The Next Step

"Of course," I muttered to myself under my breath. "Only one stoplight in town and it is red. There's not even anyone around!"

The motor of my car idled away, and I imagined it was agreeing with me over the ridiculousness of it all. That, or complaining about all the added weight in the back. I had never packed up all my possessions before. They didn't even block my view in the rearview mirror, but the back bumper was still sagging a bit. Hopefully I made it without anything breaking down, including myself.

It had been a very near thing this morning, not breaking down. My mother had not stopped talking all through breakfast. It was as if she could put off what she did not want to happen just as long as there was a conversation to be finished. My father had been quiet, and I was not sure if I had been imagining it, but it looked like he had been crying before he came out to the kitchen. My father never cried. My two older brothers teased me in their usual way before hugging me goodbye and heading to the barn before I even left. They were not phased by much. My younger brother and sister had been full of yawns and very attached to their phones. They only put them down when mother gave them that look that mothers are so good at giving.

I was doing the unthinkable. I was leaving our little one stoplight town. People almost never left. Or if they did, it was just to go one or two towns over because they got married and were going to work their new family’s farm. I could never do that. I had loved my childhood here, do not get me wrong. But one day, when I looked back on my life, I did not want to see an endless stream of days milking cows and plowing fields and worrying how the crops would be. I imagined looking back on such a life and it made me feel hollow. That life fulfilled so many here, but it would not fulfill me. I wanted to see the world, and the first step to doing that was to go to college.

Many of my classmates had not even bothered to apply to college, or if they did it was just for show. It had been almost like having a dark, dirty secret when I applied with every intention of actually attending. I felt such a surge of excitement when my secret provided results. The acceptance letter in my hand was my ticket out of here. But then I had felt my heart break a little bit. It would have been easy if I had not made it in. Disappointing, but easy. The choice would have been taken out of my hands. Now, however, I was actively choosing to walk away from the only life I had ever known.

The summer had been full of disbelief, and goodbyes. From where I sat at the stoplight, I could see the field where I had gone with my closest friends for one last night of campfires and drinking. One last night of memories. That field was where we had all gone after our prom, the grade not big enough to warrant multiple after parties. That field was where I had my first kiss, under the stars. My eyes started to tear up. Glancing away to pull myself from those memories, I saw the general store, not yet open. I had my first job away from the farm there. Even when I was not working, I was there often. We would all go there after school for snacks and soda, just to put off homework and farm work a little longer. Glancing the other way across the road, I saw Mrs. Gowan getting ready to take her dogs on a walk. She waved to me with such a happy smile on her face. Another person who loved her life here. The last face from home that I would see.

In every direction I looked, there were memories. My heart started to pound, my hands getting sweaty. What on earth was I doing? How could I leave it all? My whole life? The damn light was still red, and I was still stuck there thinking, remembering. It was not too late to turn around. I could chalk this up to a morning drive and get back in time to help finish the morning chores. I could stay, where it was safe and comfortable. The list of memories here did not have to be finite. I could go straight, hit the highway as planned, and be to campus by dinner if I did not stop too much. Or I could turn right, circle back around behind the general store and go home.

The seconds seemed like eternity. Enough time to remind myself that I could not betray what I wanted for myself just to stay safe and comfortable. My hands had twitched to the right, ready to go home, but then the light turned green. I took a deep breath, and I went straight.