Toxic or Naw?

“Hey Alexa, set a reminder for 1 hour to change the laundry out.” I felt silly that I needed these reminders. I am an adult, for fucks sake. However, I had grown my self-awareness to know when I needed help, like recently. It is OK to accept it, even if it is in the form of my virtual assistant. At least, that is what one of the mods in the self-help subreddit I began following said.

“Timer to change the laundry in 1-hour set,”

Her voice danced in my ears. It sounds weird but knowing Alexa had my back helped me out. In return, that also put me at ease.

“Jeez, Alyssa, that is so embarrassing; you need Alexa to remind you to do everything?”

Ouch. That is my boyfriend Joel chiming in. He can be a dick sometimes, but he means well. I know it.

“Yes, Joel, yes, I do. This kind of tech was created for just this reason. You know I have ADD, and the reminders help. I have been getting so much done since I learned this nifty tip.”

Joel looked at me like I was crazy, then this menacing look came across his face like it always does when he’s up to one of his crazy shenanigans. “Hey, Alexa, set a timer to Wipe my ass.”

“Setting a timer to—”

“Alexa, no!” I had to cut her off quickly, “Babe, not funny. I know everything is a joke to you but cut it out.” He laughed at his stupid joke, came up to me, hugged me tightly from behind, and gave me a peck on the cheek. The warm gesture was followed with a very insincere

“Sorry.”

“I forgive you,” I said hesitantly but with a smile and kissed him back. He knew my love languages, and I was a sucker for affection.

“So, after you’re done with laundry, can you ask Alexa how to walk to the bar for a beer? It is Sports trivia night, and you know Poppa gotta keep his winning streak going!” He said in the bro-iest voice.

This was going to be awkward; he hated when I said no to him, but I didn’t want to. I hate trivia so much, but it was his thing.

“Honestly, Babe, I think I will skip out on trivia tonight. I’m feeling beat and want to work on some other things. You should call Joe, though; you know he never has anything going on, and he is a better trivia buddy than me!”

“What the fuck, Lyss? Joe is not my girlfriend. You know you are my good luck charm. What are these things you must do anyway? I know your class got canceled.”

Wait, how did he know that? I didn’t even tell him yet.

“Well, if you must know, the things I want to do involve self-care. I had a grueling semester. I want to do some yoga, maybe go to the café, and get some journaling in. I want to set some intentions. You know, to manifest good grades and clarity.”

Joel knows how challenging this semester was. We met as it started when he came to the café, and I worked part-time. I didn’t put in too many shifts because the last semester of nursing school was intense, but I still needed a part-time job for my rent, gas, and books. During my minimal shifts, Joel always seemed to be there the days I was. It was charming at the time.

“Interesting you would rather be at the café than with me. I bet Jake will meet you there to journal or whatever conveniently. Maybe if I invite Jake, you will change your mind.” He was getting very loud, and his tone was condescending.

Jake was a lab partner and study partner of mine. I knew him before I even knew Joel. We met in bio 101, and both shockingly stuck with our majors from the get-go and kept on the track together. Having a study partner made the whole process so much easier. We were close friends but just that, friends. I told Joel about him right away since boyfriends before did get insecure about our friendship. I thought Joel was different. Apparently, I was wrong.

“What does Jake have to do with this? I just want some time to myself. I have made time for you between my classes and work, and I’m not complaining because I love spending time with you. Still, I am a little overwhelmed and would just appreciate some alone time.” Joel looked back at me, unconvinced.

“Whatever, Alyssa, this is so weird. You have your alone time with Jake.”

I could not believe him right now. Why would he keep bringing up Jake suddenly?

“Babe, stop bringing Jake into this. You know he is just my friend. I didn’t know I couldn’t enjoy some time to myself. You’re being rude, and it is uncalled for.”

He became cold and callous to me out of nowhere.

“Whatever, Lyss, do whatever you want. I will keep note of how unimportant I am to you. Maybe I will change my name to-“ I had to cut him off. I knew what he would say, and to let him finish his childish thought would validate it; I couldn’t have that.

“Stop now, Joel, this is not cool, and honestly, you are not convincing me to want to spend my night with you anyway.” He made this face of contempt that he does when he knows he won’t get his way. The face a 2year old makes when you take its toy away.

“Look, I know you have a half hour til trivia; chill and watch some Netflix. I am going to do some yoga and shower upstairs. Help yourself to what you want, Babe. I know you will have fun without me. You deserve some alone time too.” I went to kiss him, and he pulled his face away; this was all so weird. I didn’t know why he was acting like this.

“Babe!” I said, all pouty. I wanted his attention so badly. Instead, I was met with the silent treatment.

“I hate when you do this. Anyway, you have a copy of the key. Come by after trivia. I hope you talk to me later.” I was able to catch his forehead with my lips. I left him downstairs to decompress and went to my business.

I will admit I was so thrown off by all that just happened. Joel had been weird lately, but never like this. He noticed I was spending more time online when we were together, which bothered him. I have been a Redditor for years. It is a time sucker, but it felt like a bit of repose from my hectic life around my studies. I would only pull my phone out to scroll when we would watch movies or tv shows I had seen already. We bonded over those tv shows and movies, but he never wanted to try new things. He liked the comfort of what he already knew would entertain him.

He voiced his dissent more often; lately & I was accused of killing brain cells on there, which hurt my feelings.

“I am only telling you because I care, babe; you’re too smart to be on these websites for losers looking at stupid shit all day.” It was a little speech he gave often.

I felt like he called me a loser, but I was too into him to think that he would hurt me intentionally like that. I have always been the type of person to see positivity in adverse situations. I admired that about myself, and instead of thinking Joel was being toxic or mean, I assumed he was looking out for me. Instead of letting it put me down, his criticism made me choose different subreddits, like motivational ones. The kind of subs a “loser” wouldn’t be caught dead on.

. The shower is where I got all my best ideas, and I decided I would seek some relationship help while in there since the whole time, I could not stop thinking about what had just gone down. I quickly finished up, got dressed, and called downstairs.

“Joel? Babe?” No word. He had set off to trivia.

Since I was so distracted, there was no way I could do any yoga. I had too much on my mind and felt like I had forgotten something. I couldn’t put my finger on it. My thoughts were anything but gathered. I hated feeling so out of whack.

I chose to go on Reddit, but I tried a new sub this time, r/RelationshipAdvice. Initially, I felt a little weird, but I didn’t want to feel crazy anymore. I needed a non-biased opinion on what just happened to affirm what I knew already. I posted the title ‘Toxic or Naw?’. Then I explained the whole situation of Joel getting mad at me for wanting alone time, bringing up Jake out of nowhere, and then giving me the silent treatment. I hesitantly clicked the submit button, closed my browser, and went on with my night.

I finally came around to doing yoga and journaling at home since Joel made me feel crappy about going to the café. After self-care, I headed downstairs, poured a glass of wine, and turned on a movie. I kept watching my phone anxiously, waiting for a text from Joel.

Crickets. This sucked so much.

My phone screen blinked, and I shot up with excitement. It was not Joel, though. It was my Reddit post. It was blowing up with responses. I didn’t want to read it quite yet. I was further distracted anyway; Alexa was going off. Shit, that is what I forgot! But it had been over an hour, so I was stumped until I heard Alexa’s voice croon.

“Reminder to change your smelly fucking clothes out.”

My jaw dropped. What a total asshole. He changed my timer and added a mean disgusting message. I was furious.

At that moment, I heard the door open. It took everything in me not to scream profanities at him. I took a deep breath instead and followed everything I had read in a conflict resolution article just days before. It’s funny because I usually scroll past stuff like that since I am me and embrace the arguing. I’m trying to do better, though.

“Lyss? Are you up?” He sounded a little tipsy; he had been drinking more lately.

“Yeah, in the living room,” I said intentionally monotone.

With every footstep, my anxiety grew. Anxiety is generally awful, but it was sprinkled with rage this time, so it felt incredibly overwhelming. I was a little annoyed by the timing of everything too. I had to suddenly hear all that, and he had to come home just as suddenly? Ideally, I would’ve been able to process and plot. Life never works out idealistically, though. Instead, I got to flex all that pacifist knowledge I learned from yoga, “just keep breathing,” I reminded myself. My deep exhales could put a forest fire out.

“Trivia champ!” he said with a smirk and raised his hand for a high five. I left him hanging. I also noticed something odd about his phone screen. It was flashing from notifications the same way mine was. I couldn’t distract myself, though. One issue at a time.

“What the heck, Babe? You’re going to leave me hanging?” He said with a confused pouty face. I just looked at him.

“Oh great, what’s wrong now? You got your stupid self-care night, and you are still mad?” He must have forgotten about the Alexa thing.

“You sabotaged my reminder,” I said in a stern voice. I needed him to know how serious of a misstep this was. His response was everything, and his interactions were everything. This was making it or breaking it for me. Unfortunately, he responded how I expected, but I needed this reminder. The universe was testing me, and I had to show up firm in my power now.

Joel let out a ridiculously long laugh, “Sabotage? Did you really use the word Sabotage right now?” Was His problem really with my word choice?

“Yes, Joel, you heard me correctly. You know I have been working on changing my habits, and you deliberately got in the way of that. Not only did you sabotage it, but you also left me a nasty note along with it.”

He was still laughing; I was getting angrier. Why did he have to make it so hard for me to stay calm?

He finally managed to stop laughing, “Babe, I can’t believe you are mad about that. It was a joke. You need to calm down.”

Oh man, he did not just tell me to calm down. You never tell a woman to calm down in a fight. Plus, this IS me being calm.

“First of all, don’t tell me to calm down. I am very calm. Second, you are literally the only one laughing. I did not find your stupid joke funny. It is actually very hurtful. I also asked you to cut it out earlier. What is wrong with you that you must react that way to me wanting my alone time? Why can’t you support me in efforts to enact positive change?”

He scoffed. “Wow, you are being insane right now. Are you mad about a little prank I pulled? You never get mad about my pranks until now. Let me guess; you’re reacting like this because the keyboard warriors on Reddit told you to. You will run off to Reddit and tell them about this, too, huh? I’m the one who should be mad that you are airing our relationship problems on the internet. It is embarrassing, Lyss.” His tone was angry now.

I looked back at him in shock, though. How is he gaslighting me and turning it around on me suddenly? How did he know about the Reddit post? In that moment, our phone screens flashed simultaneously. The lightbulb in my head illuminated too. Clarity ran through my veins. This jerk has my email password. That’s why he knew about the class getting canceled. That’s why he knew about the Reddit post. He was invading my privacy and snooping.

Now, Alyssa, the yogi, knew to remain calm. Alyssa, the yogi, knew that anger did not solve anything. That Alyssa went out the window at this moment. He was disrespecting me and my boundaries, and I could not stand for that. Not only was he disrespecting me he made it clear that the foundation of a healthy relationship was not there. I did not need r/RelationshipAdvice to tell me that is not OK.

“You have my email password,” I responded sharply, every intention for my words to cut through him. He remained silent with an expression on his face like a toddler caught crayon in hand with scribbles on the wall. How an adult man can constantly look like a child baffles me.

My voice grew louder. “You have my email password and have been spying on me, Joel. What the fuck is wrong with you? How could you think it is, OK?”

Silence. He knew he fucked up, and he knew he could not turn this around on me now.

I knew I had to stand my ground and not fall for his usual tactics. I was too angry to be sad, and usually, pride is seen as a negative trait. At this moment, it was my impetus not to allow space for forgiveness. I had cared about him, but there was no way a healthy relationship would grow from behavior like this—jealousy, gaslighting, snooping. There was no trust, and there was no bond. I didn’t even care what he had to say, mainly since he chose to stay silent for so long anyway.

“Babe, I can ex- “I cut him off again.

“There is nothing to explain. I don’t want to hear it. We are done, Joel. This was the last straw. There is no room for working on it, and I am sick of you. You treat me like crap, and you can’t even trust me? I am not dealing with this. Give me my key, and get the fuck out of my apartment.”

“Buuuu-“

He was trying to stammer out some pathetic excuse, but I was not having it. It made me angry that he thought there could be any justification for this. As I mentioned, calm, relaxed, and collected, Alyssa had left the room anyway.

“I SAID NO! LEAVE!” I screamed, and he did not like that. “Call yourself a Lyft and wait outside on the curb like the trash you are. I don’t care; just get out of my face.”

“Jeez, you are such a loud psycho.” He sounded annoyed and disgusted.

He was back to gaslighting and name-calling; typical Joel. My anger was building, but I was done with him. No use in keeping an argument going. He angrily took the key off his key ring and threw it at me. Thankfully it missed my head, but I let out an angry grunt. I couldn’t help it. I practiced self-control, though, so I didn’t throw anything back. Even though I so badly wanted to. He wasn’t worth it.

“Good luck finding another boyfriend, loser.” His last words to me.

“Thanks, maybe I’ll find a fellow basement-dwelling loser!” I probably shouldn’t have even responded, but I couldn’t let him have the last word.

He hated how I wasn’t offended by his insults. I wasn’t going to let him think he won in any way, though. He made sure I could hear him slam the door. It was the sound of relief—pushing negative toxic energy out of my life. It was a welcomed release. I no longer had space for someone that couldn’t honor my boundaries or offer me safety in the form of trust.

I was still a little shaken and angry by everything. A part of me wished I had said all the nasty things I was thinking to him, but a more significant part of me was proud of how I handled such an awful position to be in. I had passed my test from the universe. I was growing, and that is something to be celebrated.

I took a lot of deep breaths to calm myself down since I was still worked up and meditated a little. Once I felt at peace, I began to pour myself another glass of wine and look through the overwhelming responses I got on my post to “Dump him!”

Call me petty, but I wanted him to read how proud I was to have left him. I know he was reading the messages detailing his awful behavior. It was a bit of the icing on the cake for me. I blocked his number first; I didn’t want to hear from him again. Then I began my new post with the caption, “I dumped the LOSER!”

I stopped myself before I could finish my post. I didn’t want to forget something important.

“Alexa set a reminder to reset my password.”

I smiled as I sipped my wine and heard the sweet melody of her voice echo,

“Reminder to reset your password, set.”