Three Billy Goats Gruff

Once upon a time, there was a lush pasture. The only way to get to it was via a stone arch bridge over a swift stream.

The owner of the pasture was fixated on preventing the goats next door from getting across because they ate everything he grew. So he found a homeless troll and offered him the job.

"You do eat goats, right?" he asked the troll. "Even the gruff ones?"

"Umph," replied the troll, which the pasture owner took for a yes.

Soon, his pastures became lush again, verdant and bountiful with waves of variegated plant blooms. He'd open his cottage windows to inhale their fragrant bouquet every morning.

One such morning he flared his nostrils and, to his horror, what wafted into them was the malodorous fetidness of goatshit. Furious, he made haste to the bridge where his troll was, noting swaths of bald pasture on the way.

"What the hell, troll!" he shouted.

"Umph!" the troll snorted.

"Let's talk about this, shall we?" he asked the troll icily.

"Umph!"

"Did a billy goat--gruff, that is--try to cross this bridge?"

"Umph!"

"And did she convince you not to eat her because he said the next goat would be much tastier?"

"Umph!"

"And gruffer?"

"Umph!"

"And so you let her pass, is that right?"

"Umph!"

"And then that next goat came along and said the same goddamn thing? That you should wait for the next goat because she would be even tastier and gruffer?"

"Umph!"

"So you let her pass, too, is that right?"

"Umph!"

"And that third gruffiest and tastiest goat of them all, did you eat even her?" The troll fell silent. "You didn't eat a single goat, did you!" he shouted.

"Umph!"

"So what happened? What'd you do to 'em? Did you have your way with those goats?"

"Well," the troll suddenly articulated eloquently, "let me ruminate on that a moment."

The pasture owner was stunned. "Are you trying to get my goat, troll?"

"Don't worry. Already did. Got 'em all--good. Know what I mean?"

"Only if you're so horny you had the ugly one, too. You know what they say about the ugly ones."

"Right answer. You can pass, asshole."

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AUTHOR'S NOTES:

This submission is to the challenge (see below), but is slated to be submitted as my 122nd story of the 2024 Story-a-Day stories for Wednesday, May 1: Day 122 of the Story-a-Day Challenge

WORD COUNT: 366 — on the dot!

For Fucked Up Fairytales - An Unofficial Challenge, by L.C. Schäfer, who sez...

I've just had my birthday, so I feel allowed to ask you to indulge me. Get your tiniest pen out! This is also a call for volunteers. If you'd like to volunteer as tribute, use the comments or find me on Facebook.