The Wizard's Game

Where was I? Let’s see, store ban… past that… bumbling crackpot Wizard… no, no... hallucinogen mist… boring… floating dingo head, dancing weirdo… I’m missing something! Oh yeah, hells decent… So here we are a bleak trail into the belly of well… not really a beast; perhaps it would be better if I knew what I was entering as you know the wisdom of what’s often quoted, “Better the devil you know than the one you don’t.”

Though on second analysis, there are the occasional mysteries best left as that; like the whole baby scenario; I have no idea if a crane is where I descend from, but I do not care, either way he had a great sense in names. I am getting off track, a bit of water gets caught in its descent down my throat making an irritating noise; not that I have any issue with the sound, but my brother has little tolerance for it as I camel style slurp gallons of the liquid that makes up 72% of us humans. Humans… cause that’s what we all are including myself, no lizard blood in my royal English heritage. *Licks eyeball* None whatsoever. Ok, ok enough of my antics with conspiracy, I’ll get serious, “Siri, where am I?” You ever just get lost in the eternal cyclical patterns of that blue orb spinning while Siri comprehends the escaped air that was thrusted from your lungs? Yeah, me neither. “I’m sorry, I am not connected.” Well, Siri, I don’t believe you are in the slightest way sorry, and not for the reason that you are incapable of the confusing mechanics of the word instead that your tone didn’t gave no expression of sympathy towards the dire situation I am facing. If you keep going along with this useless need to be connected with your lover WIFI, I… Well, I might go ahead and find a new travelling companion. Honestly, this has been a decision long in the making; too long really, I should have been focusing on building connections in Melbourne instead of pursuing a fire wielding wizard, but whatever, I’m human and I make mistakes.

Despite my teachers determining me to be rather slow, I had always considered myself equalled to the wit of Sherlock Holmes, however, I have been descending this staircase for two dozen of minutes now and only realised that I am neither any closer to discovering what lays within the thick cloud of dark mystery nor capable of exiting the door above. I am in the middle, a dangerous place for any who adhere to the wisdom of Mr Miyagi. One step lower, impossible! I go down, yet I am back to the very spot I left. Like a girl who keeps living her man only to arrive back at his heart again. “How do I keep doing this?” We both ask, how do I know someone else asked this question? Come on, the worlds vast enough for two people to question the same issue at once. I guarantee on a daily basis multiple humans collide in the age-old pondering of, “How much could a wood chuck, chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?” If the internet were built on questions, then the slowest network to enter would be that one. Ah, dammit mind stop wandering away from me; you can see why school was so difficult, but it’s not because I was slow, quite the opposite my consciousness comprehends so much in one setting it bounces from topic to topic out thinking the Flash. The part the teachers got correct is what I think about, however like the tortoise and the hare, it does not matter what invades your mind as long as your fast. Or something like that, speed triumphs all the timer. Damn typing to fast, I meant time. Deep breath, if venturing forwards is of little advancement how about stepping backwards. Nope, each step taken towards the door leads me neither closer nor further away. I am stuck, I wish my situation were more like that song, “Just one more step, cause we’re almost there.” But even if I was almost there, where is there? Where am I and of the higher nature, who am I? Yeesh, philosophy, that’s a staircase in itself, one issue at a time; I’m not Dr Phil, can’t be dealing with this nonsense.

Come on guys think, if up fails me and down eludes me where else can I turn? This reminds me of that bear hunt however I have fewer options. My legs refuse to bench themselves on a step; this time I gotta solve this puzzle lest I turn into a horse with a muzzle, trapped. Neutron, help me, atoms swirling within the portrait of my mind, think, got it. Up or down, left, and right. Ah ha, it worked. This old dogs still got some fresh fleas, not a saying, not yet at least, he he. A door presents itself before my vision as I turn towards my left and advance onwards. Peculiar, peculiar indeed, the entrance matches the gateway that presented itself before within the alleyway. Oh well, thinking about it won’t reveal the treasures that lay behind. The nob wobbles in my hands turning, it happened to be barely screwed in. Boom! The door flung to the ground while the nob stayed loyal to my grip. What an introduction, nearly as wild as the wizard; dust shrouded the air as the onlookers coughed. “Uh, hi. Sorry about your…” The nob pursed the door as the jaw of my mouth dropped too. Seven robed wizards were perched upon a row of thrones obstructing their lower person with a lengthy judges table. The wizards had each been assigned a colour twined with those of a rainbow and each displayed their unique symbol; in the middle of the lot was the purple kook. After absorbing the capturing scene of the wizards my souls windows wandered pacely throughout the setting that unfolded. Tattered old texts hissing of foreign secrets, depressed candles oozing their last glimmer, baffling signs scattered carelessly over the corners of the walls and floor, and finally eight other people as terrified as I was. “Welcome to my wizardly game, to lose comes at your shame, but to win is life’s glorious gain. Passing the dingo, led me to snore, fleeing the mist, moved me to applaud, yet solving the doors puzzle, well… Heh, we’ll see what’s the limit of human possibility.” What proceeded that rhyme were the horrors I mentioned yesterday, challenges far fiercer than the one’s I had previously endured.

The first trial proved difficult, requiring impeccable balance or in my case deception. I was forced to steady a down pointed pencil upon my index finger whilst keeping a bouncy ball settled on its rubbery pencil throne. You think balancing equations is difficult well add preparing a meal for the wizard and what I said before and you’ll see how easy you have it. Physics wise this challenge could not be conquered, but to the one with an adaptive mind there’s little that can’t be won. While the wizards attention fell to the other participants I concealed my finger within my sleeve, then grasped the pencil. When the wizards eyes befell me, I reasoned, “My hands are cold, so there tucked away but what does it matter if my fingers still balancing the pencil and ball?” They saw no issue; let that be a lesson for you all if you’re going to stand out concoct a plausible theory as to why and people will not question it any further. Trial two challenged the mind as much as co-ordination. Two basketballs had to be dribbled in conjunction with one of the wizards pecking at your deepest locked away insecurity, “You’re a disappointment to Chad Simmons.” The Wizard muttered in my tired and weary ear. “NO!” I cried, “Not Chad.” What’s worse than being a disappoint to the people you know? Being a disappointment to those you don’t. Well maybe not, however, the wizard could only peer into my mind and see what I wanted to show. You control what others see of you, unless you’re a flying spaghetti monster, then well they’re most likely just gonna see that.

One challenge after another I outwitted the wizards from hushing a screeching baby with a fable too out rapping Eminem. At last, the final two challenges arrived. “Hmm, very good, very good. Soon you may done this stylish hood. But listen to the sighs of those girls, they are desperate for a man with no curls. Woo a lady in a state, that you could never contemplate. Ah ha ha ha!” The wizard’s tongue flung salvia upon those who listened, I’ve had enough of this crazy fool. I am convinced these old hags are not wizards at all. Well, at least I was. His fingers snapped creating a thundered click which produced a screen of fog that quickly vanished as quickly as it came. What was that? I glanced around to see that the remaining three competitors were now… Frogs! If I can’t get a girl as a guy, what chance do I have as I frog! I glanced at the ladies and realised what option had to made. “Hello, my baby, hello my bunny, hel… Woah!” Scarcely had my performance begun before I received a truly horrifying kiss. The other girls were cute however this lady, let’s… Uh, she, delicately put, appeared to have recently exited the sewers with her entourage of cats, no, maybe not the sewers, perhaps… the morgue. Never tell anyone about this! This shall be forever kept between me, you, and Mr Magoo.

“Well done boy, well done, you have determined the right one.” The purple wizard, who I am completely sure is not only a wizard but extraordinarily dangerous and dangerously insane; floated from his throne to present himself before my frog self. “Revertius.” His fire nail burned my froggy face and in between amphibian and human breath, I was back. “Know you the time boy, my watch is nothing but a Maccas toy.” The wizard giggled at his rhyme. “Time for me…” My sentence abruptly ended at his intersection, “It’s duelling time!” From within his sleeves protruded a deck as I had never seen. “This is my own special version of tarot, let’s just say this card determines your IMMEDIATE FATE!” Without any movement of his hands the cards shuffled and the walls around me melted away; the participants and other wizards followed this vanishing act whilst forth coming shadows replaced the decorations that were formally there. “Ah ha ha ha, you thought I was but a washed-up cracked pot; escaping your limited comprehension was the knowledge of my unlimited power. Now draw your cards, your fate is sealed.” The deck split in two and I had no other choice, I weaselled my way here and I will weasel my way home. As I grasped the deck my fingers found my secret card always kept tucked within my watch for such occasions as this. A hollowed blue chain appeared round the wizards and my hand, binding us to our decks. He wiped his arm out and revealed three cards. They flew from his hands and presented themselves to my sight. “You are through.” The wizard chuckled. The hanged man, the serpent and the skull came to my eyes. “Do not scoff yet wizard, for I wield a card unbeatable, a card I am certain your old eyes have never seen.” My arm wiped back, grasping three cards, I threw them out and they charged towards the wizard. “A hungry beaver, Crushed cupid and… and… What the heck is that?” The wizard boomed. “Ha ha, It’s my special Uno reverse card; it takes your curses and sends them right back.” The wizards began shaking and stuttering, “NO!” He finally blurted out and the landscape around me tore in two. The wizards, competitors, strange door, dingo, and roller skater were all gone. I arose to find myself alone in the alleyway, “Phew, I am glad that’s over, hey where’s my wallet?” I patted my person, but it had… vanished. “The wizard.” I huffed.

I guess it really is as they say, “You win some, you lose some.” I’m going to my den to wallow in shame.