The Magic in the Darkness

I made a goal to spend time writing in 2021. If you look around my house it is littered with notepads and notebooks filled with random groupings of words, my texts are filled with messages from me to me. Words about moments. About people I love. About thoughts that I have. About anything. These words began after Christmas. These words came from a convoluted paragraph written when I was enveloped in the dark. It began as a jumbled mix of thoughts and words that didn’t seem to have a clear common thread, but it has grown into so much more. What am I trying to say? Who am I writing to? So many thoughts show up. And so, I continue to write. Is it the darkness? Is it the way in which I connect with people? The way the universe talks to me? How can I possibly explain any one part of this without sharing it all? Maybe I cannot. And maybe, even if I try, it will remain misunderstood to anyone that doesn’t see the train of thoughts that chug through the tangled tracks of my mind. But if you are up for the ride…all aboard.

“The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”

I sat down to make a video for the 2022 new year. Highlights. Good times. Great memories of 2021. But it didn’t turn out that way. It took a u-turn and evolved into something completely different. I couldn’t shake the fact that it all felt…like a lie. Not to say there weren’t great times. Throughout the year I fell in love more times than I could count. Babies, children, new friends, old friendships rejuvenated, new adventures, new mountains. Sharing those moments is fun, but those were not the memories standing out by the time December arrived. As much love as there is in my life, my heart was broken in more ways than I knew possible in that last piece of the year. Perhaps this perception of being a lie was so strong because everything that broke me hit me like a firing squad. All at once. The way the year played out was not the way that I had planned. And trying to make something that said “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” when I was sitting in the darkness with a soul that felt torn wide open was not going to happen.

“Say yes and you’ll figure it out afterwards.”

Cash was 3. I arrived to pick him up from day home. On my way up the sidewalk I passed a familiar face. Another mother collecting her son. We’d only ever really said “hello” in passing. She stopped me.

“Soooooo…This is maybe weird, but do you and your son like camping?”

“Yes” I answered.

“We have space for another Mom and kid this weekend. Would you like to come?”
I didn't hesitate. “Ya. Absolutely!”

Well. That weekend was seemingly a disaster. I cut my finger WIDE open and this new stranger-friend had to pull off paramedic duty. The campground cleared out in a matter of minutes when the clouds above us began swirling and a tornado warning rang out on our phones. Our tent flooded and we had to make an unscheduled exit, arriving home in the middle of the night. And yet, to this day, Jolene is my best friend, and her family is mine. We knew from the get go that things didn’t have to be perfect to have fun. It was amazing. She was sent to show me resilience and structure. But I assure you, she has taught me so much more over the years.

“The secret of life is knowing what you want and asking for it”

I was searching for a new job. I went through job listings, looking up the restaurants that posted them. I found the one. A little pub I had never heard of. Don’t ask why, it was just what I wanted. I walked in and asked for the manager. He sat down with me and asked the typical questions, one of which was my availability. I am not a single parent, I am a lone parent. That is a 24/7 job. I was available Monday to Friday for lunches. I remember him looking at me with a raised eyebrow. “Uhhhh. We are a pub and live music venue. Evenings and weekends are kinda our thing”

“Yes. I understand. And I can only work weekdays. But I’ll work hard and I’m pretty good at what I do.”

He let me know that he didn’t have any availability on his current schedule. So. I showed up again a week later. I have no idea what Adam was thinking at that time, but I thank him for taking the chance on some single mom that seemingly had none of what he needed in an employee. He was sent to show me that there are people that put aside expectations and accept exactly what you tell them you have to offer. And over the years working with him, I assure you, he taught me so much more.

“Maybe it’s not about the length of time you’ve known someone; maybe it’s about instant recognition on an unconscious level. Our souls know each other.”

It was a Sunday afternoon. I went to an event at the BMO Centre by myself. While wandering around I had this moment. A strange flashback to high school when I took a sports med class. One of the units was massage and sports therapy. For some reason, in that moment, that is what flashed through my mind. The next morning I headed to check out a campus. I took a seat in the waiting area. While waiting my attention was caught by a captivating woman with Bettie bangs and funky tights. I swore I knew her. After a short conversation, it was clear we’d never met…at least not in this lifetime. After a high-speed enrolment and a crash course in seeking out scholarships, I walked into the classroom the next day. Sitting there was the woman with the cute bangs. Flash forward to graduation, and she was the one by my side. The one that pushed me to never give up and finish with a 97% average. Valerie was a huge part of my success. She was sent to teach me about determination and diligence. But I assure you, she too has taught me so much more.

“Our stories bring us together"

So what do these stories mean? Why did they come up? These people and these stories were part of the reason behind my confidence in my 2021 endeavours.

I said yes to strangers that asked. And I figured it out, as I always do. I have always believed that there is never a “right time”. Time is what you make of it. And if you decide it is right, it will be.

I found a clinic that I wanted to work at. I did not have the experience like many others that applied, but I knew what I wanted in a workplace. I walked in, and I secured the job. Adam was neither the first nor the last employer that gave me that chance, but he remains one of the clearest memories. That time in my life was a struggle, to say the least. I think it’s fair to say nobody knew where working two lunch shifts a week would lead to at the Blind Beggar. Go figure.

Finally, throughout 2021, I met people that I immediately felt connected to. People that I knew would be in my life from that day until forever. I remain confident that I was not wrong. I have AMAZING people that I love surrounding me.

But with all of this greatness and positivity, I also saw the the other side of all of these situations. Life is not always so giving and kind. Sometimes what it hands you is a hard lesson.

“I’m doing this for me.”

2020 was surprisingly successful for Cash and I. We had countless great times. I ALMOST felt guilty for how we were able to embrace it. Our bond had been strengthened. We understood each other on a new level. This was all integral when 2021 rolled around. I had taken on a new job. There were days I came home so exhausted I could barely move. The energy exchanged in therapy rooms is incredibly hard to explain. Having the ability and access to help people that are in pain is unexplainably rewarding, but learning how to protect my own energy continues to be a challenge. Figuring it out is a lesson I haven’t yet finished learning. I realized how badly I needed to focus on it. To focus on me. That is NOT something that comes easily. After always doing things for so many people, this did not come naturally. I was lacking in energy and “free” time. My schedule was a complete contrast to the year before. My circle had become smaller. My socialization decreased. I required my energy for my priorities. I needed it for Cash. I needed it for me. On top of that I had new goals that brought my vulnerability to an all time high. I had no idea what that truly meant until the final stretch of the year.

“It’s not your enemies who are likeliest to hurt you. It is, always, those you trust.”

By the time December came, I had all but thrown in the towel. Nearly every layer of myself as a woman had been wounded. This past year I chose to be surrounded by the people I cared about and trusted most. And in 2021 the people I cared about, trusted and invited into my circle were the one’s who took aim and fired. There was a lot going on. New job. Continued existence of COVID. A brand new goal. And after nearly a year of planning and pouring myself into that new goal, my “trusted”…advisor? mentor? primary contact? Call her what you want, but she chose to tell me that my path for success would be more difficult than most, so maybe I should leave it for someone else. I felt like I was summiting Mount Everest and the sherpa guiding me decided to shove me off of a cliff. What the f#ck was I even doing at this point?? Add to it someone I love telling me “You’ve changed, and I don’t like who you’ve become”. Oh, and why not allow someone into my circle so they can tell me that I’m not as fun as they thought I would be and therefore not worthy of their time. All of this when I was in my most vulnerable state was more than I could handle. I. Felt. Gutted.

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”

I sank. Quickly. So fast that I didn’t even realize how far down I had gone. I should probably mention that on top of everything there were added factors. Factors that I have since learnt are known to aggravate anxiety and depression. Just. Perfect. But no matter the reason, I promise you the feeling of darkness is all the same. I would know. I’ve sat in the dark before. Over the years I have come to see that it’s like sitting at the bottom of the ocean. When you struggle and fight it, you stir up the silt and the sand and all that is around you grows murkier. Yet, if you choose to just sit, eventually your eyes begin to adjust. And then…if you wait and look around, you might just find beauty in what felt like endless darkness. Look around and you will see the hauntingly beautiful things that dwell there. That strange looking mound of sand you see, is actually an octopus, waiting to feel safe in your presence. And once it feels safe that octopus will come to life in all of it’s elegance and you will see magic. Just. Wait. You will find what will help you to regain your hope. It is in the dark where you search for the way out, where you find the answers to get you there. When the world around you is lit up and the path is clear, there isn’t a lot to look for. But every time you sink down to the ocean floor, I promise you will uncover something new…as long as you search.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”

And so, on boxing day I was sitting in the middle of my office floor, my face streaming with tears. I heard a knock. Cash walked in and sat down beside me.

“Why are you sad?”

I gave an answer fit for an 11 year old. I tried to help him to understand that I felt hurt. That I had let people down. That the things I had done weren’t enough.

“Oh. I would be sad too. I bet you wish it was 2020 again. That was a good year. People were always nice to you…Can I give you a hug?”

Of course. I will always accept a hug from him. And then I apologized. I realized the gravity behind anyone thinking any of us would rather be in 2020 again. Ouch. I apologized for not being as fun as I typically am.

And in true ‘I cannot believe this boy is a son I have raised’ fashion he said: “That’s okay. We have fun all the time. You always take me places, feed me the best food and make me laugh. But sometimes other things happen. Plus, it’s been really cold out.” And he was right. About all of it.

I am SO beyond grateful for him. He is with me every day of my life. He teaches me more than I could ever teach him. He sees me when I shine. He sees me when I struggle. And he loves both of those parts of me. He is what’s right in this world.

“Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business”

The people in my world that I trusted. The ones that I loved. The ones I had chosen to join me in my circle. When their words hit me, all that I could hear was that I was difficult. I was disappointing. I was defective. When you have so few people in your circle, all of these moments feel devastating. Whether obtaining my goal can only be achieved by taking a less travelled path. Whether the current version of myself is unfavourable to someone I love. Or whether my struggles made another person go the other way. What they say, should not matter. But the reality is, I am only human. I have feelings. I had to feel them before I could remember that someone else’s easier path, the version of myself that I have left behind or the fact that I’m not “fun” enough…none of these opinions are reflections of me. These are prime examples of how not fitting into someone else’s box of expectations leads to THEM being disappointed in ME. I am me. When I struggle, I do not need someone to tell me to be “lighter and more fun”. When I need to be there for myself, I do not need anyone else making me feel guilty for not having it in me to give them everything they want. When my life takes me down the unbeaten path, I do not need people that are upset that clearing the way takes more time. These were the lessons that would free me this time.

“Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love you.”

And here I am. Returning from the depths to re-surface. Coming back into the light. Arriving back to the person that I know, recognize and love. To anyone that didn’t like me while I was sitting in the dark, please keep in mind that I dislike her enough for everyone, I do NOT need your help. But here I am, trying my best to learn how to love her. And working toward better accepting her. To all of the people in my life that loved me through it, thank you for choosing to sit with me. Although it may have seemed that I did not hear the kind words you chose for me, I felt you, and I knew that you were there. It gets so unbearably loud inside my own head at those times. Terrible things echo around it. I hear all of the people I disappointed telling me I’m not good enough. I hear every person that doesn’t understand me telling me I’m difficult. I hear the people that I needed growing up telling me I’m just not the kind of girl people want to have around. And for the record, these are the nicer things bouncing around in there. But the most messed up part?? Coming out of these dark times and realizing that even though other people said these things initially, it is myself repeating them in my own mind.

Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that. NOBODY.

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it”

I have learnt with time and therapy that my depression is categorized as situational. It results from outside stressors. The last time I landed in this space was when I was living a life that was not true to me. I was spending my days trying to be successful in someone else’s vision of me. The way I describe it is that I felt like my soul was being dismantled piece by piece. There was no joy in my day to day life. There was no sense of purpose. There was no feeling of accomplishment, no matter how “successful” I was. I was merely existing for a life that I had never envisioned for myself. I tried to find a sense of connection in other ways. To give my days purpose. And trying to force it just made everything worse.

Contrarily, the first time I remember feeling this way I was 9 years old. 2 years younger than my son in this moment. I cannot tell you what triggered it that time, but my instincts tell me that if I ever do get to the bottom of it, I will unlock and free yet another piece of myself. But that’s another story for another time.

And this time? What happened? Was it unbalanced hormones? Was it putting too much weight on the words and opinions of those I trusted? Was it seeing that I could not make things I so strongly believed come to fruition, no matter how hard I tried? Was it entering the deep freeze in Calgary? Was it underestimating just how vulnerable I had made myself? Was it the fact that we were now heading toward the end of year two of COVID? I would say it was the perfect storm of all of these things combined. But I don’t know that I have the full answer yet.

“When she knew something in her heart, nobody could stop her. Not even herself”

If you know me, you know that when something ignites a fire in me, my determination takes over. I lean into those feelings that I can’t explain. My focus becomes laser sharp, and there’s not a lot that can stop me. If you don’t know me, you probably think I’m half insane because you’ve never seen me with one of my visions. In my mind I can see things play out from beginning to end. It’s so clear. I can assure you it is both a blessing and a curse when things are that all-consuming. I put on my blinders and I go. The universe decided that 2021 would show me otherwise. It proved that other forces were able to block those paths. It proved that sometimes no amount of optimism, want or love makes what I see in my mind, real. And maybe, it also came to remind me that I will never know pure joy without recognizing absolute dejection; that I will never appreciate true love if I have not felt true heartache. I suppose this is where I say that I am grateful for these lessons…because I’m finally stepping back into the light. I’m getting there. I grow more grateful every day.

“Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it”

All of this writing. What is it for? I don’t want pity. I don’t even know if there’s a person out there that will read this far. I have nothing profound to say. I don’t know that there’s a purpose to letting people I know, and probably some that I don’t, read these words and see these different sides of me. Maybe there is someone that reads it and doesn’t feel so alone. I suppose there is also a part of me that is tired of all the perfection that people seem to long for. They want their lives to play out like a Pinterest board. They want the people they ask on a date to be that perfect smiling person they see on a profile picture. They want to be able to take the easy shortcuts to get where they want to go. And the reality is…we are all human. We all fall. We all have darkness. We are all as much the same as we are different. I have no idea where my path leads next. All I have in this moment is to start where I’m at. Even if that means scraping myself off the bottom of the Marianas Trench…but let’s be fair, I am already far above that. I found lessons while sitting on that ocean floor. I have chosen to continue on my journey, down the harder path, surrounded by people who won’t criticize, insult or give up on me when things aren’t perfect. And I will never stop believing in the things that I cannot explain. I would rather believe in everything and be let down than believe in nothing and extinguish all possibility of magic.