The Visitors

My Saturdays are spent at the Aquarium.

The trauma sessions have ended, the group therapy now consists of outings and mine is a weekly excursion to stare at fish.

Let me introduce myself my name is Mia I'm a twenty- something postgrad student and PTSD-extraordinaire. I rarely admit the latter.

I wake on Saturdays, board a bus and travel to the city center and this isn't the tough part. The rest of the morning I sit and hope no-one will talk to me except the fish.

My hope is that I can blend in and dissolve in the sea brine behind the glass and float on without human engagement. This isn't the assignment. The goal is to slowly come back to the world and interact with other humans and what better place than an aquarium the place humans congregate to study, observe and soothe their human anxieties.

I have to admit the blue is appealing and the fish well, they rarely havemuch to say. I have a pad of paper and a pen to take notes none the less. The humans so far have left me alone until this day which started like every other Saturday.

On these excursions I give little attention to appearance and focus on blending. Today I washed my face and pulled my hair up into an a semblance of a bun. My clothing is baggy and grey, yes void of color.

My face is a blank canvas free of makeup or cream. Lip balm is the only aesthetic that has made it's way back into my daily routine. This of course happens if my dog doesn't eat them first. My favorite is the peppermint scented balm that tingles and soothes.

This day I arrive unscathed with my Starbucks and find my favorite bench. I sit in the middle and I settle in letting out a long breath when I hear an "ahem" and then "can I join you on this bench?" I look up way up to until our eyes meet. The dark eyes of a very tall twenty something-ish man.

I nervously shuffle over.

Good God Why?

I nervously turn away to glance at my phone and check the time. "Only 45 minutes left in this joint" I say silently to myself and he asks "pardon?"

Nothing I mutter. "My name is Jonathon" he offers and a warm hand extends. I do not offer mine and instead say " Hi" as I push up the round spectacles. He smiles. I watch the Jelly Fish and squirm.

I want to run, scream and maybe do both. Instead I sink deep and sigh a sound so loud I am sure the Jelly Fish are shaking in their tank. This of course is rediculous for Jelly Fish don't think they just are. The sound may move them but shaking- this is rediculous!

" Mia right?" the strange tall man asks.

Sweet Mary, he knows my name.

" I heard you talking to your friend when you came in" he whispers.

" A stalker" I think to myself and this I am able to contain.

"Yes, I am Mia" I whisper and blush.

" Do you come here often" he asks.

" Brilliant line" I think to myself.

I wrestle with offering a lie and settle with the truth.

" Every Saturday I offer".

" Whoa real dedication".

I smile at this one.

In my head I tell myself " breathe, drop your shoulders and breathe."

Jonathon takes over the conversation and I let him. At first I listen to the words and then the warmth of his voice and finally the rhythm of his speech. I feel safe. A feeling I haven't felt in awhile at least not while in the presence of another male.

I look at his face and he blushes.

We both look back to the Jelly Fish.

Jonathon shares "we can learn tons from Jelly fish which aren't really fish after all. These are ancient miraculous creatures that exsist and propagate without a brain, digestive system or spinal column. These creatures are resillent and they have adapted to sting so they can survive and escape predators." I look up and catch his eyes glimmering and then look away. He notices and nods approvingly pointing to the tank with fervor. "Most people think they are just lovely floating bells."

My eyes fill with tears some that I can not hold back and there is a tiny spill. I let them fall and don't even bother to wipe them.

Jonathon continues " all living things are resillent''..."All creatures big and small including humans have defenses to help us survive".

Watching the Jelly Fish float moving in a rythmic dance I agree and nod.

I let the tears cascade without shame and without judgment.

I have survived and my story has just begun.

Jonathon looks at me and smiles " What is your amazing story Mia?"

All I can do is smile.

I wrestle some courage and say " Well Jonathan I am working on doing some amazing things and this visit to the Aquarium is just the start".

We both settle comfortably into silence and listen to the aquatic hum.

All that I so desperately wanted to leave behind is what makes me who I am. We are all visitors here at the Aquarium and in life.

I pull out my pad of paper and write my name and number and hand it to Jonathan and then say "If you ever want to visit again. I think me may be friends" and he smiles.