The Marvelous Rendell and Bob

Rendell was an enormous maroon colored talking dragon with blue, red and yellow spotted eyes and enormous jagged green and red colored scales. Rendell lived deep within a cave with many tunnels and a small stream running down the center of its largest stony path. This not only gave the cave its wonderful petrichor smell, but the water pooled up at the end of the corridor making a convenient bath. The pooled water was usually warm from natural steam vents beneath, but sometimes rose to boiling temperatures. The steam caused water to bead up and eventually grow stalactites and stalagmites. The cave’s complicated burrows were an unsolvable maze to humans, keeping Rendell safe. Rendell had been living there long enough to know where every passageway led.

Rendell had awoke grumpy that morning, hearing the loud clamoring of annoying villagers approaching his cave. The villagers noisy rambling was so loud it echoed down every one of the caves chambers.

“What do these annoying idiots want now?” Rendell said. He stood up, stretched his wings, let out a huff of smoke and a spark of fire, and walked outside. There were over a dozen villagers at the cave’s entrance in brown baggy clothing carrying a variety of weapons from shovels and torches to rakes and pitchforks. One of the villagers rode to the front of the crowd on a donkey.

“We want you gone, beast,” the villager on the donkey shouted at Rendell.

“Why? I live here in peace?” Rendell said.

“We don’t want you eating us, monster,” the villager said.

“I only eat fruits, berries and the occasional bear that wanders into my cave. Never have I harmed a human. I say you’re the beasts for kicking me out of my home,” Rendell said.

“That’s not the point. You’re a big, scary flying monster that breaths fire, and you could harm us anytime you wanted too. Let’s say you wake up in a bad mood and decide to eat us all after roasting us with your flame,” The villager said.

“But I don’t want to eat you. I know how you humans like to stick together in your ‘villages’ and ‘cities.’ If I ate one of you, I know the whole lot of you would hunt me down. So even if I was in a bad mood, why would I cause harm to you petulant, pesky, puny little humans?” Rendell asked.

“We’re sick of your questions and excuses, beast. You can’t trick us. Get him,” the villager shouted. All the villagers started throwing whatever they were holding at Rendell. All of the thrown objects bounced off of Rendell’s thick red scales.

“That’s it, it’s time for you humans to run along now,” Rendell said, sucked in air and belched a large stream of fire into the wind.

“Aaahh, run before he cooks us all. We’ve angered the legendary Rendell the Human Eater,” a villager shouted.

“I’m not a human eater, you annoying buffoon. It’s not nice to start rumors,” Rendell shouted back and spat flame at the shrubbery next the man. After briefly staring at the fire-engulfed shrubbery, the man ran as fast as he could.

While Rendell was against the murdering of sentient beings, as annoying and stupid as they might be, he wasn’t above burning down their village. He believed if he had burnt their homes and businesses to ashes, they wouldn’t come back. If they did rebuild, Rendell hoped it would be so far away, he would never have to deal with them again.

Rendell spread his wings and started to fly. He soared through the air until he saw the human village. He perched himself on an elongated and gnarled branch on an old but sturdy oak tree. He watched the villagers run into their huts and houses, grab what they could and scatter throughout the surrounding woods. He waited for every last human to leave before he showered the huts in a blistering rain of smoldering hot fire.

“That should keep those pesky idiots away from my caves for a while,” Rendell mumbled.

To make sure the villagers were still on the run, he flew through the woods and spotted them splintering off. When he thought the villagers had run far enough, he perched himself on another large branch to catch his breath.

It was only then when he heard a human baby crying.

“Who abandons their child?” Rendell shouted, his voice echoed through the forest. Nobody answered.

“And you call me a beast. I would never abandon my brood,” Rendell again shouted.

Rendell looked around and tried to find the crying baby. After a brief search, he spotted the human baby lying in the bushes and tears running down his face.

“Poor child. Your parents don’t deserve you. Come with me,” Rendell said. Rendell scooped the baby in his mouth and took the baby to his cave.

Rendell gently plopped the baby next to a stalagmite and said, “I think I’ll call you Bob. That’s a good human name. Not as good as Rendell, but for a human, it will do,” Rendell said.

Bob started giggling and spittle rolled down the side of his cheek.

“You human baby’s aren’t nearly as annoying as human adults,” Rendell said.

Rendell had flown outside, roasted a few goats for dinner and returned to his cave to share the spoils with Bob. But Bob was already sleeping.

“Goodnight, Bob,” Rendell said.

Rendell stretched out his wings and had just fallen asleep when a clamoring outside his cave startled him.

“What now?” Rendell moaned. He stood up tall and stomped his feet all the way to the cave’s entrance, causing dust to cascade from the ceiling. Most of the people from the village were standing and rabbling.

“I’ve yelled at you, scared you with fire and burned down your village to keep you people away. Was that not enough? Why do you persist on bothering me? What do you want?” Rendell shouted at the crowd.

“We want the baby you took. It belongs to our village,” one of the villagers said.

“What do you mean, ‘belongs to your village?” Rendell asked.

“He belongs in our village with his own kind,” the villager said.

“Well, I burned down your village. So there’s no village for him to belong too, so you can go away now. Bob stays with me,” Rendell said.

“You named the child Bob? But his name is Tom, after his father,” the Villager said.

“And where is the boy’s father?” Rendell asked.

“He moved to a different village. The one past the mountains and across the lake,” the villager said.

“And the boy’s mother, where is she?” Rendell asked.

“She moved with the father,” the villager said.

“And you still want the baby back? Explain to me who’s going to raise this baby?” Rendell asked.

“It takes a village to raise a baby. We’re a village. Now give us the baby,” The villager said.

“If that’s true, you humans are of inferior intelligence. Dragons are more than capable of raising their brood alone. Have a good day,” Rendell said. Rendell was about to turn his back on the villagers when a man with a shiny golden crown atop his balding head made his way through the crowd and started shouting.

“Listen here, beast. I’m King Henry Wallapeg. It’s my village you burned down, and that’s my baby. I’m claiming Tom the Second in the name of Wallapeglandia, and I will make him my heir,” King Henry said and drew his sword.

Rendell used his dragon breath to melt the sword and in his throatiest voice shouted, “I hope that wasn’t your only plan.” Rendell then inhaled air as if he were going to spew more fire, this time aiming for the crowd.

“Run,” King Henry shouted and flailed his arms wildly in the air while screaming like a child as the villagers watched. The villagers turned back around to look at Rendell, who sprayed fire through the air.

“You should follow the lead of your king,” Rendell said and spewed more flames. The rest of the villagers ran screaming.

“I have a feeling they’ll be back. Time to change caves,” Rendell mumbled. He went back inside and grabbed Bob.

He walked outside, turned around to take one last look at his old home, then flew off in search of a new one.

***

Rendell and Bob landed on a mountain top a few miles east. Rendell gently clasped Bob in his gargantuan dragon claw. There was a nearby stream, which Rendell knew to be a good thing from experience. He was always thirsty and didn’t want to have to travel far for a drink. He carved a path from the stream to his cave allowing the water to flow through it so he wouldn’t have to leave his cave for water and risk being seen by more village idiots. Rendell knew eventually it will happen, but it’s better to avoid the constant petulance of humans for as long as possible.

Rendell tried giving Bob some roasted meat, but Bob refused to eat it.

“I don’t have human milk to give you. I hear dragon milk causes humans to burst into flames. What else do you humans eat?” Rendell asked. Bob started to cry.

“I’ll see if I can find some tiny human sized berries for you, Bob. They’re just so hard for me to see,” Rendell said.

Rendell grabbed a handful of dirt, walked inside his new home, placed the dirt on the ground and delicately positioned Bob on the dirt.

“Behave while I’m gone. Don’t go far,” Rendell said.

Rendell flew out of his cave in search of human food. He couldn’t find any berries and couldn’t think of anything else that would suffice for the tiny human. With an overwhelming sense of frustration, he started a search for some humans that might be able to help. He eventually spotted a goat herder wandering through the mountains and landed in front of him.

“Please don’t hurt my goats,” The herder begged.

“I’m not here for your goats. I’m here on behalf of my human child,” Rendell said.

“Your… human child,” The herder said quizzically.

“Yes, I’m raising an abandoned human baby. I don’t know what too feed it. It won’t eat meat and I can’t find any berries,” Rendell said.

“Is it a boy or a girl?” The herder asked.

“A boy. Does that make a difference,” Rendell asked.

“No, not for food. But ‘it’ is a him, respectively,” the herder said.

“Just tell me what to feed him, herder, or I’ll roast you alive and feed him your corpse,” Rendell growled.

“If I tell you, what do I get out of it?” The herder asked.

“Are you really negotiating with me after I threatened to roast you alive?” Rendell asked.

“Killing me won’t do you any good. You’ll never learn what your child should eat, and you can’t feed my corpse to him. The child can’t eat another human, it’s not healthy. Your child would die. So yes, I’m negotiating,” the herder said.

“Humans are so annoying. This is why most of my kind moved to Dragon Island. But fine, what is it you want?” Rendell asked.

“Dragon Island, that sounds fun. Take me there and I’ll tell you all you need to know about raising a human,” the herder said.

“Not going to happen,” Rendell moaned.

“Please,” the herder insisted.

“Ugh, I’ll just eat you myself and find another human,” Rendell said and sucked in air as the inside of his mouth started to glow orange and the sides of his lips started to drip molten.

“Ok, ok. I’ll request something more reasonable,” the goat herder said and the orange glow in Rendell’s mouth died down.

“There’s a goat herder that lives across the great lake. He’s always stealing my goats and claiming there his. Now he’s stealing my business at the marketplace and I can hardly earn coin. If you can take care of the problem, I’ll gladly give you goat’s milk for the baby. I’ll give you as much as you need,” the herder said.

“Can human babies drink the milk of a goat without bursting into flames?” Rendell asked.

“Of course. Babies drink milk from all sorts of different animals. Why do you ask?”

“Because they can’t drink dragon milk,” Rendell said.

“I see,” The herder said.

“Consider your problem taken care of,” Rendell said.

Rendell flew across the lake in search of the other goat herder. He spotted a man herding goats, which triggered hunger pains. He swooped down and grabbed two goats, threw them in the air then swallowed them whole. He then swooped down again and grabbed the now screaming goat herder and flew him so far away he’d never be able to bother the other goat herder again.

He flew back to the remaining goats, scooped them up and flew them back to the original goat herder.

“I brought back your stolen goats, herder. Now honor the deal and give me my goat’s milk,” Rendell said.

The herder counted the goats and said “There’s two missing.”

“I got hungry and needed a snack. You’re lucky I don’t roast your whole herd right now. MILK,” Rendell demanded.

“Alright, alright. Let me get a bucket,” The herder said. The herder walked away and returned with two large buckets and filled them with milk, then placed the buckets in front of Rendell.

“When you need more milk, bring the buckets back to me. When the child gets bigger, he can eat the same things you do. Goat meat, vegetables, and fruit,” The herder said.

“Thank you for your help, herder,” Rendell said, grabbed the milk and flew off.

“Thank you for my goats,” the herder shouted at Rendell.

Rendell went back to his caves. He approached Bob, who turned and giggled at Rendell. The buckets of goat’s milk were bouncing in Rendell’s mouth as he approached Bob. He placed one of the buckets on the ground, then very slowly poured some milk from the other bucket into Bob’s mouth. Rendell stopped pouring when Bob spit out what he didn’t want.

***

Time had passed, and Bob had now grown older.

“It’s been thirteen years since I found you abandoned in the woods. Happy abandonment day,” Rendell said to Bob.

“I’d like to go to the human village again, Ren. I’ve only been there a couple of times, and I’d like to spend a little time with my own kind,” Bob said.

“But I raised you, what do you need the people from the village for? You already know all you need to know about the other humans. They’re horrible. You’re the only good human I know, and I’m worried they’ll corrupt you,” Rendell said.

“By corrupt, do you mean you’re worried they’ll turn me against you. Because that’s never going to happen, Ren. You’re like a father to me,” Bob said.

“That’s good to know. And I raised you, I am your father,” Rendell said.

“I’d like human friends. And I’d like friends my own age, I’m thirteen. Your six thousand years old. Please take me to my village,” Bob begged.

“Ggggrrr, you’re becoming another annoying human. Fine, I’ll take you,” Rendell said.

“How do dragons live so long, anyway?” Bob asked.

“There’s a special fruit that grows on Dragon Island. The Fruit of the Dragon has magical properties,” Rendell said.

“I’d like to try this Dragon fruit one day,” Bob said.

“One day, you will. I will bring it to you,” Rendell said.

Rendell picked Bob up with his tail and placed him on his back. He flew Bob to the same human village he had taken Bob to before, but this time had decided to stay with Bob to see what was so spectacular about it.

Rendell landed near some houses, and one of the villagers shouted “BEAST. A beast has landed in our village, sound the alarm.”

“It’s ok, Rendell is a friend of mine and will be nice to the village. He’s harmless, I promise. He’s my pet dragon,” Bob said. The man turned to Bob with a stunned look.

“Pet dragon? I thought I was like a father to you,” Rendell whispered.

“You tamed one of those beasts. You should be our new village king,” the villager said.

“New king, what about the old king?” Bob asked.

“This village used to be a strong and sovereign one. Our current king has taxed us to poverty and spends the money on luxuries while we starve and our military has been depleted. Our army has gotten so weak we are now subjected to almost daily raids from outsiders who steal our crops. But does the king care? No. We were getting rid of him anyway. We’re a small village with a small army. We want our money spent bolstering our forces to stop the attacks. If you’re the king, you have a tamed dragon to protect us with until our forces are rebuilt,” the villager said.

“In that case, I accept,” Bob said.

“Somebody grab King Henry Wallapeg,” the villager shouted.

“Did you say King Henry Wallapeg? This is where that old village was rebuilt. I’m going to enjoy this,” Rendell said and smiled.

Another villager dragged the king out of his grandiose hut.

“What are you doing? This is treason. You can’t do this, my army will protect me,” King Henry said.

“No, we won’t. You gradually lowered our pay for months, and now you don’t pay us at all. You just feed us with your leftovers. Why do you think we’ve been calling you The Pig King? Everybody hates you,” a soldier said.

The villager dragged the king to the guillotine, positioned his head in the hole, then released it, and the sharp end came down and chopped off his head. It rolled for a few feet, and his last facial expression made it look like he was still begging for mercy.

“Well, that seemed unnecessary and excessive,” Bob said.

“Most of your kind are unnecessary and excessive, and annoying idiots” Rendell said.

“I suppose we could have locked him up for misuse of the village funds, but where’s the fun in that?” the villager asked.

“Bring out some mead and bread, let’s celebrate our new king, Bob, and his pet dragon,” another villager shouted.

“I’m not a pet, fool. As the new king, can you order your humans not to be so annoying?” Rendell asked.

Bob cleared his throat, then shouted “HEY EVERYBODY.”

When the noise died down, Bob continued. “In the past, dragons and humans haven’t always gotten along. To ensure this never happens again, I’m putting Rendell in charge of the army, and making him the official guardian of the village. From now on, humans and dragons will respect each other. Rendell is not actually my pet, he’s my friend and father. Also, I’m declaring this land Boblandia,” Bob said.

“Hear, hear,” someone shouted. A group of villagers started playing the drums and everyone else started dancing and drinking mead.

The sun had gone down and everyone was drunk and tired. Most of the villagers had fallen asleep on the ground where they had been dancing, and only a few had made it back to their homes.

***

A new day had come, and all but a few villagers had awoken with hangovers. They had slowly sat up, blocking the sun from their eyes.

“Whoa, I smell. I’m going for a swim,” one of the villagers said. He walked off and was followed by most of the other villagers.

Twenty minutes had passed, and the villagers had ran back to town naked, soaking wet and screaming.

“Why have you humans shed your skin?” Rendell asked.

“They just shed their clothing. Their skin is what’s showing now,” Bob said. “But yes, answer Rendell’s question,”

“An… Army’s… coming… defend us oh great King Bob,” an out of breath villager said.

“Get on my back, ‘King’ Bob,” Rendell scoffed. He flew across the lake to find a medium sized army marching towards Boblandia. Rendell landed in front of the army.

“You impede the path of the great army of Callistonia. Move, or be moved,” a brute on horseback said.

“I don’t like killing sentient beings, but I will to defend my friends. Turn your army back or I’ll turn it to cinders,” Rendell bellowed.

“Archer’s, ready, aim…” Before the brute could say fire, Rendell did. He spread his flames across the field, and in a matter of seconds, the entire army was a pile of ash.

“That was awesome,” Bob said.

“That was sad,” Rendell said.

“It’ll be ok Rendell, you had no choice. It was us or them,” Bob said. Rendell sighed, the gust of wind coming from his mouth shook the trees. Rendell and Bob flew back to the village.

“We’ve defeated the threat from Callistonia,” Bob announced.

“Yay. Hurray. More mead and bread,” a young villager shouted.

“No. I can’t handle anymore,” an old man shouted.

“Let’s just all be happy the army’s gone,” another villager said. The villagers slowly started clapping and cheering for Rendell and Bob.

Rendell flew Bob to a tree and rested on its highest branch.

“I like it here, Rendell. I’d like for us to stay,” Bob said.

“This is the least annoying group of humans I’ve met so far. And they did make you there king,” Rendell said.

“So what do you say?” Bob asked.

“Well, I’d want to make sure this group of villagers are the ones that run things for a while, since most other humans are so annoying. And we wouldn’t want another group of humans decapitating you like the last king,” Rendell said.

“I don’t think there’s anything we can do about that,” Bob said.

“There is one thing. I’ll be right back,” Rendell said. Rendell flew off, leaving Bob in the tree. Bob sat there for twelve minutes before he decided he had to climb down on his own, scratching his legs in the process.

“Thanks a lot, Rendell,” Bob muttered.

“Where’s Rendell?” One of the villagers asked.

“He’s…” Bob started to say.

“Here. I’m here,” Rendell said. Rendell landed, and had something special clenched in his bulging claws for the village.

“I’ve brought back something special for everyone from Dragon Island,” Rendell said, then opened his claws and fruit of the dragon dropped everywhere.

“Is this…. Dragon fruit?” Bob asked.

“This is fruit of the Dragon. Eat it, and you will reap many benefits. You will have exceptional health and everlasting youth. Just don’t tell the other dragons. They would destroy me for sharing this with humans,” Rendell said.

“You had me at everlasting youth,” the old villager said and took the first bite of the dragon fruit. His wrinkles started to disappear and after a minute, he looked twenty years younger.

“Amazing, I can’t believe it. That’s wonderful,” The crowed muttered. Bob was the next to take a bite.

“Amazing,” Bob said.

“I feel wonderful,” the old man said.

“Wait, if that old man looks so much younger, what will I look like?” Bob asked.

“Do not worry child. It only gets rid of those old age marks that the elderly humans have. Wrinkles, I believe they call them. You don’t have to worry about that,” Rendell said.

“That’s good,” Bob said and was about to take another bite from the fruit but another villager had grabbed it from him.

“Mine,” the villager shrieked.

“Relax, young lady. I brought plenty of Dragon fruit for everyone,” Rendell said.

One by one, they all took bites out of the fruit.

“It’s so invigorating. Thank you Rendell,” the formally elderly villager said.

“You have all been gifted with long lives and perfect health. You must use your gifts to protect this village. Protect it from threats, like invading army’s. Protect it from unnecessary hatred towards dragons, or any other species. And most importantly, fight oppression where you see it and keep it from spreading,” Rendell said.

“That’s sounds fair,” The now young villager said.

“Let’s build a bigger garrison. Then we’ll have enough room for all the new younger troops we have,” a villager said.

“Great idea. Just don’t make me get the logs. I’m tired,” Rendell said. They all turned and stared at Rendell.

“Fine, I’ll grab the logs,” Rendell said and flew off. He dropped off several loads of lumber before they started building.

The garrison was soon finished.

“Now that’s fit for an army,” Bob said.

King Bob and Rendell spent the next several years expanding the now thriving farming village of Boblandia. And thanks to the Dragon fruit, Rendell, Bob, and their villagers then spent the next several centuries fighting oppression, stopping criminals, and drinking mead.

To this day, Rendell, Bob and there immortal villagers still fight against oppressors. And to avoid being discovered by annoying humans, they camouflaged the entire village to match the forest.

Copyright © 10/31/2022 by A.H. Mittelman. All rights reserved.