The tragic loss

As I sit here, I feel like I must be in a dream. Sitting here all in black, with so many people in my house. Do I even know half these people? All I want to do is hide in a dark room forever, and pretend like this did not happen. Pretend like I am not in this place of such a great loss. A loss that I never thought I would have to go through. Everyone in black, saying how sorry they are for my loss. But they can't know what I am really going through. They all say that they are here for me, they support me with whatever they need. They say so many things. I am so many people in my house, yet I feel so alone. Like no one in the entire world understands what I am going through. I look over at my two children still here. Sitting in the corner, looking at the ground, clearly full of despair. How am I going to get through this? How am I to still raise them, and act like life can just go on? Life can not go on, life can not just continue like nothing happened.

I look out the window. Seeing a bird flying through the sky, and all I want is to be that bird. To be free without a care in the world. Away from the pain, away from the grief.

In the distance I can see some children playing. I can't help but to remember that day, the day that everything changed.

I was in the kitchen, doing chores. The kids were playing with some of their friends outside. I kept looking outside to keep an eye on them. I saw our youngest, Dave, and his friend by the frozen lake outside our house. I called out for them to get away from the lake. I figured they would listen. I'm not sure why I didn't double-check. It couldn't have been long that I was not paying attention. Maybe a couple of minutes. Then I heard his friend yelling from the lake. It all happened so quickly. I already had my boots on, being that the door had been opened. I ran as fast as I could to the lake, the children behind me. I tried to get Dave out of the lake as quickly as I could. He was cold, and lifeless. I yelled for my oldest to go call 911, and get help. I carried Dave inside, tried to get him warm, tried to see some form of life. But he was gone.

It all happened so quickly. His friend and he were playing, and I guess their ball had gone on the lake. Dave told his friend he could go get it. His friend told him not to, that he would get in trouble. Dave tried to go quickly so that he won't get in trouble. But he went too quickly, so he wasn't paying attention to where he was walking. He hit a thin patch of ice, and fell through.

I never thought this would happen. I watched the kids play outside, and wanted to run out to get them. Would my children ever play by themselves outside again? I didn't think so. I couldn't help but to worry about them, worry about what their childhood would be like now. I just sit there in that chair, unable to move, unable to do anything. Before I knew it, it was dark outside. I can't help but to wonder how long that I have really been sitting there, how long have everyone has been gone. Though, I really don't care. I'm just happy that this day is over. I go to the living room, and get changed. My husband is already sleeping, how long I'm not at all sure. I'm grateful though. I don't have the energy to talk to him, to go where he wants me to go. I'm just not ready for that. Putting my head on my pillow, I feel like I am able to take a deep breath, and just breath. It's over, I tell myself, today is over. Now the problem is that I have to get through the rest of my life. How, well, I'm not really sure.

All I wanted to do was to stay in darkness. The pain was too much for me to bare. The thought of just even standing up was too much for me. I felt overwhelmed by tasks that I should have been easy. Things that I thought were easy before. Day turned to night turned to day again. I honestly don't know how long that I was laying there. I would get up to go to the bathroom occasionally, a task that would take me at least 30 minutes, but that is all. That was too much for me. I remember my husband bringing me food. Though, I never ate it, and I honestly don't know how many times that happened. He would try to talk to me, but I don't know what he said.

Then one day he sat on the bed next to me. He sat there for a while, head in his hands, clearly upset. He spoke like he knew I would not answer, "I don't know what to do. I can't do this alone, I never agreed to do this alone. I know that you are hurting, but so am I. What about me? Do you even care? What about the other two children we still have that are here? They need you too. I'm trying so hard, but I don't know how much longer that I can do this alone." He started to cry, and for a while just sat there. "I need you to come back. I'm trying to be understanding. But you are not the only one hurting, and we need you to come back."

He left, and his words stayed with me. I did hear him, and knew that he was right. I wanted so badly to do what I knew I should do, to get back to life. I just couldn't. The thought was too much for me, just the thought, never mind doing it. I knew that I just had to get up. You just need to do it and it'll get easier, I told myself. I knew it was true. I knew I had to just do it, that everyone was hurting. But in that moment I couldn't consider their pain, it would be too much to handle. So even though I heard his words, and knew that he was right, I just couldn't do anything different.

What was my plan? I don't know. Was I going to stay like that forever? Maybe I was. I didn't have a plan, I didn't think about the future. Maybe I didn't think I had much of a future. I'm guessing that my husband kept the kids away, with good reason, as I never saw them.

But one day, I guess my husband wasn't paying attention. I guess I had been in the room for a few weeks now. My oldest came into the room.

"Mom," he said as he came in, and came up to me.

Suddenly I was aware, and said, "What are you doing here?"

He suddenly started crying. Something that broke my heart. "Are you okay Mom?" he asked me.

I paused, seeing the heartbreaking sight of my child crying, and answered, "Mommy is just really sad right now."

"So am I. I miss Dave too, we all do. But we need you. You can't stay in bed, you always tell me that I need to get up. It wasn't your fault what happened. And what you are doing is not fair at all. We need you too, it's not all about you. Without you, we aren't going to be okay," he was crying so hard it was hard to understand him at times, "You always said that together we can get through anything. But we aren't together, so that isn't true at all. You just left us to deal with things on our own. We can't do this alone."

I saw him crying so hard standing there. Clearly begging me to save them, begging me to help them. There was something about what he said that snapped me out of it. He was right, my young child. I had to be there for him. I had said that we would do everything together, and I was the one who left them alone. I had to get up. I had to do something. Yes, I was in pain, but life had to go on somehow.

So I stood up and went to him, "Everything is going to be okay. I know that you feel like I left you alone. But I'm here, and we will get through this together."

I hugged him, and we went down back to normal life. My grief was still there. It would be a long time before I would be okay, but I was getting there. Every day there would be a little more sunshine that would come in. I would never be the same person. I was always going to be the person who lost her son. But I was getting there. I just kept telling myself to take one step at a time. Everything would be okay.

- T