. Hannibal Lecter was just the cinematic version. But this recipe is for a tree salad, not a human one. I have no recipe for human flesh, except to kiss, lick, and bite it when in love.

First, you have to select the tree, or trees if you want a mixed tree salad. There is also the issue of deciduous only when in season versus evergreen all year round. Let us start with the deciduous variety. The banyan tree is a beauty in any salad. I have seen such majestic trees in Hawai’i. I had to sit down to take them in. The Honolulu Zoo is filled with them. I often went there more for them than for the poor animals. The banyan tree begins its life as an epiphyte, which means that its seed germinates and thrives in the crevice of another tree or plant, eventually overtaking its host tree or plant and killing it entirely. It is like when humans moved into other humans’ lands, overtook them, and killed them. We are experts at that too. We can even use the banyan’s leaves as plates.

The black ash tree is another deciduous delicacy, especially that it is close to extinction because of you know who and a nasty little bug called the emerald ash borer. The wood of the black ash tree is used to make electric and bass guitars. Here is a new way to look at some musical instruments. We have to hurry if we want it fresh in our salad, or we can always consume an old unknown guitar.

The white ash tree is in the same dire position as its sibling, but at least no guitar, as far as I know, is made of its carcass. It tastes even better in a salad when it is mixed with the black one. I guess that it is like a rosé, but do not take my word for it.

This is already a three-tree salad, so I could stop here. I usually add some pear tree chunks to make the salad fruity. But there are over fifty other trees you can use to increase your salad’s specialness. For the recipe, you simply cut the trees into small chunks like in the pic above and soak them overnight in salted water. Sea salt is best. Then, you boil them with garlic or red onions, or both for a more singular taste, as well as some black pepper, turmeric, and nutritional yeast to give the trees a more earthy taste. You can top the salad with alfalfa sprouts but it may look like you are overdoing it. Rosé is best but red or even Porto can reveal some hidden flavours. White wine is not advisable with a tree salad, unless you use trees with white meat. There are a few of those but I do not have a recipe for such meat. I would either fry it in olive oil and some of the wine, or bake it for about twenty minutes like you do for bread. It must be delicious in a sandwich. I have to try it sometime.

My next story is going to be a bit bleak. How can any true story about a tree be at all happy? When a cat scratches a tree to sharpen its claws, a tree should be able to scratch the cat back and send it running to freaking who cares. I used to love cats. I wonder if I did not, unconsciously, switch to a real biopic of myself from the Santa suit-dressed cat I used for so many years because of the trees? But then I switched back on account of my cat feeling hurt.