Tomorrow, This Way Comes

Chapter

1

In Retrospect

Four months earlier...

"Of course, I love you baby. Who wouldn't love someone like you? You're smart, you have a great job, and you hope to have your own business someday, so yeah, you're great! Besides, we're having fun right now. We're doing alright, right? Let's not get into one of those boring "if we were married" discussions. You know how I hate that. Marriage just messes everything up!" commented the man who lay beside her on an all-too-familiar bed in an all-too-familiar old apartment building across the tracks on the west side of town.

"You're just saying that because you know I want to hear it. You're just trying to stop me from having a dream or making a life that would make me happy with you. I want my husband to be all mine. I don't like to share! I'm sure I'm not the only one that you've told that same thing to since I've been seeing you. I'd bet my life on it." CeCe said as she brushed his hair out of his eyes so she could see if he was going to lie.

"The windows of the soul...the windows of the soul," she whispered as she waited for the response that didn't come. It never came.

"What in the world are you talking about? I told you when I met you that my life had been, well, it had been a rocky one. I told you I was a free-spirited man. I never told you that I hadn't been around the corner a couple of times, did it? Now, you want me to expose my life, one that personally I might not be so proud of, to you, a person from the other side of the street from a life that's not like mine. I'm not into those church things like you tell me about. Honestly, you and me are really from two different worlds." he commented, turned, and threw back the damp sheet that covered their bodies.

"If you're looking for someone like that, you better look in another direction. I've never changed for anyone, any woman, and you're no exception. Why am I telling you this? You know this already, but you still keep coming for some reason. You still come here no matter when I call or what day it is!" he added to reinforce the fact that he had plenty of life experiences behind him, but he was trying to make a better life for himself now, or at least that was his plan. Even in this attempt to show some responsibility in the relationship by repeating what he'd already told CeCe numerous times, his loyalty was still being questioned.

"All I'm trying to do is get to the truth. I've heard a lot around town that makes me question the fact whether you can be trusted at all. I don't want to believe any of that which I've heard, but you're not helping me or convincing me that I should think anything different." she added as she too tossed the sheets aside, slid her legs off of the bed, and got up.

Walking to the bedroom's doorway, she turned, blew him a kiss, and disappeared out of sight. She knew he'd been cheating. There was no doubt of it. The people who came to her about him had irrefutable proof that things weren't at all as they appeared to be with Donovan. As often quoted, "A picture is worth a thousand words," and after being shown pictures of him out with others in the city, CeCe had to see him at least one more time, spend the time she needed, and come to grips with the reality that the future she wanted with him was not attainable. She had to tell him today and she would.

He used her absence from the room to put his clothes on and was sitting by the window in the upstairs apartment looking out over the city where he worked. It wasn't the first time he'd met her here, but it was going to be the last. He knew there would never be someone like CeCe in his life again. Sadly, he knew that once she stepped away, there wouldn't be anyone like her coming to spend time with him in his rented apartment. She wasn't really his type, whatever his type was, but he pretended she was for the time they spent together sharing each other. He loved his job and he loved his freedom. If anyone attempted to change those two things, it would be fruitless and damning. His antics were just that, his. He'd never confessed to believing anything other than that he wanted what he wanted and the rest could take a hick. He didn't offer an excuse nor did he ask for forgiveness. He wasn't one of those "church-going Bible thumpers" nor did he claim to be. If someday he chose to turn his life in a different direction, he didn't need them to make that happen.

"Come sit with me," he asked as CeCe came back from the bathroom. She'd taken a quick shower, wrapped a towel around her head, and pulled the robe's belt tightly around her waist. She knew she was in for a long drawn-out discussion with Donovan if she wanted to open that door. But, for her, the answer was as clear as it was going to get. She knew and soon he would know it was over.

"Babe, we're not going to make it. I want to be honest with you and not deceive you into thinking that we are. And, rather than have a fight, I just want to go my way and you can go yours leaving both of us with some respect." began CeCe as she reached across the empty table for his hand, squeezed it, and pulled away.

"What exactly does that mean?" asked Donovan as he turned in his chair to face her.

For a second, neither of them spoke, neither said anything or made any gestures. It was an even playing field and both had an equal opportunity to say whatever was on their mind.

"I don't know how to make this any clearer. I can't see you anymore," admitted CeCe as she followed through with the instructions her mother had given her time and time again. She was aware that if she didn't do as she was told, things would get much worse at home.

"On the one hand, I want to see you, but my parents have given me an ultimatum. Either stop seeing you or move out. I have nowhere to go. You know and I know, you're not ready to "settle down" or stop playing the field. And, yeah, I know about the others. But I'll tell you this, they don't love you as I do nor will they ever!" stated CeCe as she stood up, walked over to the chair near the bed, picked up her dress, and began to prepare to slip it on.

"So it's like that?" Donovan snorted.

"Yes, it's like that!" replied CeCe as she slipped her dress over her head and let it fall down over her body.

"And there's nothing I can do to change your mind?" he asked as he brushed his hair back away from his face and smiled a full smile.

"That might have worked before I got to know you Don, but we're way beyond the innocent stage now." rebuked CeCe as she turned to attend to her things. For CeCe, the end had come. There wasn't anywhere else to go with Donovan. She'd seen him for months, but even during the times he was seeing her, he was also seeing others in the city. She knew she loved him, but she had to decide to love herself more. She had to decide to walk away from this person who meant more to her than she meant to him. Besides, in time, this whole affair would blow up in her face leaving her destitute, deprived, and desperate to find someone to help her out of her family's house.

"So this is it?" he asked again.

"Yes, this is it!" she stated with a tone that denoted she'd become someone other than just a weekly event. She didn't want to be angry, but she was. She knew it was her choice to see him in the first place. Now, it was her choice to walk away. Did she make some mistakes? Did she want to be with a man who was a polar opposite to the lifestyle of her family? Would he ever be accepted? Those were the final questions that made her make the most difficult choice in her life.

"Donovan, I don't know exactly what you're looking for, but I'll tell you this much, I've given myself to you, heart, soul, and mind. I've loved you with all of me. And, as a result, it has meant nothing to you. Therefore; I can't continue to discredit myself in this way with you. I'm probably going to hell anyway for this. Out there, out there somewhere is a man who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. Not just for this." she said as she waved her hand and pointed to the wrinkled sheets, tossed pillows, and dirty curtains.

"Yes, Donovan, there is someone who will be more of a man than you've been because being a man is more than this?" she added, turned, slipped her black pumps on, and walked over to the door.

There really wasn't anything else to say. For the two people who had met at a city construction site, it was over. CeCe reached for the doorknob, turned it, and pulled the door as far open as she could so that Donovan could see outside.

"You see that Donovan? Out there somewhere is my answer. Out there walking the streets somewhere is a man who's not afraid to be called my husband. You don't know what that word means. And, as far as you and I are concerned, we're done!" She stepped through the doorway and closed the door behind her knowing full well that Donovan wasn't finished with her.

As far as Donovan and how he felt, well he felt that no one could have enough of him. He knew that in the future she'd be asking him to come back, in the future, if need be, he'd be searching her out to find out if she would have at least one more toss between the sheets. She'd find him if she needed him.

"I'm not worried, babe. You'll come crawling back. They all come crawling back.

He knew she'd be no different.

...

Like many, my past and present have been one of successes, failures, challenges, hopes, dreams, and all of the emotional states common to all of us women. That's called life. Along the way, I've experienced times of great celebration, regret, immeasurable sorrow, and disquieting discontent like every other person I've ever met. Questioning our lives is a common theme for each woman. It visits each of us with irreparable consequences, for those of us who'll admit it. But, it's how I've let the sorrow impact me that makes the difference. I've cried, wallowed in self-pity, and been so down I couldn't see up. But all of us women, if we're honest with ourselves, we've all been in the same place sometime during our lives, especially when it comes to our men. Seeing myself as I am, I wasn't expected to stay there all of my life, there had to be a way out. Today, many years later having tried to right the wrongs I've inflicted or provide a solace for the feelings I've hurt, it's my soul that is grateful for the compassion in which I find myself enjoying. For someone like me, a human full of waywardness, sorrow, and failures that I can't fix, according to my parents. Yet, in this room in my soul, I've seen the eternal grace and mercy that keeps me sequestered away in the bosom of the Almighty. I've sought forgiveness as best as I know how, those who were enslaved by are have all died leaving me to clean up their mess. In this soul, the eternal part of me, there's peace knowing that what was done wasn't done out of malice or hatred on my part. I was simply doing as I was told. read CeCe as she lay upon her bed trying to make some sense of it all, some sense of her life.

Six months passed from the time CeCe said what she had to say. She knew that she'd not like the idea of not seeing Donovan, but she wanted something more, something that was permanent. She wasn't proud of her time spent across the tracks, but he lured her like a helpless lamb would be lured by a ravenous wolf. That's the only picture she saw in her mind each time she accepted his invitation. She felt helpless to do anything else.

Across the valley from one side to the other, winter's winds filled with light dry tiny snowflakes dusted every horizontal surface. From the hospital's window ledges on the hill near the high school to the large brick church where the meeting was going to be held, the snow-covered everything in eyesight. Wayward birds fought to keep from being tossed downward onto the surface by winter's gales with little success.

Standing on the stair steps leading to the upstairs chamber, Celeste could see evening's dimming light retracing its ordained path through the streets and alleys of her hometown. Some called the town a city, but for CeCe, it wasn't all that. She'd tried many times to come to the church on Monday nights, but for one reason or another, this was the first time she'd actually made it to the steps which were now becoming slippery as snowflakes melted and immediately froze creating dangerous conditions for someone in her condition. Was there a purpose? She'd like to think so, but time would determine if she'd be successful. She enjoyed getting out of her parent's house even if it was only for a short time, even if it was to come to the church where she would spill out her heart to a person or persons even though no one there would be able to help her.

Her family's house located down the street from the church, was somewhat modest as compared to others in the local community. It boasted the common pleasantries shared by the neighborhood. Those expectations are revered by those of the faith. For one reason or another, the house on the street joined to the others by "hellos" and "how are yous," was also an asylum where Celeste simply existed. It was a place where insanity ran amok. It was a home where different dramas played out day after day. The facade had been re-enacted some many times over the years that it became accepted as normal. It was a closely guarded secret held within. It was so secret so as to not blemish the family's name, or tarnish the self-righteousness that cloaked those inside.

For Celeste, the only escape for her was to venture out to find some sense of humanity when heads were turned or when sent on some errand for her parents. At this time of her life, there wasn't much to look forward to, no real dreams or aspirations.

Was she looking for a lover? Was she expecting some great hand of fate to sweep her up into a miracle enchantment filled with "I love yous?" Perhaps, but during one of those excursions into the streets, she unexpectedly caught a glimpse of him. Of course, she wouldn't know his name until after their introductions, a simple hello, but for her, he'd eventually be someone who'd almost ruined her life. Or so the story goes that she'd been indoctrinated to believe. And, if her mother had anything to do with it, she'd never see or speak to him again. Like most all things, it was never about someone's happiness, just about finding a way to continue the facade heretofore untethered to any divergence in their religious dogma.

As she stood at the bottom of the church's steps watching the snow pile up, and the ice form, she couldn't help but remember him, her love, or so she wanted to call him. It was during that time she learned a life lesson. It would be a lesson that would haunt her for the rest of her life. She just wasn't aware of the gravity of youthful decisions.

She remember the first time she saw him...

On that day, she sat in her car across the street as she watched him go about his daily routine working for the city's public works department for Planning and Development. It wasn't a glamorous job, to say the least, but it was enough for him. Besides, he wasn't all that enthused by the title or the duties. No, he was more interested in the possibility of impressing another of the younger ladies who watched through the window binds of the surrounding buildings. He was one who kept himself in shape, went regularly to the local gym, and always had the right words to lure the unsuspecting lamb into his lire. He liked nothing more than to catch the fly and then cast them away after tearing their wings from them. It was what he did best.

As he stood directing the ditch digger operator, a machine that was used to widen drain lines enabling the pipe fitters to repair leakages, her mind played games with her. Cece's mind, obsessed with desires of the flesh, conjured up visions of rapture, of savage encounters where she would become the woman she wanted to be, to have this man whom she watched day after day. She wanted him to have his way with her, but it wouldn't be today. No, today she'd sit in her car as she'd done numerous times before and watch the physically alluring man as he called out directions for the workers. In doing so, she listed as Donovan ordered the worker to finish up the assigned tasking for the soon-to-be-laid piping. The motions of the levers being twisted and turned, plunged the mechanical beast's blades deeper and deeper into the dirty trenches reading it for the development that would soon begin in their small city in the valley now poised for a new beginning.