The Speed of Life

He clutched his breast.

"Oh God," he thought. "Oh God. Not now."

Sledgehammers were pounding him in the chest. Fireworks exploded behind his eyes. He knew. Instinctively, he knew. This was the end. This was the end and he was going to die in a pathetic heap upon the ground.

He cried out for his wife, for his daughter, but they had left him long ago. This is what he deserved. He'd treated them like an afterthought, almost a burden and when he needed them most and wanted them more than anything, they were not there and it was entirely his fault.

"Oh God," he cried. "Forgive me. Help my daughter and wife forgive me. Let them know I loved them. Let me know they loved me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

As he tried to stay upright, to reach a pen and paper, he knocked pictures of them off book shelves. He knocked empty bottles off counter tops. He cursed them. The empty bottles were a testament to what he'd sacrificed his family for.

"Why," he thought. "Why did I devote my life to that? Why did I love alcohol more than my family? Why couldn't I stop for them? They needed me and I wasn't there. I deserve this."

Then suddenly, the pain was gone. He could stand and breath. It was as though nothing had happened at all. He ran to the bathroom and threw up. There was nothing in it. He was not sick from anything he'd drank or ate. He was sick from revelation.

He loved his wife, though it was too late for him there. They couldn't go back. Couldn't start over. But, his daughter? Maybe, he could mend that bridge. He'd loved her more than life itself. He had nothing to give her now but his time and energy and maybe that would be enough. Maybe it wouldn't. But, if she rejected him, the pain would be tolerable. It would be tolerable because he would know that she was better than him. That no matter how badly he had messed things up, he hadn't messed her up.

He didn't deserve her love or forgiveness and he understood that now. But, she deserved his apology and possibly his attempt at reconciliation. The drink was a beast he'd always fight but he would train his heart to be stronger. He would defeat it regardless of how those he'd hurt so deeply reacted.

When he went outside, the sun nearly blinded him. It had been days since he'd ventured out into it. But, the rays washed over him like the breath of God. He inhaled and exhaled deeply, taking all of it in. The next days, the rest of his life, really, would be a constant struggle against the demons he'd willingly invited into his life, but he had hope. Maybe, for the first time, he had hope.

He looked at his watch. Sixty seconds. It had taken only sixty seconds for his life to play out and all his sins laid bare. A lot can happen in a minute, he thought. A minute could change your life.